Body Counts by Sean Strub

January 14, 2014

POZ-sean.jpgSean Strub’s memoir, Body Counts, hit stores yesterday, and Gwenn and I were fortunate enough to get to our local bookstore just in time to nab the last three copies: one for us, one for my mom (who is a huge fan) and one for a future Labtest Contest prize.

But, don’t wait around for me to get labwork done in March for a chance to win this book, if you have any interest in the history of the gay community, the politics of sex and the realities of living with HIV- you’ve gotta get this book. Click on Sean’s face to read an excerpt of Body Counts in the latest issue of Poz.

Sean has been one of the most influential people in my life as a positoid. Without him, I really have no idea what I’d be doing right now. In 1996, after nearly a decade of living with HIV, I decided to speak out about being positive for the first time; I was 20, still living with my parents in Waynesboro, Virginia, and had just put up a website chronicling my thoughts on living with HIV. My doctor fed me a few issues of Poz Magazine and I was stunned that a magazine solely about HIV existed. I poured through its pages and loved what I read. I sent a fan letter to the editor-in-chief, Sean, and shared where I was at in my own journey with HIV.

A month or so later, I was watching wrestling and the phone rang. “Shawn, telephone!”  My dad/secretary called out through my bedroom door. My beloved Ric Flair had just lost his World Title; I was bummed but took the call anyway. It was Sean. He invited me to NYC to be interviewed for the magazine and shortly thereafter I started writing my Positoid column.

body-counts-sean-strub.jpgWhen I learned that my original godparents had broken ties with my family in the 1980s after my diagnosis because their church said AIDS was God’s punishment against gay people, I asked Sean and Steve Schalchlin (another beloved mentor) to be my surrogate Godparents. They both readily accepted.

All of that personal history and admiration aside, it was hard to tear myself from Body Counts to post this blog- it really is an incredible book and an honest, forthcoming account from someone who has a truly unique set of experiences to draw from.

Positively Yours,

Operation AIDS Elves

December 19, 2013

So I’m somewhat remiss in not posting a blog entry on World AIDS Day. Which got me to thinkin’- how can we extend the magic that is World AIDS Day deeper into the holiday season?

And that’s how Operation AIDS Elves was born.

It’s a simple, fun way to spread some HIV/AIDS awareness during the craziness that is the holiday season… so, if you have a few extra red ribbons lying around, put them to good use! Here’s my friend and all-around good positoid, Rob Quinn, working his AIDS elf magic during a visit to NYC. And that’s me sneaking a ribbon onto a tree at the coffee shop and one onto the tree on the downtown mall.

Regardless of how you are or aren’t celebrating the holiday season, I hope this message finds you happy, healthy and at peace with yourself. There is no greater gift in this world than self love and acceptance- and that’s a gift that we are all truly worthy of.

Positively Yours,




Never Forgetting Sean Sasser, 1968-2013

August 8, 2013

Sean Sasser, whom many of us were introduced to through our televisions in 1994 via The Real World, has passed to spirit at the age of 44. My heart goes out to his friends, family and partner, Michael Kaplan.

Sean was one of my heroes. When The Real World: San Francisco aired on MTV in 1994, I had a year’s worth of high school diploma under my belt but no real plan about what I wanted to do with my life, which made me not too much different from most 18-year olds. I was a fan of the reality show, The Real World, and loved the previous season set in Los Angeles. When episode one of San Francisco came on, I quickly realized that I was in for an entirely different experience…

Pedro Zamora, one of the housemates, was HIV positive. He began dating Sean Sasser, who was also HIV positive. Pedro was an activist and educator, and Sean had a quiet, calm demeanor. I fell in love with both of them. They offered a glimpse into a future I desperately wanted- the ability to talk to friends about HIV (something I had not yet done at age 18) and finding a partner that I could share my life with.

That season of the show was a game changer for me. But before I could even process how the show had impacted me, Pedro Zamora passed to spirit. I was devastated. Just as I’d learned about a life that could be possible with HIV, I was also reminded of something that I feared…

When Sean Sasser was introduced to us, there weren’t any truly effective combos. As people with HIV, there was a sense that we were ticking timebombs. Yet, there was Sean Sasser, a year later at a televised Real World Reunion, calmly discussing he dearly departed partner. Stupid producers cut short Sean’s speaking time- hey, he wasn’t a roommate!- but once again I was moved by him. Judd Winick, one of Pedro’s friends and roommates, called for people to do something about HIV…

I sat on my bed, but I wanted to jump out of my skin and do something about HIV- not as me, though, as someone else. A few months later, I finally opened up. The impact of Sean Sasser and his Real World alum has never been lost on me. Before any of us could crack a laptop or iPhone and search “living with HIV”, there was that group of young people dealing with HIV, conveniently bringing the topic into our living rooms.

I needed that. And so did a lot of other people.

So thank you, Sean, for giving me hope that “poz Seans” can find love and comfort in their own skin.

Positively Yours,

In 2009, I shared a personal story on this blog about meeting Sean Sasser. You can read it here.

Tomorrow Night! LIVE! … More Than Just A Gig

August 2, 2013


Tomorrow night I’ll be playing a Synthetic Division show, opening for my friends in Bella Morte. Another talented musician and friend, Lauren Hoffman, will also be playing. The venue is the 800-capacity venue, The Jefferson.  It’s a big gig.

But for me, it’s more than a gig.

When I first moved to Charlottesville in 1998, one of the reasons was to pursue my music. It was just a cooler town than Waynesboro, where I grew up. Plus, Dave Matthews had broken out of Charlottesville, so why not Synthetic Division as well?

Well, the plan changed when I got really sick in 1999. My t-cells crashed, my viral load skyrocketed. I had no energy. I sometimes complain today about waning energy levels- but in ’99, getting off the couch was a chore. Gwenn had just moved in with me- the ruse of my failing health revealed by our newfound proximity- and I remember her coming home from work around 4 pm. And me being proud to tell her, “I got myself some orange juice!”

Around that time, the local paper did a story on us. It would be our first interview as a couple. I was used to being a poster boy for AIDS, having graced the cover of Poz a couple of years earlier, vibrantly smiling out to the world- my dimple on full display. Gwenn was about to compete at Miss Virginia, and the paper asked her to bring her Miss Powhatan crown to the photo shoot in the park.

The writer was a good guy, I hit it off with him and gave him a CD. “Aside from having HIV, I also do music,” I said not-so-slyly. “Think you can put that in the story?” Charlottesville needed to know their next Dave Matthews was in town, it was more of a humble public service announcement than anything else. “Sure,” the writer said. “Have you heard of Bella Morte?” He gave me a CD, and said their bass player worked at a place called the Cosmic Coyote and he was the person who booked local acts like Synthetic Division.

The album was Where Shadows Lie, and I was hooked. I couldn’t believe an electronic goth act was based in Charlottesville. They had a sound that was every bit as capable as my heroes in Depeche Mode…

Before I could pay that bass player a visit to pitch my band, the newspaper article came out. The cover read, “LOVE AND DEATH”. It was a close-up of me, not really smiling. A Mona Lisa expression. I couldn’t really see my face, my eyes were focused on that one word: “DEATH”. The writer apologized profusely, cover text wasn’t his real estate. The article itself was wonderful and full of heart. And even though my t-cells had dipped well below 100 for the first, and I was actively in the process of dying, I was still taken aback by that word.

After I started HIV meds, I decided I better get that music career going. So I paid Gopal of Bella Morte a visit at the Coyote. When I handed him my music, he immediately put it in the CD player. My songs filled the store. I was terrified. After the six songs were over, he handed the CD back. “So, when do you wanna play?”  On spot, we picked a date. When the show came 6 weeks later, I was hoping no one would notice that half of the 25-minute set had been written in the previous 6 weeks…

When the show came, Gopal helped me set up. Gwenn carried my gear in, because she was worried I was too weak to carry my keyboards down the steps at the Tokyo Rose. The one thing a hemophiliac wants to avoid before a show is tumbling down the stairs. Ultimately, I made it through the set, and any mistakes made during my set went unnoticed since Gopal and Gwenn were the only people in the room who’d ever heard my music.

That night started a series of live shows, each one getting better as my health returned. I struck up friendships with Andy, the lead singer, whom I’d sent a fan-email to before I went to see my first show at the Tokyo Rose a few months before I played there myself. I remember oversharing in that email, talking about being sick and just moving the C’ville, and of course my band. Which was just me at the time, by the way. He dedicated a song to me- I walked into that first show alone… when I came home, I told Gwenn, “YOU HAVE TO GO NEXT TIME, IT WAS AWESOME!”

A few years later Andy introduced me to Lauren, another local musician. I didn’t know it at the time, but Lauren had a major label deal at 18. Her experiences with the music industry were what I thought I wanted- until I got to know her and she explained what a major label can do to basically ignore/misrepresent you. As I discovered Lauren’s music after becoming friends with her, I stood in awe of her gift as a songwriter.  Like Bella Morte, she had a talent for writing music that inspires genuine emotional reactions.

Being friends with Bella Morte and Lauren Hoffman was a good education for me, and my little misinformed fantasies about “making it in music” were laid to rest- I realized that what’s really important is making good music… creating songs you are proud of that properly represent the emotions that come with this shared human experience…

That is making it in music.

Today, I’m still close with everyone playing this show. One of my best friends since high school, Josh, joined me on my first tour with Bella Morte in 2010 and subsequent shows since then. He lives in Los Angeles and flew into town just to play this show.  It’s so much better having a friend onstage than standing up there alone, as I did well over ten years ago… and now, I’m strong enough to carry my own equipment..

Tomorrow night is more than a show. I have incredible friends, the best partner I could have ever wished for and my health. Tomorrow night is an acknowledgment that I’ve made it in more than just music.

Positively Yours,


A Discussion With My Doctor

June 10, 2013

At my last doctor’s appointment, I talked with my doctor about the recent “HIV cure within months!” headlines that were floating around online and also my decision to switch HIV meds. Part of that discussion is in this week’s Shawn and Gwenn video, as well as an exciting new “Paging Doctor Decker” segment…

Which might just be a flash in the bed pan. Time will tell!

Hope this finds you well.

Positively Yours,

My Poz.Com Exclusive Article, “Adventures in Baby-Making”

April 8, 2013

I had the pleasure of talking with Mark Zatyrka about he and his wife’s decision to have children using sperm washing. (Mark’s been HIV positive since childhood, his partner, Sasha, is HIV negative.)
Read it on here:
Adventures in Baby-Making
Positively Yours,

Don Drake: Fighting the Good Fight

January 3, 2013

I recently had the privilege of interviewing Don Drake of Victory Programs, a Boston-based non-profit dedicated to helping the homeless, those with HIV/HCV and people dealing with substance abuse issues.  Don discusses his former life as pro wrestler “DC Drake”, what it was like wrestling at a time when fears about HIV transmission were rampant and also how it felt when several online wrestling websites erroneously posted the news of his death.

I found out that Don Drake is still very much alive- and that is something we should all be very thankful for because he’s fighting the good fight. Read my interview with Don here.

Find out what the incredible Victory Programs is all about and follow them on Twitter at: @VictoryPrograms.

Positively Yours,


Our visit to Northampton Last Week

October 28, 2012

In our latest vlog, I fly solo.  I was home alone, so I fired up the old phone and decided to explain why we don’t have a new video up today.  But wait- isn’t THIS a video?  Yes, it is.  Sort of.  Just like the others, it was fun to make.

Last week we were on the road, speaking for the great folks at the AIDS Foundation of Western Massachusetts at the Academy of Music in Northampton.  We really had a wonderful time- it was such a diverse group in age and HIV status.  We met quite a few youth peer educators, along with some folks who have already dedicated decades to fighting the good fight.  A great trip, made even more special because we got a chance to spend some time with our friends, Mark and Sasha.  Like us, they are in a sero-diverse relationship (he’s HIV positive, she is not).  But unlike us, they are expecting twins next year!

So it was really cool hang out with them before they embark on the next big adventure in their lives.

Hope this finds you all well. Have a great Halloween!

Positively Yours,

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