Most Important Election?
October 29, 2008
Disclaimer: Another entry about politics…
It’s one week until our next president is elected. All the polls indicate that Obama is in the lead, and that Virginia is going to be a key state. They say if Virginia is called early, Obama likely has won. If it trails off into the night, I say that Joe the Positoid will be Joe Six Pack times two.
Or no, wait, if I vote for Obama I’m not a “real Virginian”. And I probably would be considered Joe Chardonnay, not Joe Six-Pack. Either way, if Obama tanks, I’m getting tanked. If I have to resort to huffing to get through the night, then so be it.
This is widely considered to be the most important election of my young generation. Yes, the first black president of the United States is pretty badass, but after the last eight years I’d have to say that 2000 has thus far been the election of my lifetime.
A sex scandal! A Democratic one! Which caused a Vice President to avoid using a widely popular sitting president to win an election! And out of nowhere, a former president’s son comes to the rescue and runs a successful campaign as, get this, a Washington outsider!
I, of course, was in the tank for Al Gore. I look back on that wide-eyed, young 25-year old positoid I once was, thinking that the Republican party blew their chances when they went with Bush over McCain. I was convinced that McCain would beat Gore in the general, and that Bush didn’t have a shot. They guy just seemed like a bit of a manchild.
I felt bad for McCain when he lost the primary in 2000. I kind of liked the guy, especially when he railed against Jerry Falwell for being an “agent of intolerence.” Plus he was really cool with the Daily Show guys, calling them a bunch of “rapscallions” or something of the sort.
Then I felt horrible with Gore’s agonizing, drawn-out defeat. Say what you will about Florida, but if Gore hadn’t have kissed his wife at the convention, and had won his home state of Tennessee, Florida wouldn’t have mattered. Several years later, the American voting public lined up to kick me in the balls once again when young Sanjaya was voted off of Idol.
But I digress.
McCain may be running on fumes and squeezing the assumed soul of Joe the Plumber for every ounce of inspiration, I still think that he is unbeatable in the general election. And if he does win, I will blame the Democrats for not supporting my original choice for the party’s nomination: Mr. Dennis Kucinich.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
I Am Not Joe the Plumber
October 29, 2008
Joe the Plumber has officially endorsed John McCain!
I really can’t stand that guy, Joe. A political operative, and now a rallying call for the McCain camp, who namedrop him as some kind of proof that they have a blue-collared friend. “How ’bout that Joe? He sure did tell Obama, didn’t he?”
No, Joe stood there like a douche with his arms crossed, pretending to listen to Obama answer his manufactured question. Joe delivered his lines as stiffly as the poor actors in this ad who are pretending to admire Joe.
t’s suspicious how often McCain is mentioning Joe the Plumber. It’s making me think that, should McCain pull off the upset, he’d support gay marriage just so he can pursue Joe and lock down down the deal before anyone else can.
Positively Yours,
Joe the Positoid
Vice Presidential Debate Results
October 3, 2008
Going into last night’s debate, I wanted to get an honest, untainted opinion on who did better. Because I can’t trust MSNBC or Fox News, or even myself.
Then it came to me at lunch. As I sat there with Gwenn, my brother Kip and his family which includes a beautiful wife and two daughters (9 and six months old, respectively) it came to me: the children are the future. That cheesy song is right… they will have to live with the consequences of this election longer than I will, and they don’t even get to vote!
That’s why I turned to a new neighbor to sort this debate out. Meet My Pet Virus’ first political correspondent: Evelyn.
If you read this blog, you actually met her a couple of weeks ago in True Babies.
Evelyn is three weeks old, and I decided to watch the debate with her and monitor her responses, like those weird lifelines that float up and down the screen, representing undecided Women and Men voters, and occasionally Republicans, Democrats and Independents.
Well, all those test groups have had a lifetime of manipulating. As I watched Evelyn drool, I knew I’d found the perfect barometer to gauge the candidates. Of course, she’s too young to speak, so I made a few categories: Grunt, Cry and Smile.
With pen in hand, I awkwardly watched Evelyn as the Vice Presidential candidates met center stage… it was awkward because Evelyn was breast feeding. “Research!” I told my friend, Lauren, as she tended to her child.
Democrat Joe Biden got off to a shakey start, eliciting a scathing nipple Bite, forcing me to adjust and create a new category on the fly. That was followed by a ten-minute nap: not a good sign for the Senator from Delaware.
Evelyn woke up just in time to get her first taste of Sarah Palin, and I wondered if sexism against Joe might make Palin a more comfortable fit for the young politico?
As Palin addressed the nation, Evelyn grunted and smiled. My notion rang true, and I did not judge her, just wrote down the results like a real reporter…
Then it happened- as Sarah Palin was in mid-riff, Evelyn began to cry. Change she could believe in involved a clean diaper, and crapping her pants had evened out Joe’s sleep-inducing policy wonking.
Forty minutes in, this was anybody’s debate.
A Grunt for Joe, then a Bite for Palin, “Ouch!” Lauren screamed. Just as it seemed like this thing was Biden’s, he inspired another Grunt and his second Bite of the evening. He was trailing, and Evelyn was spent, retiring to her crib with a little less than half the debate to go: like most Americans, she’d seen enough… I set down my pen, and then, as Palin spoke Evelyn cried from afar, helping Biden narrowly escape with a draw.
I’m hoping I can tap Evelyn for the next Presidential Debate, where I’ll make sure to take note of not only her responses, but the topics that set her off. Still, overall I’m happy about this, and thus far most media sources agree with the three-week old, though I doubt Wolf Blitzer or Sean Hannity shat themselves.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Do It For Bullwinkle, Joe
October 2, 2008
On Monday, I posted my thoughts on the bailout, and that it should include covering the minor gambling losses of people with AIDS. Namely me.
Well, later that day Obama sent me a signal through the national media, just a little hint that I’d be taken care. And I quote: “I enjoy a little friendly game of poker myself every now and then,” Obama said… what else could that possibly mean?
The media is once again allowing themselves to get excited about a political debate, with tonight’s Biden V. Palin slobberknocker. The hype machine reminds me of boxing, where I’m constantly told that I can’t miss something, only to tune and be let down.
Fight of the Millenium, anyone? That was Oscar de la Hoya VS. Felix “Tito” Trinidad. In 1999, the two best fighters in the world circled one another for 12 rounds, hardly throwing a punch and uncapitivating an audience whose bloodlust would have to be satiated elsewhere.
If entertainment is what you seek, my friend made a Palin parody of the uber-catchy summer hit, “I Kissed a Girl”. It’s called “I Killed a Moose”, check it out here.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Potential Debate Subs for McCain
September 26, 2008
John McCain may not debate Barack Obama tonight. If he doesn’t, here are my Top 3 Dream Replacement Opponents for Obama.
#1 The Ultimate Warrior
#2 The Great Khali (with Jim Carrey moderating)
#3…
OK, any wrestler or wrestling manager will do.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Coming Out, Bailing Out
September 25, 2008
I started my week-on cycle of HIV meds on Tuesday night, which can be confusing enough as it is. I don’t need any help in being confused.
But that’s what happened when I got up for a bowl of cereal, only to discover that “Clay Aiken is Gay” was a national news story yesterday thanks to Friday’s People Magazine cover story.
I’m not going to pile on Aiken here. Nor am I going to mention his first solo album was called “Measure of a Man”. I can’t imagine how hard or terrifying it must be to have a country analyzing your sexual identity before you’ve figured it out for yourself.
OK, maybe I piled on a little. But while we are stating the obvious, here’s my pitch to People for next week’s cover…
As I polished off the last of the Raisin Bran, I also saw that Bono was going to be meeting with Sarah Palin, which all but sealed my decision to be Early 90’s Bono for Halloween.
I know, Bono does great things for the world. That’s why I’m thinking one night of Bono isn’t going to be enough. In these tough economic times, I’m thinking about doing Full Bono through the end of the year. If I can one club to book me as The Fly, I’ll have enough money to consider bringing a baby of my own into this world. (Spermwashing is expensive!)
Plus, if I can make enough money I won’t have to pull any dangerous publicity stunts to boost book sales, such as picking a fight with Erin Weed. Something I’m hoping that I can bail out on.
Speaking of bailouts, that seems to be a running theme lately, with the economic crisis of which I know so little that I am limiting my writing of such to the term “economic crisis”. Last night, McCain bailed on David Letterman to get to D.C. to handle the crisis- hilarity ensued when Letterman picked up a live feed of McCain sitting down with Katie Couric in the same building during Dave’s taping.
Check it out here.
I say everyone go ball’s out on bail outs this weekend. Well, everyone should go balls out except Jack Nicholson. We can all agree that we’ve seen enough there.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Jane Swiftboats Palin
September 10, 2008
While on the campaign trail in Virginia, Sen. Obama delivered one of his canned lines about the Republican ticket. “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”
McCain’s newly appointed damage/mind control operative, former Mass. Governor Jane Swift, swiftboated the vice presidential candidate, referred to the phrase, saying the words were “…disgusting comments, comparing our vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, to a pig.”
Gee, Jane, tell us what you really think of Sarah Palin?
What is disgusting is the McCain campaign’s new political attack ad. They are saying Obama voted for comprehensive sex education for kindergarteners. Does the McCain campaign really want to go there? Mr. “I’m Not Sure if Condoms Prevent the Spread of HIV”?
And will Jane Swiftboat be held accountable for calling Palin a pig? The woman just had a child in April, for God’s sake. I think she’s in fine shape, and even if she weren’t we just don’t go there. I just think the former Governor is jealous that she was overlooked in favor of Palin.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
True Blood Work
September 10, 2008
In all of my blustering about politics, I’ve realized that I kind of pulled a Bush recently, when I declared I’d finished writing my 2nd book…
Mission not accomplished on that front. And there will be no time tables for completion, either.
On the plus side, I won’t be blogging about the writing process, because that is boring. I won’t even mention “it” on here until I have a word on whether it’s going to be published. All I can say is that after a summer break from the book, I was very happy to pick it up today and I liked what I read.
Or at least the parts that didn’t, er, suck.
The timing of returning to the bloody book was perfect- today I went to the hospital to get labwork done in anticipation of Thursday’s appointment with Dr. Greg. They drained four small tubes worth of plasma, then I went to a coffee shop to refuel with an iced mocha before reading about vampires.
All in all, a really good day for a thinblood like me.
It’s after 3 a.m., and as the creatures of the night stir outside my home, I am about to add the final point to today’s vampire trifecta: I’m going to watch True Blood on Tivo. It’s the new vampire series by Alan Ball, the creator of Six Feet Under, one of my favorite TV shows… I gotta admit, I’m nervous because the previews looked cheesy. I hope it rocks like American Teen did.
I will report back soon with lab results. And whether or not True Blood tested positive or negative on the Suck-o-meter.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Check out my memoir, My Pet Virus, and click to read a sample. Video of reviews.
Give a listen to "Sign", one of my songs from Synthetic Division’s Get with the Programs (co-written with Kyle Wiggins):
Get the song here on iTunes! Or watch Synthetic Division discuss Rory Gilmore.
Be sure to visit ShawnandGwenn.com, where you can see clips of our educational work at colleges and universities, as well as media clips from MTV safe sex programming and a Dr. Drew talk show. 2006 video of me and Gwenn, when I was finishing up My Pet Virus.
Haven’t seen a real blog in a day or so? Follow my cellphone micro-blogging at Twitter.com.
Cool Cats Weigh In On Palin
September 5, 2008
I decided to take a break from writing about politics, but fortunately two brave females have stepped up to the forefront to discuss late-breaking matters regarding Vice Presidential pick Sarah Palin.
You may remember the greatest cat on Earth, pawsitoid River (living with FIV, aka “CRID”(Cat-Related Immune Deficiency)), whom I wrote lovingly about and who is still in foster care in Connecticut looking for a good home. Nudge nudge.
In response to the Palin pick, My Pet Virus’s feline reporter wrote this to me: “Meeeoooowww! She wants to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Way to come up with alternative energy sources! Oh, wait, if your husband works for an oil company, why would you cut into your personal profits to save the planet? People, I have fur… are you kidding me? What’s a cat to do?”
River isn’t the only cool cat weighing in.
Regan Hofmann, fellow Poz blogger, wrote. “The issue is not whether or not abstinence works to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies (it does), but whether or not it’s possible to keep people, particularly teens with raging hormones, from having sex (apparently, we can’t). Bristol is proof-positive of our nation’s failure to realize that abstinence is a farce.” Read the whole blog here.
Regan posted this alleged photo of Palin on her blog. I think it’s a fake, but I’m quite sure that if she and McCain are elected, her annual Vice Presidential Hunting Trip will draw far more interest and enthusiam than the current, hair-triggered Vice Prez.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Live in or around Charlottesville? Then come see me rock my balls off at Gravity Lounge on Saturday. First set is at 8, second is at 9. Will post video on the blog for out-of-staters next week.
Give a listen to "Sign", one of Synthetic Division’s songs from Get with the Programs (co-written with Kyle Wiggins):
Get the song here on iTunes!
Check out The Hook’s write-up of the show online.
On Behalf of the Thinbloods…
September 1, 2008
The Republican National Convention is starting today… could politicians- of both blue and red stripes- please cool it with all the talk of breaking glass ceilings? It’s making people with bleeding disorders a bit nervous.
Thanks,
Shawn
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