Hemo2Homo Labworks
February 4, 2009
So guess whose lab results come up on my “My Pet Virus” Google Alert? None other than Steve Schalchlin, the Ebert to my Roper. Here’s what he posted on Monday, in no way colluding with me…
“Also went to see the doc… My highest t-cell count to date: 525. And a great percentage: 21%. So, I don’t know that I’d say my immune system is strengthening since these numbers go up and down all the time, but it’s clear that my health is holding its own.”
Too cool, even in t-cells Steve shows me who the boss is, besting my latest lab results by two measly t-cells! Well, he may have two more, but mine are wittier as a whole.
Since the last post kind featured the dark side of humanity, and the randomness of opening that book to the one page (of about 400 pages total) that had the word “AIDS”, I have to acknowledge the great coincidence of our Monday blogs.
When I met Steve in 1996, he was losing his battle against his pet virus. Well, his body was at least. His sense of humor was so effervescent, I had no idea how close I was to losing my new pal.
At the time, too, I didn’t know I was 3 years away from an AIDS diagnosis. I felt kind of indestructible at the time, really, realizing just how cool it was that I’d outlived that initial prognosis. I was never able to take it in before I spoke out about HIV, because I had a deep-seeded fear that the virus would take me some day.
When I did get sick in 1999, Steve was one of the few people who knew just how dire my health was, combined with my “rebel without a cure” attitude. Unlike me at the time, he’d seen friends die before. “If you don’t take these drugs, you will DIE!”, he emailed me.
Some would say that us two oddballs defied the odds to live to meet one another. Maybe. All I know for sure is that we are here now, blogging about record high t-cell counts. We’re both doing well, and that’s the good news… the bad news? Looks like his hometown of Hollywood is going to have to deal with the Hemo2Homo Connection for many more years to come.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Hemo2Homo Connection Looks Back
January 15, 2009
2008 was a great year for movies; mainly because it marked the dramatic return to form of the only Living-With-AIDS Movie Review duo, “The Hemo2Homo Connection”, myself and Steve Schalchlin. Recently I caught up with my wiser half to ask him a few questions about the year that was 2008.
Shawn (AKA “Hemo”): What was your favorite movie of 2008?
Steve (AKA “Homo”): Milk, followed by Slumdog Millionaire. You?
Shawn: Tropic Thunder!
Robert Downey Jr. got screwed at the Golden Globes, losing Best Supporting Actor to Heath Ledger.
Steve: He died- plus he was brilliant in The Dark Knight…
Shawn: Robert Downey Jr. was brilliant in Tropic Thunder! And he’s been legally dead at least seventeen times since 1989. So what was the biggest dud of 2008?
Steve: Did The Happening come out in 2008?
Shawn: Yes.
Steve: Then The Happening.
Shawn: Lastly, what was your proudest moment of the Hemo2Homo Connection in 2008?
Steve: That we are still doing it!
—————
Ten years ago we posted our first review, I don’t even know what movie we butchered. We were rolling for a bit, then went on hiatus. When I was writing My Pet Virus, I thought it would be funny to put our review of the AIDS-mentioning movie, The Hours, in there, half expecting my editor or publisher to suggest that it be removed.
But no, it was well-received. And thus the fire in the belly of the H2H was re-ignited, never to be extinguished again. Really, writing those reviews with Steve is a lot of fun, and here’s to hoping Hollywood throws us some more softballs in 2009.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
To read the Hemo2Homo Connection reviews of the Dark Knight and The Happening, simply follow the non-Rick Astley links above.
Hemo2Homo Connection: The Dark Knight Review
August 15, 2008
Homo: Hemo, since it’s taken you three weeks to see the movie, I’d like to elaborate on why I went on opening weekend. (And yes, reader, hemo is the reason this is so late).
Homo: Exactly. So, I’m amazed at how good The Dark Knight is on every level. Heath Ledger’s Joker has already become iconic. I still live with the vivid image of him in that nurse’s outfit, dancing in the parking lot of the hospital, pushing those buttons. It’s indelible.
Homo: Are you kidding? I’d PAY to see that. And the relief is that his actual death has nothing to do with the enjoyment of his performance, assuming one can truly “enjoy” watching a complete psychopath. He’s so different from “Brokeback” where he was so totally authentic as a tight-jawed cowboy.
Patient adherence under Dr. Joker rose by 317%
Homo: A wrestler? You sat through this entire movie and the only thing that caught your attention was some old wrestler from 1989 who once starred in a movie with Hulk Hogan?
I really think they are setting him up as the next super villain. Zeus was only a nice guy in The Dark Knight to lull the audience into a false sense of security for the next time. It’s a classic wrestling swerve-job, Homo.
Homo: Well, the first thing I’d like you to do is to do what normal movie reviewers do. See the movie early enough that you’re one of the first to be talking about it.
Homo: Either way it doesn’t matter: everyone has talked it to death, even the sorta “bad” parts, like Batman’s raspy voice processing or the way The Joker managed to attract hordes of followers even though he killed everyone who ever worked for him.
Hemo: What? What??
Homo: As much as it pains me, I just realized that you’re a genius. By focusing on Zeus, we’re the only reviewers to introduce a totally unique perspective on the movie!
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that.
Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Hemo2Homo Connection: The Happening Review (The Last H2H?)
July 11, 2008
Hemo: He has done it again: my generation’s Alfred Hitchcock, Mr. M. Night Shaymalan, has delivered another masterpiece with The Happening.
Homo: WHAT??? Are you losing your mind, Hemo? Hitchcock would have never produced a turkey like this thing, which I only went because you said we should review it. What’s worse is that I had heard it sucked, but my friend Ernie and I decided to go see it anyway because we were in the mood for a good/bad movie.
Hemo: Don’t be a hater- you’re just mad because you didn’t see the end coming.
Homo: You mean I couldn’t wait for the end to come. And not just of the movie. Everyone in the theatre, we were making a suicide pact. This might be the worst movie I’ve seen in a decade. And not “good” bad.
Hemo: When did you lose your sense of humor?
Homo: Stop it. It’s tediously, boringly, amateurishly, laughingly, stultifyingly bad. One of those that’s more fun to talk about later than to have to sit through.
Hemo: Worse than Indiana Jones?
Homo: It was worse than a night of summer reality TV.
Hemo: Worse than Big Brother?
Homo: Yes. I was stunned, thinblood.
WARNING: PLOT SPOILERS
Hemo: Stunned in shocked silence by the surprise twist ending?
Homo: Surprise? You mean that ending I could see coming a mile away? No, I was stunned because someone had the balls to charge money for this unintentional comedy. The first laugh occurred when they were evacuating Manhattan because they think terrorists have attacked it with poison gas.
Hemo: There’s nothing funny about terrorism, Steve.
Homo: Or, apparently, scary. Picture this, thinblood: NEW YORK CITY IS BEING EVACUATED! Are the people rushing? Are they running? Are they in a panic? Nope. They’re all leisurely strolling through Grand Central Station, casually getting train tickets.
Hemo: Maybe they all had bleeding disorders? Toxic gas is nothing compared to a bad bleed, especially one that’s easily avoided with a modicum of caution.
Homo: Even if there was a Thinblood Convention in New York City, that doesn’t mean the rest of the New Yorkers would be polite enough to not trample them. Trust me- I lived there. The calm demeanor of the public is tempered by Mark Wahlberg’s wife, who is upset at him because he told their friend that she’s been a bit distant.
Hemo: I thought that was a very moving scene.
Homo: Are they putting heroin into your blood products these days? The city is being attacked! People are dying left and right. But what she’s really upset about is that their friend has been told that she’s been a little bit disengaged?
Hemo: Welcome to my world, Homo. That’s how the ladies roll. Remember, sexual preference is a choice, and it’s not too late to switch teams. (note: Shawn Decker knows sexual preference is not a choice, and has gone on record as saying such.)
Homo: No thanks, Hemo. But I am rethinking this Movie Reviewer business.
Hemo: I hear ya, lately these bad movies are making AIDS seem like a cakewalk. Wait, you look like you are about to rant… are you about to…
Homo: You’d think these folks were on an AIDS Walk, without the passion! No, they’re casually walking to the train, but global terrorism isn’t enough drama for Marky’s wife! They could all be poisoned already, but she petulantly decides to sit in a different train car so she can cool down.
Hemo: But what about…
Homo: Naturally, in this evacuation, there are lots of cars and seats to choose from. She finds the seat and gets a phone call from a guy. She picks up the phone and says — I kid you not — “Stop calling me! It’s like you’ve become a stalker! All we did was eat some tiramisu!”
Ernie and I screamed out loud, laughing. At that point, we went all MST3000 on this thing, delivering new dialogue all the way through. Luckily, there were only four other people in the place… Hemo, are you still here?
Hemo: I’m back. I just googled “Eating Tiramisu”, just in case it’s a new phrase for an old sex act: it’s not. :O(
Homo: Sex couldn’t even spice up this movie, which would have been the high point of the entire badly written script. This movie ran out of ideas after five minutes. See, trees and grass are really pissed off at humans, so they’re spraying gas or pollen into the air which makes people commit suicide. Once we learn this, the movie becomes a series of people killing themselves in every PG way possible. Gun shots, jumping off buildings, stabbings, lying in front of a giant lawn mower, etc. And what do you do when you are being attacked by trees, thinblood?
Hemo: Climb up a bear?
Homo: Even better: THEY RUN INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE WHERE THERE’S NOTHING BUT TREES! At one point Marky says, “Quick, get ahead of the wind!” How do you get ahead of the wind?
Hemo: You’ve never had Thanksgiving with my family. If you hear a certain sound, and you don’t get ahead of the wind, you don’t live to enjoy a second serving of mashed potatoes.
Homo: In this movie, it was the Earth that was farting. Or God. Or Muhammed. Whichever God had beans for dinner last dealt it. This whole thing was a bad imitation of a 60’s rip-off of the Twilight Zone series.
Hemo: No, Steve, no. It was an homage! One master paying tribute to another.
Homo: Shawn. No. And I’m scared sick that you are standing behind this movie. And what exactly did you like about this movie, anyway?
Hemo: Well… uh… you have to admit it was kind of cool when Wahlberg started blowing up the trees and chainsawing them down and stuff.
Homo: What are you talking about? You did go see The Happening, right?
Hemo: Actually, I heard a lot of bad things about this one, too. And, since we’re in a recession and all, I figured it would be wise to save the old beans, if ya know what I mean.
Homo: What?! I only went because you told me to!
Hemo: I was going to email you about my change of plan, then I thought: “How cool would it be, in the great tradition of M. Night, to have a surprise ending to this review?”
Homo: I hate you. I’m re-abandoning you as a Godchild. How’s that for a surprise ending?
Hemo: Homo? Homo?
WILL THE HEMO2HOMO CONNECTION BE BACK TO REVIEW BATMAN? IS THE DYNAMIC DUO FINISHED? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Hemo2Homo Connection: The Sex & The City Review
June 12, 2008
The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review 
Homo:
Hemo: I’m a bad straight- I love to gossip, and watched most of this HBO series with Gwenn and two of our best (good gay) friends. So of course I was there for the movie, it was somewhat of an event in our household.
I know, I’m a bad straight.
Homo: I wouldn’t have even gone to see this thing if not for you. And you said you liked it?
Hemo: Yes, there was humor, and remember, I’d just had the Spielberg/Lucas shitbomb of Indiana dropped on me. Maybe I just got Sex more, since I knew the characters from the TV show.
Homo: You don’t understand. I watched the series. I’m not THAT bad of a homo.
Hemo: My bad, Homo.
Homo: No probleemo, Hemo. But a bad movie is a bad movie. Christ. Purses. Labels. Shoes. Shopping. More shopping. More labels. More shoes. What the hell is it with women and shoes? Those horrors cost $500?? And $500 for a damn purse??
Hemo: You have to remember: most people aren’t dumping all of their money into expensive HIV medications like we are.
Homo: Right. Which is why I’m kicking myself for dumping money into Indiana and Sex…
Hemo: Wait, what about that next-door neighbor of Samantha’s? They showed that dude’s ass like 50 times!
Homo: Okay, you got me. Being an Internet Icon, I’d heard all about Mr. Next Door Neighbor before stepping foot into the theatre. He’s the real reason I went to see it, not because you wanted me to.
Hemo: They showed that dude’s ass like 50 times. And I got nothing! I was forced to go online and look for photos of Kristen Davis giving some guy a….
Homo: Hold your horses, Hemo!
Hemo: And I’m not even sure it was her.
Homo: The straight women and gay men this movie was made for don’t care about you and your needs, thinblood. This is about us. But they did show Samantha in that sushi scene. That was kind, you know, um, fleshy?
Hemo: Kim Cattrall to the rescue again!
Kim Cattrall, modelling the latest in Gigantic Condom Headwear
That woman deserves to make five times what Sarah Jessica gets. She should have held out for more money.
Homo: There, you got Samantha. The next-door neighbor, as hot as he was, was still a straight dude. Except for the two hot guys who kissed in the first scene, what is up with the homofaguals in this series? Why is it that the only two gay men in the cast have the worst clothing and are the most repulsive looking characters on the screen?
Hemo: At least the movie had gay guys in it. Hemophiliacs have been on the cutting edge of fashion for years, and how are we rewarded? By not having one thinblood in the movie. C’mon!
The last time a hemo figured into a movie plot was the vampire film, The Thirst. The vampires fed on the thinblood, then some dude starting punching them and they all bled to death.
Homo: Wait. Is that a real movie? The vampires drank the blood of hemophiliacs and then bled to death from cuts? Genius.
Hemo: It was one thinblooded girl, but yes, it’s real. Netflix it. (Careful, there are two vampire movies called “The Thirst”, the one with the hemophiliac character in it also stars Jeremy Sisto.)
So, let’s cut to the chase: how do you rate Sex & The City?
Homo: Well, I’ll tell you the truth. It wasn’t entirely my cup of tea, and I thought the plot had holes big enough to hold Sarah Jessica Parker’s wardrobe, but I have to admit it was fun seeing the four girls together again. They’re like comic book heroes when they walk together. So, I’ll give it a very mild One Vein Up But Only For People Who Like This Kind Of Movie.
Hemo: I’m with you- the characters are interesting enough, though someone with clotting deficiencies would have added a nice dynamic. Still, I give the movie One-and-a-Half Veins Up.
Homo: I do: I also give one Special Vein Up for the guy next door.
Hemo: Gee, let me guess where that vein is located.
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Hemo2Homo Connection: The Indiana Jones review
June 9, 2008
The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review
(Two guys with AIDS reviewing movies. ‘Nuff said.)
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Homo:
This lame-ass movie was best summed up by my partner, Jim Brochu, who called it “Mr. Chips & The Temple of Doom.”
Hemo: Spielberg scored Erik Estrada? I think I missed that scene.
Homo: If you’re gonna be a movie reviewer, you should pay more attention to the film, and really should try to see a movie made before you were born.
One with, like, dialogue and stuff.
Hemo: After seeing this clunker, I may take your advice. And I’m still trying to figure out why Harrison Ford looked older to me ten years ago… does that mean I’m, getting old?
Homo: Yes, you’re getting old and he looked 20 years older. Uh oh. It sounds like we have a sad meeting of the minds. I wasn’t surprised by anything is in this movie.
Hemo: Really? You are so jaded that you weren’t shocked by the re-emergence of Marc Almond of Soft Cell, riding in as Indiana Jones’s son?
Homo: That wasn’t Marc Almond of Soft Cell, thinblood.
Hemo: Oh. No Erik Estrada, no Marc Almond. Well, at least I can hang my Indy hat on Helen Marnie of Ladytron’s star turn as the Commie S&M chick.
Homo: Helen who of what? And no, that wasn’t her, either. That was the Academy Award-winning actress, Cate Blanchett! And they are called credits, kookaid-blood.
Those letters that scroll upward at the end of the movie.
Hemo: Those credit things are always my cue to start gathering up leftover candy in the aisles. I like action, but the lame-ass sword duel atop two jeeps riding through a jungle seem improbable at best.
Homo: Just one of many pointless action sequences. And CGI ants aren’t scary anymore. Waiting for your viral load test results. Now that’s scary!
Hemo: I hate CGI- it ruined I Am Legend. They should never do CGI monsters so long as Gary Busey is still breathing.
Homo: Agreed. In previous Indy movies, Spielberg would do something in the foreground to keep us from falling asleep during this crap, like the sequence around the dining table where they’re eating giant bugs.
Hemo: Oh, yeah. That was such a cool scene. In this one, the bugs ate the people.
Homo: Actually, I think the script ate the people. And what was up with Blanchett’s random Russian accent, which veered wildly across the continents and back again? And she wants a skull that will give her the ultimate powers of the universe?
Hemo: Remember, it’s a skull made of crystals. And crystals are a girl’s best friend.
Homo: Those are diamonds, numbnuts. As for the whole premise of Indiana Jones, I think they could have saved a lot of money and just shot the whole thing in one place: a Pier 1 Imports store. That would have explained all of the old married couple banter between Indy and his once-girlfriend.
Hemo: Maybe Spielberg has long-since shot his money wads? Maybe he needs, for lack of a better metaphor, a Hollywood-esque sperm-washing procedure?
Homo: It’s not a bad idea. Hemo, in all seriousness, answer me this: Was there ever a moment in that theatre when you didn’t know what was going to happen next?
Hemo: Well, I arrived 10 minutes late. That’s why I missed Erik Estrada’s scene.
Homo: I give up.
Hemo:…And at the Carmike there are two pathways, and one was so dark I couldn’t even see what was blocking the path. I could hear the movie, but trying to figure out how to get the seats was pretty intriguing.
Homo: No! I meant a moment in the movie! But your story sounds more intriguing than the film itself… so, did you go to the other walkway? Or forge ahead into the darkness, where one wrong bump could send you to your untimely, bleeding doom?
Hemo: I went to the other one. Only to bump into a guy in a wheelchair who was blocking that path.
Homo: Ew, ew! Please tell me you tipped him! This is the best confrontation since Indy shot that dude with the sword in Raiders, or the Cripple Fight episode on South Park.
Hemo: No, I just apologized and stepped around him. Then took my seat. There was no one with a flashlight to help a thinblood out.
Homo: Your story had a lame ending, but was still better than the movie you so bravely pressed onward to see. Did you see National Treasure? Because there’s a moment in Indy that I now call the “National Treasure Idiot Moment.”
Our heroes go down into the treasure room. The girl sees a wooden rack filled with scrolls. She leans down and, without blinking, she announces, “Look! The lost scrolls from the Library of Alexandra!”
Hemo:That sounds awful.
Homo: “Crystal Skull” had one of those moments. I f you’re going to steal from the movie that stole from you, at least steal the good parts.
Hemo: Yeah. It would be like two guys with AIDS stealing our movie-review bit, but only using your parts.
Homo: Hey, , watch it: I’m the smart one here, Mr. Quips. And don’t forget who has the clotting factor, kid.
Hemo: You’re starting to sound like Indiana Jones.
Homo: I’m not that old. I was really afraid you’d buy into the hype on this one. There may be hope for you yet, thinblood.
Hemo: Hey, thanks! So what’s your final grade on Professor Jones?
Homo: I give Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull two bloodless veins down. You?
Hemo: Not enough “snapper” in Indiana’s “whipper” this go around. I give it a Highly Detectable Viral Load of Crap rating.
Homo: Oh boy. See? This is why I can never die. You’d kill this review faster than this script killed off Indiana Jones.
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
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