Coming Attraction…
March 6, 2009
“You know, Steve, when you told me you wanted to review Watch Men,
I thought you just wanted to watch a gay porn.” – Hemo (Shawn)
Decker. Schalchlin. Hemo. Homo.
Back together again as the most dynamic movie reviewing duo living with AIDS. Witness their dramatic return to this blog on Monday, and go see the movie so you know what the hell they are talking about.
And. most importantly, don’t forget to dare to believe again!
15 years of AIDS at the Oscars
February 26, 2009
There’s a great article on Poz.com, written by the talented Mr. Bob Ickes. It examines AIDS impact at the Oscars. Check it out!
Also, in my post-Oscar wrap blog, I mentioned that Heath Ledger wasn’t in this year’s “Death Montage” segment. That’s because he was there last year, since he passed in January of 2008.
Ooopsily Yours,
Shawn
Oscar Results
February 23, 2009
FAIL.
The Hemo2Homo Connection couldn’t have been more wrong in their predictions. Steve called it for Best Actor with Sean Penn, and the winner even gave the Connection a shout out from stage, saying “Homo” in his acceptance speech. Don’t believe me? Check it out at the :50 mark:
OK, maybe he wasn’t thinking about us in that moment.
If I’d been correct, I would have taken the high road and complimented my movie review partner for his spirited-yet-failed prediction. But Steve? Well, here’s the title of his blog post today: “Homo Wins! Hemo Walks Away in Disgrace.”
Steve also got the Best Supporting Actor award right with his brave choice of Heath Ledger. Who could have seen that one coming? What was strange was that the Academy left Heath off of the “Death Montage”, where they show a pic of everyone the film community has lost in the last year. This year, Queen Latifah sang during this part of the show. Since Heath’s family had already accepted his Best Supporting award, the Academy must have figured that everyone knew.
I really thought Marisa Tomei would win for Best Supporting Actress, but I’d totally forgotten that Penelope Cruz was in the running. And that she’d kissed Scarlett Johansson in that movie she was in. I really let down the straight movie-going public with that oversight and missed prediction. I promise this will not happen again.
Now, it’s off to find a theatre that is still playing Milk, a movie I’ve really wanted to see. Sadly, it left my town way too soon.
By the way, did anyone see Adrian Brody last night?
February 22, 2009 STEVE SAYS: The Oscars! The gayest event of the entertainment season featuring five movies no one in America actually saw all competing to win a prize so that their DVD sales will escalate (since none of the films ever played in any actual theaters where “the public” — that great unwashed mass of Paul Blart lovers — resides.) BEST ACTRESS: Kate Winslet. It takes great skill to play the stupidest woman who ever lived. (More on that later). BEST MOVIE: That’s stupid, Shawn. But not as dumb as THE READER. I hated this movie. OK, I am back now. Thanks for pitching in Steve, we’ll see how it goes tonight. Good luck to you… you’re going to need it! February 4, 2009 At the time, too, I didn’t know I was 3 years away from an AIDS diagnosis. I felt kind of indestructible at the time, really, realizing just how cool it was that I’d outlived that initial prognosis. I was never able to take it in before I spoke out about HIV, because I had a deep-seeded fear that the virus would take me some day. January 15, 2009 Shawn (AKA “Hemo”): What was your favorite movie of 2008? Shawn: Tropic Thunder! Robert Downey Jr. got screwed at the Golden Globes, losing Best Supporting Actor to Heath Ledger. Steve: He died- plus he was brilliant in The Dark Knight… Shawn: Robert Downey Jr. was brilliant in Tropic Thunder! And he’s been legally dead at least seventeen times since 1989. So what was the biggest dud of 2008? Shawn: Yes. Shawn: Lastly, what was your proudest moment of the Hemo2Homo Connection in 2008? Ten years ago we posted our first review, I don’t even know what movie we butchered. We were rolling for a bit, then went on hiatus. When I was writing My Pet Virus, I thought it would be funny to put our review of the AIDS-mentioning movie, The Hours, in there, half expecting my editor or publisher to suggest that it be removed. But no, it was well-received. And thus the fire in the belly of the H2H was re-ignited, never to be extinguished again. Really, writing those reviews with Steve is a lot of fun, and here’s to hoping Hollywood throws us some more softballs in 2009. Positively Yours, Shawn The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin. The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus. To read the Hemo2Homo Connection reviews of the Dark Knight and The Happening, simply follow the non-Rick Astley links above. August 15, 2008
One movie I won’t be missing is the biopic of Snoop Dogg, starring Brody as the rapper. Thanks to my friend Lauren for noticing the resemblance. As for Brody, he can thank my pick for Best Supporting Actor, Robert Downey Jr., for the courage to seek out and fight for the role of Snoop.
Positively Yours,
ShawnHemo2Homo… Oscar Special!
Tonight is the Oscars. It’s always a chance for me and Steve- The Hemo2Homo Connection- to match wits and predict winners. I’ll post the results tomorrow and will try not to gloat too much when I win. Oh, and I forgot to wear my suit to this blog entry, so I’m going to turn this one over to my wiser movie-going counterpart…Steve, take it away!
BEST ACTOR: Sean Penn. No actor has ever so completely captured a real figure. Ever.
(SHAWN SAYS: “No way- Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler! It’s still real to me, dammit!”)
SUPPORTING ACTOR: Heath Ledger. No actor has ever so completely captured Dick Cheney’s persona. Ever. And, amazingly, though both are dead, one manages to crawl out of the grave and appear on Fox News every once in awhile.
(SHAWN SAYS: “Robert Downey Jr. takes it running away. He’s been legally dead seven or eight times, that’s more than Heath and Cheney combined!”)
(SHAWN SAYS: “Marisa Tomei!”)
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: I’m voting for Marisa Tomei because I know she’s in this category, not the Best Actress one, unlike Thinblood. I’m also going with Tomei because of the way she stomped her foot in that movie where Herman Munster was the judge. Yes, yes, I know that performance was a different year and she already won for that movie, but I don’t care.
(SHAWN SAYS: “Give her all the awards! The best stripping performance since Showgirls!”)
MILK. MILK. MILK. MILK. And yeah, I know Slumdog is supposed to win, and I loved Slumdog even though it was a purely sentimental piece of impossibility, but then, that’s what movies are all about.
(SHAWN SAYS: “Slumdog won’t win. They would have won if the movie had centered around the gameshow The Price Is Right- a classic. Not the dated Millionaire show. Can you imagine a high stakes ending that involves Plinko?”)
Warning: Steve Spoiler Ahead!
You see, The Reader is fictional account of the stupidest woman on earth. It starts off where she (statutory) rapes a willing 15 year old naked boy (uncut!). But it’s okay because she’s a sympathetic Nazi prison guard who we’re
supposed to feel sorry for even though she was personally responsible for watching and facilitating the deaths of hundreds or thousands of human beings. Why?
Because, boo hoo, she can’t read.
So the other mean Nazi guards let her take the rap for an incident where hundreds of
Jews died in a church fire, even though she was guilty anyway. And yes, that’s the actual plot. And that piece of crap was nominated for Best Picture. Be thankful it never showed in your town, Hemo.
And the best thing you’ve ever done is turn your blog over to me, by the way.
(SHAWN SAYS: “This was a bad idea, and why am I in parenthesis? Any final statements, Steve?”)
The Dark Knight got ripped off. So did every real film lover.
—————————————
Positively Yours,
ShawnHemo2Homo Labworks
So guess whose lab results come up on my “My Pet Virus” Google Alert? None other than Steve Schalchlin, the Ebert to my Roper. Here’s what he posted on Monday, in no way colluding with me…
“Also went to see the doc… My highest t-cell count to date: 525. And a great percentage: 21%. So, I don’t know that I’d say my immune system is strengthening since these numbers go up and down all the time, but it’s clear that my health is holding its own.”
Too cool, even in t-cells Steve shows me who the boss is, besting my latest lab results by two measly t-cells! Well, he may have two more, but mine are wittier as a whole.
Since the last post kind featured the dark side of humanity, and the randomness of opening that book to the one page (of about 400 pages total) that had the word “AIDS”, I have to acknowledge the great coincidence of our Monday blogs.
When I met Steve in 1996, he was losing his battle against his pet virus. Well, his body was at least. His sense of humor was so effervescent, I had no idea how close I was to losing my new pal.
When I did get sick in 1999, Steve was one of the few people who knew just how dire my health was, combined with my “rebel without a cure” attitude. Unlike me at the time, he’d seen friends die before. “If you don’t take these drugs, you will DIE!”, he emailed me.
Some would say that us two oddballs defied the odds to live to meet one another. Maybe. All I know for sure is that we are here now, blogging about record high t-cell counts. We’re both doing well, and that’s the good news… the bad news? Looks like his hometown of Hollywood is going to have to deal with the Hemo2Homo Connection for many more years to come.
Positively Yours,
ShawnHemo2Homo Connection Looks Back
2008 was a great year for movies; mainly because it marked the dramatic return to form of the only Living-With-AIDS Movie Review duo, “The Hemo2Homo Connection”, myself and Steve Schalchlin. Recently I caught up with my wiser half to ask him a few questions about the year that was 2008.
Steve (AKA “Homo”): Milk, followed by Slumdog Millionaire. You?
Steve: Did The Happening come out in 2008?
Steve: Then The Happening.
Steve: That we are still doing it!
—————Hemo2Homo Connection: The Dark Knight Review
Homo: Hemo, since it’s taken you three weeks to see the movie, I’d like to elaborate on why I went on opening weekend. (And yes, reader, hemo is the reason this is so late).
Homo: Exactly. So, I’m amazed at how good The Dark Knight is on every level. Heath Ledger’s Joker has already become iconic. I still live with the vivid image of him in that nurse’s outfit, dancing in the parking lot of the hospital, pushing those buttons. It’s indelible.
Homo: Are you kidding? I’d PAY to see that. And the relief is that his actual death has nothing to do with the enjoyment of his performance, assuming one can truly “enjoy” watching a complete psychopath. He’s so different from “Brokeback” where he was so totally authentic as a tight-jawed cowboy.
Patient adherence under Dr. Joker rose by 317%
Homo: A wrestler? You sat through this entire movie and the only thing that caught your attention was some old wrestler from 1989 who once starred in a movie with Hulk Hogan?
I really think they are setting him up as the next super villain. Zeus was only a nice guy in The Dark Knight to lull the audience into a false sense of security for the next time. It’s a classic wrestling swerve-job, Homo.
Homo: Well, the first thing I’d like you to do is to do what normal movie reviewers do. See the movie early enough that you’re one of the first to be talking about it.
Homo: Either way it doesn’t matter: everyone has talked it to death, even the sorta “bad” parts, like Batman’s raspy voice processing or the way The Joker managed to attract hordes of followers even though he killed everyone who ever worked for him.
Hemo: What? What??
Homo: As much as it pains me, I just realized that you’re a genius. By focusing on Zeus, we’re the only reviewers to introduce a totally unique perspective on the movie!
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that.
Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Hemo2Homo Connection: The Happening Review (The Last H2H?)
July 11, 2008
Hemo: He has done it again: my generation’s Alfred Hitchcock, Mr. M. Night Shaymalan, has delivered another masterpiece with The Happening.
Homo: WHAT??? Are you losing your mind, Hemo? Hitchcock would have never produced a turkey like this thing, which I only went because you said we should review it. What’s worse is that I had heard it sucked, but my friend Ernie and I decided to go see it anyway because we were in the mood for a good/bad movie.
Hemo: Don’t be a hater- you’re just mad because you didn’t see the end coming.
Homo: You mean I couldn’t wait for the end to come. And not just of the movie. Everyone in the theatre, we were making a suicide pact. This might be the worst movie I’ve seen in a decade. And not “good” bad.
Hemo: When did you lose your sense of humor?
Homo: Stop it. It’s tediously, boringly, amateurishly, laughingly, stultifyingly bad. One of those that’s more fun to talk about later than to have to sit through.
Hemo: Worse than Indiana Jones?
Homo: It was worse than a night of summer reality TV.
Hemo: Worse than Big Brother?
Homo: Yes. I was stunned, thinblood.
WARNING: PLOT SPOILERS
Hemo: Stunned in shocked silence by the surprise twist ending?
Homo: Surprise? You mean that ending I could see coming a mile away? No, I was stunned because someone had the balls to charge money for this unintentional comedy. The first laugh occurred when they were evacuating Manhattan because they think terrorists have attacked it with poison gas.
Hemo: There’s nothing funny about terrorism, Steve.
Homo: Or, apparently, scary. Picture this, thinblood: NEW YORK CITY IS BEING EVACUATED! Are the people rushing? Are they running? Are they in a panic? Nope. They’re all leisurely strolling through Grand Central Station, casually getting train tickets.
Hemo: Maybe they all had bleeding disorders? Toxic gas is nothing compared to a bad bleed, especially one that’s easily avoided with a modicum of caution.
Homo: Even if there was a Thinblood Convention in New York City, that doesn’t mean the rest of the New Yorkers would be polite enough to not trample them. Trust me- I lived there. The calm demeanor of the public is tempered by Mark Wahlberg’s wife, who is upset at him because he told their friend that she’s been a bit distant.
Hemo: I thought that was a very moving scene.
Homo: Are they putting heroin into your blood products these days? The city is being attacked! People are dying left and right. But what she’s really upset about is that their friend has been told that she’s been a little bit disengaged?
Hemo: Welcome to my world, Homo. That’s how the ladies roll. Remember, sexual preference is a choice, and it’s not too late to switch teams. (note: Shawn Decker knows sexual preference is not a choice, and has gone on record as saying such.)
Homo: No thanks, Hemo. But I am rethinking this Movie Reviewer business.
Hemo: I hear ya, lately these bad movies are making AIDS seem like a cakewalk. Wait, you look like you are about to rant… are you about to…
Homo: You’d think these folks were on an AIDS Walk, without the passion! No, they’re casually walking to the train, but global terrorism isn’t enough drama for Marky’s wife! They could all be poisoned already, but she petulantly decides to sit in a different train car so she can cool down.
Hemo: But what about…
Homo: Naturally, in this evacuation, there are lots of cars and seats to choose from. She finds the seat and gets a phone call from a guy. She picks up the phone and says — I kid you not — “Stop calling me! It’s like you’ve become a stalker! All we did was eat some tiramisu!”
Ernie and I screamed out loud, laughing. At that point, we went all MST3000 on this thing, delivering new dialogue all the way through. Luckily, there were only four other people in the place… Hemo, are you still here?
Hemo: I’m back. I just googled “Eating Tiramisu”, just in case it’s a new phrase for an old sex act: it’s not. :O(
Homo: Sex couldn’t even spice up this movie, which would have been the high point of the entire badly written script. This movie ran out of ideas after five minutes. See, trees and grass are really pissed off at humans, so they’re spraying gas or pollen into the air which makes people commit suicide. Once we learn this, the movie becomes a series of people killing themselves in every PG way possible. Gun shots, jumping off buildings, stabbings, lying in front of a giant lawn mower, etc. And what do you do when you are being attacked by trees, thinblood?
Hemo: Climb up a bear?
Homo: Even better: THEY RUN INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE WHERE THERE’S NOTHING BUT TREES! At one point Marky says, “Quick, get ahead of the wind!” How do you get ahead of the wind?
Hemo: You’ve never had Thanksgiving with my family. If you hear a certain sound, and you don’t get ahead of the wind, you don’t live to enjoy a second serving of mashed potatoes.
Homo: In this movie, it was the Earth that was farting. Or God. Or Muhammed. Whichever God had beans for dinner last dealt it. This whole thing was a bad imitation of a 60′s rip-off of the Twilight Zone series.
Hemo: No, Steve, no. It was an homage! One master paying tribute to another.
Homo: Shawn. No. And I’m scared sick that you are standing behind this movie. And what exactly did you like about this movie, anyway?
Hemo: Well… uh… you have to admit it was kind of cool when Wahlberg started blowing up the trees and chainsawing them down and stuff.
Homo: What are you talking about? You did go see The Happening, right?
Hemo: Actually, I heard a lot of bad things about this one, too. And, since we’re in a recession and all, I figured it would be wise to save the old beans, if ya know what I mean.
Homo: What?! I only went because you told me to!
Hemo: I was going to email you about my change of plan, then I thought: “How cool would it be, in the great tradition of M. Night, to have a surprise ending to this review?”
Homo: I hate you. I’m re-abandoning you as a Godchild. How’s that for a surprise ending?
Hemo: Homo? Homo?
WILL THE HEMO2HOMO CONNECTION BE BACK TO REVIEW BATMAN? IS THE DYNAMIC DUO FINISHED? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
life in photos
I am frightened by ceilings. A terrible phobia to have.
Today's assortment of treats: tea for Gwenn, a mocha for me and a cookie to share.
My buddy Sharanya preparing my mocha with just an extra dash of love.
Hanging on wall in our guest bedroom. Couldn't agree more!
Speaking About Sexual Health
Since 2000, Shawn and Gwenn have been speaking about sexual health together, sharing their personal story and empowering others to be safe. If you are interested in having them speak at your event, fill out the Contact Us form.
Check out Shawn's music and buy his book, My Pet Virus, which is now available on Kindle!
It will be the funniest book you've ever read about someone having AIDS... guaranteed!