Hemo2Homo Connection: The Sex & The City Review
June 12, 2008
The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review 
Homo:
Hemo: I’m a bad straight- I love to gossip, and watched most of this HBO series with Gwenn and two of our best (good gay) friends. So of course I was there for the movie, it was somewhat of an event in our household.
I know, I’m a bad straight.
Homo: I wouldn’t have even gone to see this thing if not for you. And you said you liked it?
Hemo: Yes, there was humor, and remember, I’d just had the Spielberg/Lucas shitbomb of Indiana dropped on me. Maybe I just got Sex more, since I knew the characters from the TV show.
Homo: You don’t understand. I watched the series. I’m not THAT bad of a homo.
Hemo: My bad, Homo.
Homo: No probleemo, Hemo. But a bad movie is a bad movie. Christ. Purses. Labels. Shoes. Shopping. More shopping. More labels. More shoes. What the hell is it with women and shoes? Those horrors cost $500?? And $500 for a damn purse??
Hemo: You have to remember: most people aren’t dumping all of their money into expensive HIV medications like we are.
Homo: Right. Which is why I’m kicking myself for dumping money into Indiana and Sex…
Hemo: Wait, what about that next-door neighbor of Samantha’s? They showed that dude’s ass like 50 times!
Homo: Okay, you got me. Being an Internet Icon, I’d heard all about Mr. Next Door Neighbor before stepping foot into the theatre. He’s the real reason I went to see it, not because you wanted me to.
Hemo: They showed that dude’s ass like 50 times. And I got nothing! I was forced to go online and look for photos of Kristen Davis giving some guy a….
Homo: Hold your horses, Hemo!
Hemo: And I’m not even sure it was her.
Homo: The straight women and gay men this movie was made for don’t care about you and your needs, thinblood. This is about us. But they did show Samantha in that sushi scene. That was kind, you know, um, fleshy?
Hemo: Kim Cattrall to the rescue again!
Kim Cattrall, modelling the latest in Gigantic Condom Headwear
That woman deserves to make five times what Sarah Jessica gets. She should have held out for more money.
Homo: There, you got Samantha. The next-door neighbor, as hot as he was, was still a straight dude. Except for the two hot guys who kissed in the first scene, what is up with the homofaguals in this series? Why is it that the only two gay men in the cast have the worst clothing and are the most repulsive looking characters on the screen?
Hemo: At least the movie had gay guys in it. Hemophiliacs have been on the cutting edge of fashion for years, and how are we rewarded? By not having one thinblood in the movie. C’mon!
The last time a hemo figured into a movie plot was the vampire film, The Thirst. The vampires fed on the thinblood, then some dude starting punching them and they all bled to death.
Homo: Wait. Is that a real movie? The vampires drank the blood of hemophiliacs and then bled to death from cuts? Genius.
Hemo: It was one thinblooded girl, but yes, it’s real. Netflix it. (Careful, there are two vampire movies called “The Thirst”, the one with the hemophiliac character in it also stars Jeremy Sisto.)
So, let’s cut to the chase: how do you rate Sex & The City?
Homo: Well, I’ll tell you the truth. It wasn’t entirely my cup of tea, and I thought the plot had holes big enough to hold Sarah Jessica Parker’s wardrobe, but I have to admit it was fun seeing the four girls together again. They’re like comic book heroes when they walk together. So, I’ll give it a very mild One Vein Up But Only For People Who Like This Kind Of Movie.
Hemo: I’m with you- the characters are interesting enough, though someone with clotting deficiencies would have added a nice dynamic. Still, I give the movie One-and-a-Half Veins Up.
Homo: I do: I also give one Special Vein Up for the guy next door.
Hemo: Gee, let me guess where that vein is located.
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Hemo2Homo Connection: The Indiana Jones review
June 9, 2008
The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review
(Two guys with AIDS reviewing movies. ‘Nuff said.)
<
Homo:
This lame-ass movie was best summed up by my partner, Jim Brochu, who called it “Mr. Chips & The Temple of Doom.”
Hemo: Spielberg scored Erik Estrada? I think I missed that scene.
Homo: If you’re gonna be a movie reviewer, you should pay more attention to the film, and really should try to see a movie made before you were born.
One with, like, dialogue and stuff.
Hemo: After seeing this clunker, I may take your advice. And I’m still trying to figure out why Harrison Ford looked older to me ten years ago… does that mean I’m, getting old?
Homo: Yes, you’re getting old and he looked 20 years older. Uh oh. It sounds like we have a sad meeting of the minds. I wasn’t surprised by anything is in this movie.
Hemo: Really? You are so jaded that you weren’t shocked by the re-emergence of Marc Almond of Soft Cell, riding in as Indiana Jones’s son?
Homo: That wasn’t Marc Almond of Soft Cell, thinblood.
Hemo: Oh. No Erik Estrada, no Marc Almond. Well, at least I can hang my Indy hat on Helen Marnie of Ladytron’s star turn as the Commie S&M chick.
Homo: Helen who of what? And no, that wasn’t her, either. That was the Academy Award-winning actress, Cate Blanchett! And they are called credits, kookaid-blood.
Those letters that scroll upward at the end of the movie.
Hemo: Those credit things are always my cue to start gathering up leftover candy in the aisles. I like action, but the lame-ass sword duel atop two jeeps riding through a jungle seem improbable at best.
Homo: Just one of many pointless action sequences. And CGI ants aren’t scary anymore. Waiting for your viral load test results. Now that’s scary!
Hemo: I hate CGI- it ruined I Am Legend. They should never do CGI monsters so long as Gary Busey is still breathing.
Homo: Agreed. In previous Indy movies, Spielberg would do something in the foreground to keep us from falling asleep during this crap, like the sequence around the dining table where they’re eating giant bugs.
Hemo: Oh, yeah. That was such a cool scene. In this one, the bugs ate the people.
Homo: Actually, I think the script ate the people. And what was up with Blanchett’s random Russian accent, which veered wildly across the continents and back again? And she wants a skull that will give her the ultimate powers of the universe?
Hemo: Remember, it’s a skull made of crystals. And crystals are a girl’s best friend.
Homo: Those are diamonds, numbnuts. As for the whole premise of Indiana Jones, I think they could have saved a lot of money and just shot the whole thing in one place: a Pier 1 Imports store. That would have explained all of the old married couple banter between Indy and his once-girlfriend.
Hemo: Maybe Spielberg has long-since shot his money wads? Maybe he needs, for lack of a better metaphor, a Hollywood-esque sperm-washing procedure?
Homo: It’s not a bad idea. Hemo, in all seriousness, answer me this: Was there ever a moment in that theatre when you didn’t know what was going to happen next?
Hemo: Well, I arrived 10 minutes late. That’s why I missed Erik Estrada’s scene.
Homo: I give up.
Hemo:…And at the Carmike there are two pathways, and one was so dark I couldn’t even see what was blocking the path. I could hear the movie, but trying to figure out how to get the seats was pretty intriguing.
Homo: No! I meant a moment in the movie! But your story sounds more intriguing than the film itself… so, did you go to the other walkway? Or forge ahead into the darkness, where one wrong bump could send you to your untimely, bleeding doom?
Hemo: I went to the other one. Only to bump into a guy in a wheelchair who was blocking that path.
Homo: Ew, ew! Please tell me you tipped him! This is the best confrontation since Indy shot that dude with the sword in Raiders, or the Cripple Fight episode on South Park.
Hemo: No, I just apologized and stepped around him. Then took my seat. There was no one with a flashlight to help a thinblood out.
Homo: Your story had a lame ending, but was still better than the movie you so bravely pressed onward to see. Did you see National Treasure? Because there’s a moment in Indy that I now call the “National Treasure Idiot Moment.”
Our heroes go down into the treasure room. The girl sees a wooden rack filled with scrolls. She leans down and, without blinking, she announces, “Look! The lost scrolls from the Library of Alexandra!”
Hemo:That sounds awful.
Homo: “Crystal Skull” had one of those moments. I f you’re going to steal from the movie that stole from you, at least steal the good parts.
Hemo: Yeah. It would be like two guys with AIDS stealing our movie-review bit, but only using your parts.
Homo: Hey, , watch it: I’m the smart one here, Mr. Quips. And don’t forget who has the clotting factor, kid.
Hemo: You’re starting to sound like Indiana Jones.
Homo: I’m not that old. I was really afraid you’d buy into the hype on this one. There may be hope for you yet, thinblood.
Hemo: Hey, thanks! So what’s your final grade on Professor Jones?
Homo: I give Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull two bloodless veins down. You?
Hemo: Not enough “snapper” in Indiana’s “whipper” this go around. I give it a Highly Detectable Viral Load of Crap rating.
Homo: Oh boy. See? This is why I can never die. You’d kill this review faster than this script killed off Indiana Jones.
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Hemo2Homo Connection: 21 Review
April 5, 2008
The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review
Homo: I know we decided to see this movie because it’s the 21st anniversary of your pet virus, but I didn’t spend my hours counting cards. I spent them counting the minutes I would never get back. I’m beginning to think that anything these days with Kevin Spacey is sure to suck.
Hemo: Damn, I haven’t bought my ticket yet- I’m thinking about folding this hand. The prequel craze is on tilt, anyway, and I for one do not need to know what happened before Jim Carrey’s 23, thank you very much.
Homo: No, bleeder. This one is based on a true story — a book I read and enjoyed. But Hollywood took out all the reality.
Hemo: Isn’t that what Hollywood’s there for?
Homo: 21 is about a numbers genius from MIT who gets co-opted into becoming a member of a gang of card counters, one of which is the sexiest girl in school…
Hemo: I bet the Crips were shaking in their boots.
Homo: This gang flies over Compton on their way to Vegas, where they enjoy weekends of winning lots of money for Kevin Spacey. You can always count on Hollywood to make something better than reality.
Hemo: So why on Earth would a gang of pale-faces make money for Kevin Spacey?
Homo: Because he needs the dead Benjamins for Harvard and, apparently, the poor genius doesn’t know how to fill out a form for a student loan.
Hemo: Well, he was probably too old to get a basketball scholarship.
Homo: What? No, nimrod: Kevin Spacey is the professor leading the gang, not a student member of the gang. It’s the boy who becomes seduced by Vegas.
Hemo: What about the sexy girl?
Homo: They have a G-Rated love scene.
Hemo: Let me guess… it happens in a hot tub at the Palms? I already saw that on the Real (Lame) World. So life is good for the pretty boy gang member, and…
Homo: Until he finally- shocker!- has a real bad night at the tables…
Hemo: …and gets obsessed with the number 21, right? He puts all of Kevin Spacey’s winnings — plus everything he owns and cares about — on the number 21 on the Roulette wheel… it spins, the ball pops around… and then… BAM! The number 23 comes up. Jim Carrey is the pit boss, you have to see the movie twenty-one times to notice him in the background, hence the name of the film.
Homo: Then Laurence Fishburn ties him to a chair and beats him up.
Hemo: The Crips to the rescue! I’m about to move All-In on this one and buy that ticket. It’s the only way I’ll understand 22 when it comes out.
Homo: No! Cash out now! Although 21 really makes me wonder what they’d do with our inspiring, real-life story of two guys with AIDS reviewing movies. And how we’d have to promote it: Did you see that Jim Carrey had to dress in an elephant outfit at American Idol to promote Horton Hears a Who?
Hemo: I missed that major step down from talking out of one’s bunghole. I bet Hollywood would call our story Homo Hears a Hemo. It would be about a world of gay men who ignore the plight of the platelet-challenged…
Homo: … until the pink homo with big ears- me!- stands by his side. Craddling the fragile hemo close to his chest.
Hemo: Yes! Brother to brother, they stand back to back, fending off the haters and counting out their life-saving HIV pills instead of cards.
Homo: And Hollywood film producers would count their cash and continue the fine tradition of turning a great book into a crappy film.
Hemo: Speaking of great books, our review of The Hours really made My Pet Virus. Now available at your local bookstore!
Homo: Sales a bit slow?
Hemo: You nailed it. So, what’s your final say on the movie 21? Do you think people without AIDS will respond the same way you did?
Homo: Yes. And I’d rather play Russian Roulette in a giant pink elephant costume then have to see this one again.
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Hemo2Homo Reconciliation Special
February 28, 2008
Homo: So, positoid. I thought we should discuss the Oscars. I was amazed that most of the winners had very deep accents. What parts of America were they from, anyway? Ain’t this supposed to be the AMERICAN movie awards?
Hemo: I’m not talking to you anymore.
Homo: Why?
Hemo: Read my blog.
Homo: You have a blog? Hold on. Hmmmm. Oh, I see someone’s little ego is bruised because Homo beat his socks off in the predictions game. And you’re blaming it on your cold?
Hemo: I learned blogging from watching you! And, yes, I was all out of sorts. I didn’t even know Daniel Day Lewis was up for anything until you mentioned him.
Homo: Well I think you should blame it on your week on/week off med regimen. That virus is bouncing around your body all pissed off. Up and down. Up and down. Poor little thing.
Hemo: My virus is like Cuba Gooding Jr. when he won back in the day.
Homo: Look, young one. Let’s be honest here. When your answer to every category is “Rambo,” I don’t really think you can expect good results. Especially Sylvester Stallone as Best Actress in a Leading Role.
Hemo: I guess so. And positoids should support other positoids, no matter what. So what did you think of your amazing run this year?
Homo: I was so happy for Marion Cotillard, nothing else mattered to me. But, yeah, I am impressed with myself.
Hemo: Okay, okay… now let’s talk about the show itself.
Homo: Except for that Black choir, that was the single Whitest television show I’ve seen since Laurence Welk. I felt like I was in a time warp. They even forgot they used to have a Black host. Whoopi just got erased from picture.
Hemo: Did you notice they left Brad Renfro off the Death List? Probably because he was in an AIDS movie – The Cure - and AIDS isn’t that cool in Hollywood anymore.
Homo: Oh, my god. You’re right. We homos got a nod with the whole Heath Ledger thing even though he wasn’t, you know, gay. I wonder if he was a thinblood and somehow the drugs overwhelmed his red blood count?
Hemo: I bet he was thinblooded… it’s a big secret in Hollywood. James Dean? Thinblood. Died in a horrific straight razor shaving accident; wasn’t deemed a cool way to go, hence the cover-up. Same thing with Belushi. Damn you Hollywood folks and you’re hemophobia! We thinbloods are a lot of fun.
Homo: Maybe, but it didn’t look like anybody was actually having any fun at the Oscars: nobody got drunk, or did anything especially interesting or stupid. Well, except for Gary Busey, but he doesn’t count.
Hemo: Busey was robbed back in ’89. Hider In The House was awesome.
Homo: Hider In The … huh?? We’ve been doing this for how long now? A decade? You haven’t learned a damn thing about movies, have you?
Hemo: Look up the poster for this movie, Hider in the House. Look into Busey’s eyes. Tell me that’s not acting.The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is the author of My Pet Virus.
Homo Sweeps Oscars- Hemo Responds
February 25, 2008
HEMO2HOMO OSCAR PREDICTION RESULTS
Homo: 6 out of 7
Hemo: 0 out of 4
For ten years, I have held my own in the Hemo2Homo Connection. Sure, I’ve heard the whispers, that Steve has the eye for the movies. That he lives in Hollywood so he knows the ins and outs. That I’m just some hick kid from Virginia riding on his partner’s drug cocktail coattails.
This year’s Oscars were my firewall. And yesterday was my chance to prove that I belonged. That I could compete with my more knowledgeable movie-review partner. I failed. And I’m not sure if I can live with that.
Viral Load Update
Got the results from my viral load test, which registered at under 50 copies after a week on meds. Which is fine. My doc said it’s unclear as to the long-term affects of a persistent/miniscule amount of viral load, the big concern being drug resistance.
But my t-cells are higher than they’ve ever been, and my viral load hasn’t been above 200 in seven years, barring my silly decision to go off meds to finish My Pet Virus, which landed me in the hospital three years ago.
So, I’m sticking to the plan. I feel good about my treatment regimen of week on/week off, and today I’m starting a week off. I’m not traveling, am getting over a cold, and am hard at work on the next book…
That’s it! Steve beat me at the Oscars because I have a tiny amount of viral load. I was distracted by the cold as well, and made my predictions during a week on meds.
I can live with that.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
The 2008 Hemo2Homo Oscar Spectacular
February 22, 2008
Glamour. Glitz. And People Who Take Themselves Way Too Seriously. Yes, It’s Oscar Time, and The Hemo2Homo Connection weighs in with their thoughts and favorites.
Best Actor Award
Homo: It is gonna be Daniel Day Lewis for doing the best John Houston imitation of the year.
Hemo: I disagree. It’s Johnny Depp for the Edward Scissorhands sequel.
Best Supporting Actor
Hemo: Ben Affleck’s little bro. Finally, Hollywood tells the story of the legendary outlaw Jesse James.
Homo: Javier Bardem for supporting actor for best new way to kill people in a movie while wearing a twisted Beatle haircut.
Best Actress Award
Homo: Marion Cotillard gave by far the greatest performance of film in the last decade but god knows if they’ll give it to her. If they don’t, I’m going to put my fingers in my ears and go “La la la la” during the acceptance speech.
Hemo: Laura Linney, for her role as Miss Elizabeth in the “Macho Man” Randy Savage bio-pic, The Savages.
Best Supporting Actress
Homo: Supporting Actress should go to Amy Ryan for “Gone Baby Gone.” Great, baby great. But it’ll probably go to Ruby Dee cuz, well, it’s Ruby
Dee. But frankly, I didn’t like her in that movie.
Hemo: Cate Blanchett for I’m Not There, only because I wasn’t there for any of the movies in this category.
Homo: Oh, you’re probably right. By this time, it’s obligatory to give Cate Blanchett an Oscar every time she sneezes on screen. But if you haven’t seen any other movies, what have you seen?
Hemo: Rambo.
Homo: OK, that’s it, I’m taking it from here.
Hemo: Have at it. But Rambo was good.
Homo: Best Animated Film is RATATOUILLE, a film that will outlive all the other movies made this year. Direction: No Country For Old Men. Hands down, a great piece of filmmaking.
Best Movie: No Country for Old Men. Driving, intense, brilliant.
Hemo: Best Action Movie: Rambo.
Homo: How about no action movies for old men, please? And if you’re going to be a world famous film critic, you should try seeing a few movies.
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is the author of My Pet Virus.
Hemo2Homo Connection: There Will Be Blood
January 30, 2008
The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie ReviewofThere Will Be Blood
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is the author of My Pet Virus.
Hemo: Well hidey-ho thar, thickblood. *tip of the hat*
Homo: I’m glad we’re continuing our blood brother theme for this round of movie reviews. It’s what binds us together, that positoid virus coursing through our veins.
Hemo: It sure is, pahdnur. That, and that ol’ love for them thar movies coursin’ right alongside that virus. And a strut; we both have a certain way of carryin’ ourselves.
Homo: Stop it with the cowboy speak, unless yer lookin’ fer sum Brokeback action, Cowpoke.
Hemo: Read ya loud and clear, pahdnur. *one last tip of the hat*
Homo: Good Lord. This is not a cowboy movie. It’s a BLOOD movie. Well, not really. There was lots of oil but not a lot of blood. They should have called it “There Will Be Gunk.”
Homo: That’s better. It rhymes! (I bow to your superior wordsmanship). But how about “There Will Be Mudslinging”? The story of this Presidential election. Or Britney’s life.
Homo: I’m sorry. I had my hearing aid turned down. What was that again, sonny?
Hemo: What, are you deaf now? Or faking it to get out of doing any work, like the kid in the movie? That good-for-nothin’, lyin’, cheatin’ little…
Homo: OK, OK, don’t get your blood in a clot. I have to say I liked that this movie was very deliberately paced, but still was very gripping.
Hemo: Reminded me of an infusion of factor: it was done slowly, but with purpose. (Check out a fellow thinblood, Drew, and watch him infuse himself here.)
Homo: The lead character, as well-played as he was, still seemed like exactly what he was: an all-bad character from a muckraking novel written in the early 20th century. With not one redeeming feature.
Hemo: Wait, are you kidding? Not ONE redeeming feature?
Homo: No, not unless I missed something.
Hemo: Dude: the guy had two bowling lanes installed in his basement! I’d kill all of my friends and family if I had a bowling alley in my home to entertain myself with. What I’m saying is: if he liked to bowl, how bad could he be?
Hemo: Really? I was trying to bait you into a barroom brawl, pahdnur.
Homo: Okay. That’s it. Now there really WILL be blood. Do I have to get all Rambo on you to shut up that phony cowboy talk?
Homo: I have no idea. I spent the entire movie wondering why that deaf kid was playing with matches.
Hemo: I was on to him. The wonder twins got me. Which is why I have a couple of rules about twins in movies.
Homo: Or c) having sex together in a porn movie (though I had different twins in mind than you).
Hemo: I’d send this one in for more tests. Aside from the mystery twins, I enjoyed watching but- surprise- I wanted way more blood. Which brings me to our next movie review: whaddayasay we complete our January Bloodfest Trifecta with… Rambo!
Homo: Oh Lordy: They were right. Spending too much time with me has made you… gay.
Will Steve see Rambo? Is the Hemo2Homo Connection in danger of becoming the Homo2Homo Connection? Find out, only on the next installment of the Hemo2Homo Connection!
In the meantime, visit Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin online.
;
The Hemo2Homo Connection: Sweeney Todd
January 25, 2008
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is the author of My Pet Virus.
Homo: Hey, Hemo.
Hemo: Hey, Homo. You still alive?
Homo: Wait. Let me check my pulse. Ah, something’s throbbing. Yes, I’m alive! You’re that same thinblood-hemophiliac guy, right?
Hemo: Yup, same thinblood. It’s been 10 years since our first review, can you believe that?
Homo: And they said we’d never make it.
Hemo: Life expectancies of people with HIV/AIDS have gone way up since then.
Homo: And that’s a good thing, right?
Hemo: Yes! But expectancies for honest movie-reviews have gone up as well. So the pressure is on. Why don’t you pick the first review back?
Homo: I love it when I get to be the top.
Hemo: Is that a hole in the bottom of your tub of popcorn, or are you just happy to see me? Either way, I am excited to hear what you have on tap, what, with all the late-breaking technological advances in movie-making.
Homo: I thought our new return to form should start with… a nice, refreshing musical!
Hemo: Oh, dear God.
Homo: After all, being gay and all, homos like me are supposed to love musicals. And why not start with the bloodiest one of all: Sweeney Todd.
Hemo: A musical… with blood? Tell me more.
Homo: Well, see, it’s about this barber in London who slits peoples’ throats out of revenge for some judge stealing his wife and sending him away to Australia or something. (Back then, the worst thing they could do to you was to send you to Australia). After he gets back to London, he meets up with this chick who owns a pie shop, so they create this trap in the floor over the pie shop that sends the bodies down into an oven where they bake the bodies into pies.
Hemo: Fun!
Homo: I should let you know in advance that I’m a bit predisposed to wanting to love this one because it was the first Broadway musical I ever saw. Right in the front loge, looking at the original cast of Len Cariou, who I didn’t know anything about.
And Angela Lansbury, who I did.
Hemo: Wait… you did Angela Lansbury?
Homo: No, thinblood. Try to stay with me here, I’m setting a mood…. where was I…
Oh, yes!
The opening sound of the stage musical was an authentic steam whistle that they got right off a ship. It sent chills up and down my spine and forever turned me into a show queen — as long as the show was about serial killers and whores.
But, God, forgive me, I have a confession to make: I still can’t sit all the way through Oklahoma.
Hemo: I hear ya, thickblood. I rented Rent, and had to stop watching after 6 minutes. I got halfway through the guy on the motorcycle, singing as he whizzed down the street. If you’re on a motorcycle in a movie, you best be firing away at someone with a gun, or shoulder-mounted rocket launcher. Or chucking a grenade at robots.
Homo: Actually, you lasted longer than I did. But Rent- like almost all movie musicals- sucked.
(INSPIRED BY HOMO’S WORDS AND THE PROMISE OF BLOODSHED, HEMO MAKES THE THE SPELL-BINDING JOURNEY TO THE THEATRE.)
Hemo: You weren’t lying, this movie is a hemophiliac’s wet dream!
Homo: What did I tell ya? The blood really flows in this one! A Horror movie where everyone sings and many throats are slit.
Hemo: Yeah, and if our little movie review doesn’t bring together the hemophilia and gay communities, than Sweeney Todd most certainly will.
Homo: Amen to that. And you gotta love that scene in the bakery with the disgusting, cockroach pies.
Hemo: Reminds you of hospital cafeteria food, doesn’t it?
Homo: Oh, god. Hospital food with a side course of broad spectrum antibiotics… Good eatin’! Anyway, in that scene, I thought of you and wondered if you’d eat that gunk if there was cheese- your lifeforce- on top.
Hemo: You know what I did eat in that theatre? A black licorice Jujy Fruit!
Homo: So your teeth could look English?
Hemo: The movie- like my mouth- was so damn dark: my method of holding the candy up to the screen to determine its flavor proved to be as futile as resisting the allure of a close shave from Mr. Sweeney, who sang, “I want you, Bleeders!”
Homo: No. No. He said, “I want you, BREEDERS!” Clearly, he was a modern man who realized that Homo Superior kicks ass.
Hemo: I googled it: it is “BLEEDERS”! He sang the line in desperation, because it’s really hard to get a hemophiliac to sit down for a straight-razor shave.
Homo: You hemos are such pussies. But you are learning, young one. Forget about shaving: I’ve always wondered about airport shoe-shiners. Do they use a rigged-up chair like Sweeney Todd, to help back up the U.S.’s policy that foreign positoids can’t enter the country?
Hemo: That’s some last line of defense. If one of us gets through, we are berated into getting that shoe shine. From the Jamba Juice to the Cinnabon, scantily-clad federal agents flirt, saying things like. ”I just love Fins! But your shoes…”
Homo: Are you sure you’re not gay? We should install one those chairs in the Oval Office, to dump useless humans into the White House’s basement oven. It gets triggered whenever the Prez signs legislation that says “HIV POZ PEOPLE CANNOT ENTER THE USA!” Just as he dots his “i”… **SCHLUMP**
Hemo: I like that. Let’s rally the AIDS community and have that chair waiting in January 2009 for the next president. And no more long hiatuses for us, Homo.
Homo: Indeed, thinblood.
Hemo: As for Sweeney Todd, I give it my highest rating: an Undetectable Viral Load. It really got my juices flowing! What about you, Homo?
Homo: Let’s see: blood, revenge, disgusting meat pies, Sondheim music, and great art design? Sweeney Todd deserves two bloody stumps up. Well done!
Hemo: So I guess I’ll see you next time at the movies…
Homo: And the pie shop!
Hemo: Or at the hospital?
Homo: …just not at the shoeshiners.
Hemo: Definitely not.
ON THE NEXT Hemo2Homo Connection Review: THERE WILL BE BLOOD… stay tuned!!!
Don’t forget to visit Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin online.
LIFE IN PHOTOS
Face Time fun with my Goddaughter. She was digging our phone chat- even though we were about three feet away from one another.
Making the enemy quit out with @squirrel_munky and @vaineos :)
Closing out the Joe with @gwennbarringer this afternoon.
Caught in full Mocha Mode...
Speaking About Sexual Health
Since 2000, Shawn and Gwenn have been speaking about sexual health together, sharing their personal story and empowering others to be safe. If you are interested in having them speak at your event, fill out the Contact Us form.
Check out Shawn's music and buy his book, My Pet Virus, which is now available on Kindle!
It will be the funniest book you've ever read about someone having AIDS... guaranteed!