The Breakfast Club Game
August 7, 2009
The passing of John Hughes is my Michael Jackson moment. In my opinion, three weeks of full-on news coverage of his death would be appropriate. I want to see Long Duk Dong on CNN explaining how Mr. Hughes brought attention to the slave trade/foreign exchange student situation of the 1980’s, the true agenda of the movie Sixteen Candles.
That’s my favorite of all of his work. Just watched it last night. Aside from a couple of uses of the word “fag” and “faggot” as insults, the movie is perfection. What I like most about his work is that he championed the misfit, and really made it clear that everyone feels the isolation that is usually only acknowledged/accepted in the teenage years of our existence.
I was pretty young when Hughes unleashed the Holy Trinity of the 80’s (Sixteen Candles, Pretty In Pink and The Breakfast Club, respectively), but it still resonated with me and my friends. We wanted to be John Bender from the Club so badly that we invented a neighborhood game based on the movie. If you want to play in tribute of Hughes, here’s how:
- find the friend with the biggest house
- use front porch as the library/detention
- to avoid arguments, randomly draw characters from a hat (geek, jock, criminal, principal, whatever Ally Sheedy was)
- you can only use movie quotes that involve cursing
The Principal just walks around the house aimlessly, while the others “sneak out” from the porch from time to time. It was really fun when I was 10. I bet the game holds up today. Post a Comment if you play with friends. Bonus points if you videotape it and upload to YouTube.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, I remember seeing that in the theater with friends. The movie came out about a year before I was diagnosed with HIV, and it must have influenced me to use my HIV status as a reason to stay home from school. Thank you, John Hughes, for that. Of course, I drew the line at stealing a friend’s dad’s car. But only because I was 12.
The “Save Ferris” campaign in the movie still cracks me up. I could have made so much lunch money if I’d been out about my status in junior high school.
It’s tough to make teen movies that stand the test of time, but John Hughes managed to pull it off. At 34 I enjoy them just as much- if not more so- than I did on first viewing. Sure, he made some crappy movies, but that was intentional- Hughes just wanted to show he was human. I was saddened by the news of his passing because of my sentimental connection to his work, but was happy to read that he’d spent the better part of the last decade with his family.
He took Ferris’ advice about life moving pretty fast, and slowed down to take a look around.
Good for him.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
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Hemo2Homo Connection: Bruno
July 14, 2009
BRUNO REVIEW
HOMO: I know why you wanted to see this. Big homosexual terrorizes the public at large! It’s because you thought it was a horror film — “Saw” for straight men.
HEMO: Actually I thought Bruno was the a wrestling biopic for Bruno Sammartino. When I found out it wasn’t, I decided not to go.
HOMO: You flaked on me again?
HEMO: I was totally busy this past weekend, playing an HIV benefit with my synthpop trio. MAC artists were there, and they totally made me up in guyliner, check it out.
HOMO: Mmmmm, hmmmm… say, what band did you meet through the Make-A-Wish Foundation back in 1990? Was that Guns N’ Roses? Motley Crue? Bananarama?
HEMO: No, Depeche Mode. What are you getting at?
HOMO: Well, I don’t want to say you look a little gay or anything, but not even Bruno wore that much eyeliner…
When I first heard that there would be this insane movie about a totally exaggerated, offensive gay stereotype running around scaring straight people, I was waiting for the scene where he asks Carrie Prejean about gay marriage and then calls her names in an insane rant equal only to “Leave Britney alone.”
HEMO: Leave Hemo alone!
HOMO: But it wasn’t Perez Hilton they were talking about- it was that fake Austrian oversexed sissy who once asked a skinhead, “Are there any of you who aren’t gay?”
HEMO: Not even Bruno Sammartino would say that to a skinhead.
HOMO: I thought, “What could Bruno do that’s worse than Perez, a guy who makes Ross the Intern look like Johnny Carson?”
HEMO: Wait- did the Latoya Jackson scene make it in? He asked her to talk like Michael because that way he could say he interviewed the legend.
HOMO: NO! See what I mean? This is Bruno Lite. They took that scene out. It doesn’t matter. After seeing the film, I realized that it has the same plot as the Kathy Griffin Show, trying to get famous every week, except Life on the D List is much, MUCH gayer.
HEMO: That’s one of my favorites. On the most recent episode, she went off on Reagan for not saying “AIDS” for so long after someone gave her a jelly bean.
HOMO: See, she’s a lot funnier than Bruno, who’s a bit of a hum ho. I mean if you’re gonna do shock comedy, does anyone really think that Bruno is even REMOTELY as outrageous as Divine…
HEMO: What does that hooker that Hugh Grant banged a decade ago have to do with this?
HOMO: Okay, maybe you’re not gay, thinblood. John Waters’ Divine, who picked up a piece of dog crap and ate it, and who had a character who chained lesbians in a basement so she could sell the babies.
My biggest problem with Bruno is that very few of the people they ridicule are showing homophobia. Most of them are just reacting to someone putting a dildo in their face in public, or someone would trade a baby for an iPod. You don’t have to be homophobic to hate that. I don’t know who he’s skewering.
Or does it matter?
HEMO: It matters. I would have been there on opening night if his MTV Movie Awards show stunt with Eminem wasn’t totally staged. I mean, it makes sense to drop your balls in a rapper’s face unexpectedly, right? Em was great, acting offended, but he and MTV were in on the whole thing.
Which means that, despite Bruno’s balls being in Eminem’s face, the entire stunt had no real balls to speak of.
HOMO: Exactly. Hell, even the big scene at the end with all the wrestlers going nuts over “a same sex kiss.” Well, no. It wasn’t a kiss. It was a full-on sex scene with a guy who wasn’t that cute. I was just as turned off by it as the so-called redneck haters.
HEMO: So, you think they were rioting because they found out they weren’t starring in Bruno Sammartino?
HOMO: I don’t know. How cute is he? Given how gay wrestling is — big sweaty guys, doing S&M sex for pay — I wouldn’t want to miss that.
HEMO: Here he is.
HOMO: Never mind.
HEMO: So, how do you rate Bruno?
HOMO: Kinda funny, but not as gay, or as edgy, as the Republican Senate.
Steve’s Pick: If you want to see the scariest movie of the year, go see “The Hurt Locker.” It’s only showing in parts of the country, but this is the movie that will have you on the edge of your seat, and should be nominated for best movie Oscar.
The Hemo2Homo Connection is Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin. Just two guys with AIDS who like to review movies.
The creators/stars of the Hemo2Homo Connection met online in 1996, and
posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV
for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones
for much longer than that.
Steve Schalchlin (”Homo”) resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker (”Hemo”) lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
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Hemo2Homo Connection: Star Trek
May 18, 2009
The Hemo2Homo Connection is Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin. Just two guys with AIDS who like to review movies.
The creators/stars of the Hemo2Homo Connection met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for much longer than that.
Steve Schalchlin (”Homo”) resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker (”Hemo”) lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
The STAR TREK Review
HEMO: Seen any good movies recently, Hemo?
HEMO2031: Why yes, I have. Star Trek. Did you see it as well, Hemo?
HEMO: I did. And, overall, I enjoyed this film. Star Trek is the best Space AIDS movie since Starship Troopers.
HOMO: Shawn, who the hell are you talking to?
HEMO: I’ll tell you- in the future. For now, just know that I’m tired of being the young, wide-eyed half of this movie duo. You and I have been working together for 10 years now, and you always get to play the part of “Wise Sage Steve”, or “Mr. Movies” as they call you on the streets of Hollywood…
HOMO: No one has ever called me that.
HEMO: Not my point. My point is- I’ve survived over twenty years with HIV. But no matter how much older I get, you age at the same rate!
HOMO: Did you learn that heady stuff from Star Trek? What the hell is HEMO2031?
HEMO: It’s me, 22 years from now. That makes HEMO2031 your current age- 55. He/me is your equal. And I brought him back from the year 2031 to review Star Trek with me.
HOMO: This will be fun to watch.
HEMO2031: Nice to meet you, Steve.
HEMO: I call him “Homo”.
HEMO2031: In the year 2031 calling a gay man “Homo” is a crime that is punishable by death. If you don’t mind, I’ll call Steve “Steve”.
HOMO: He doesn’t mean anything by it, Hemo2031. I call him “Hemo.” Is that okay?
HEMO2031: Sure- but no one will know what you’re talking about in the year 2031, because hemophilia will be cured by then.
HOMO: Ha! Hear that, Hemo? Your kind will be extinct, and my kind will rule the Earth!
HEMO: This isn’t going how I planned. Look, this is all fascinating stuff about the future, really, but can we get back to Star Trek?
HOMO: Did you see the coming attractions? Previews are starting to feel longer than twenty-two years. This time, there was a long live-action version of that puppet film, Team America, complete with a fake Eiffel Tower being destroyed by some guys dressed like Iron Man who fight some multi-colored robots from outer space who are also attacking the Vatican.
It was called G.I. Transforminator.
HEMO: The G.I. Joe guys in those suits look like the NFL robots.
HOMO: Hey, Hemo2031, if you’re from the future, then you’ve already seen this flick. Any good?
HEMO2031: It will be deemed a classic of all time and they’ll pass a law that all movies must be sequels to G.I. Transforminator.
HOMO: With nothing but robots as characters? That will be the end of the AIDS movie as we know them. Will there be a Hemo2Homo Connection in 2031? My God- I’ll be 77. Will I be… alive?
HEMO2031: Yes, and yes. But the Hemo2Homo Connection will only review Michael Bay directed G.I. Transforminator movies from the year 2012 on, when President Jeb Bush signs into Michael Bay Act into law.
HOMO: That sounds like a fate far worse than death to me.
HEMO: … so no more movies about AIDS? We should really cherish Star Trek.
HOMO: You really see this as an AIDS movie? I thought you’d see it as a horror movie! It started right at the beginning with Kirk sitting at a table with Kleenex stuffed up his bloody nose. Then came Kid Spock kicking some other Vulcan kid’s ass… just like they used to beat you up in school just to watch you bleed! Fortunately, Spock’s blood is green and not all AIDS-y like yours.
HEMO: I was too distracted by the green-skinned bimbo to notice the green blood. It wasn’t until Spock’s planet was destroyed that it all clicked for me. “There’s only 10,000 Vulcans remaining,” Spock said. An obvious reference to the 1980’s blood scandal and The Committee of Ten Thousand.
HOMO: So this isn’t just an AIDS movie? It’s a thinblooded AIDS movie? Geesh. Hey, I wonder if they have Vulcan blood clogger-upper or if AIDS can be transmitted into copper-based blood? HEMO2031, any answers?
HEMO: I have a confession to make: I made up the HEMO2031 thing.
HOMO2031: Past me forgives you.
HEMO2031: Past me accepts.
HEMO: I can’t imagine how cranky you’ll be about movies at age 77, Homo. So what did you like most about Star Trek?
HOMO: I loved how the other characters on the bridge who channeled the spirit of the originals–and not just like extras. Each of them showing motivation, strength, innocence and fortitude. Not as much as us, and our ability to survive with AIDS. But close.
HEMO: The cast is great. My only beef with Star Trek was the CGI snow creatures scene, and the hanging on by the fingernails scenes. I hate those kinds of things in any movie, especially in one where you care about the characters. I’d rather have seen young Spock having a private conversation with his lady than watch Kirk narrowly cheat death. Again.
HOMO: Yeah, note to directors out there: The word “cliffhanger” is a metaphor. Still, you gotta give it up for a Hollywood movie with actual characters. They must have hired a gay. It’s the only explanation.
HEMO: It’s the only explanation for not seeing Green Alien Bimbo’s ta-tas.
HOMO: Kirk did look good in his undies in that scene. Maybe his not-so-light saber and her green boobs will be in the extras on the DVD? But Star Trek was just like the Hemo2Homo Connection… it was funny! This movie made me laugh out loud again and again. It felt like the real Star Trek, not like that tired Wolverine farce.
As for the rest of the summer, I’m already tired of G.I. Transforminator.
HEMO2031: Just wait until the year 2017, when you’re reviewing G.I. Transforminator 29: Rise Again of the Machines Again.
HOMO: Please, AIDS, take me now?
Share the Blog. Not the Virus. Hemo2Homo Connection: Wolverine
May 11, 2009
The X-Men Origins: WOLVERINE Review
Hemo: Hey Homo, everyone’s all like, “Have you seen Star Trek? Have you? Huh?” It’s a recession, and I’m still counting my dollars trying to figure out if I’m going to see the Wolverine movie…
Homo: I’ve never been so disappointed in a movie in my life.
Hemo: See? Good thing I didn’t rush out to see Star Trek…
Homo: No, I’m talking about Wolverine. You know, positoid, that I am a lifelong X-Men fan. Growing up, they were the superhero gays that I couldn’t be. I even put this into a song in The Big Voice. The first two X-Men movies were so good, especially the second one, because the filmmaker knew what most comic readers know: It ain’t about the action. It’s about the characters.
Hemo: Yes! That’s why Watchmen was so good.
Homo: Exactly. Your mutant abilities are finally forming, Hemo. But in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, they manage to take all the mystery out of Wolverine, reducing him to a whiny little bitch, running around afraid of his big, bad older brother…
Hemo: Maybe in part two of Origins they reveal that Wolverine was born a Thinblood? It’s scary being a little brother with a bleeding disorder, knowing that at any time your big bro can erase you from existence.
Homo: That’s how it is for all little brothers. In this, he’s trying so hard to be a nice guy: THAT IS NOT WOLVERINE. That’s a whiny little bitch who hates being all mean and stuff. Where’s the fun? Where are the wisecracks? WHERE IS WOLVERINE??
So, having drained all the blood out of Wolverine, we’re treated to a movie that looks like it was made from stock footage from other “action movies” with Hugh Jackman’s face painted on the “hero.”
Tacky, dull, stodgy.
Not only that, but it’s the kind of movie where you are saying the cliched lines of dialogue along with the actors on the screen because there’s not a single original thought being expressed. And, but, for an origin story, we don’t really learn anything about what drives him. There’s a generic falling in love story. Bad guys kill the girl / must get revenge plot. But you don’t really know the girl and you don’t really fall in love with their relationship.
Have I mentioned how angry this makes me?
Hemo: Not to my knowledge.
Homo: Wolverine is a great character. It’s not right for him to be the SECOND BADDEST GUY in the story. And who’s the bigger, badder guy? My most unfavorite character in the Marvel Universe whose “power” is that his fingernails grow really long. I saw that on RuPaul’s Drag Race. I don’t need it in a super not-quite-villain whose motivations are also fuzzier than a homeless man’s belly button.
Shall I tell you how much I loathed this movie, Hemo?
Hemo: Be like the old Wolverine, don’t pull any punches!
Homo: I walked out during the end credits. Not because of low t-cells or anything- I just didn’t care about the extra scene.
Hemo: Sounds like this film should be sent off on the Starship Enterprise, to be reviewed in a future not so far away by the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 guys. Thanks for saving me some money, sorry your heroes let you down.
—————————————
Wanna know a hero who never let Steve of the Hemo2Homo Connection down? Dom DeLuise. This review is dedicated to the actor’s memory, who passed this month at the age of 75.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
“Jim and I are heartbroken. Dom was one of the nicest persons to me.
When we met, I think I was very ill at the time. We were invited to a
family picnic. I was just treated like one of the family. As he became
increasingly immobile, we would see Carol, but never Dom. He was a genuinely hilarious comedian.”
- Steve Schalchlin
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Hemo2Homo Connection: The Knowing Review
March 25, 2009
Hemo: Pesky little cold. Sorry I couldn’t make it to a movie this weekend. But I did make this killer movie poster…
Homo: Nice work!
And that’s OK- I’ll entertain you by telling you about what I saw. Nic Cage’s deliciously bad new movie might be as bad as the last M. Night movie. In fact, I’m going to tell you the entire movie so that I can save you those two and a half hours of your precious life.
Hemo: Please, I just have a cold. Enough friends already thinking I’m dying of AIDS here… It’s just a cold, dammit!
Homo: … or is it?
Hemo: Seriously, you were saying something about a movie? Nic Cage- let me guess, he has a peculiar expression on his face throughout most of the film?
Hemo: … I just got a little bit hard.
Homo: Not that kind of shrieking, thinblood. This shrieking isn’t for any good reason; it’s a generic “helpless
female” role designed to make Nic Cage look even more butch than he
already thinks he is — and boy does he get butch as an astrophysicist.
Hemo: Wasn’t he one of those in that last thing he did? International Treasurer? He hasn’t branched out since Valley Girl, my fave Cage flick of all time.
Homo: National Treasure, bleeder. But Nic’s really tough in this one. He hits a tree with a baseball bat to keep a roving pack of
Gothic Sting lookalikes away from his kid.
Hemo: Makes sense- gothic kids hate baseball.
Homo: As excruciating as it was, its basic concept and execution are so far off the edge of kookoo that I’m starting to like it in retrospect. Before I go any further… CAUTION TO READERS: I will reveal everything about this movie. Do not read this if you don’t want to know the plot and/or ending of this movie.
Hemo: They already stopped reading. So tell me more about the goth kids- you know I have a small goth following?
Homo: They’re just waiting for you to die. In this movie, these skinny, black-clad male models mysteriously hang out in the woods. They turn out to be aliens on a gay planet filled with Sting look-alikes. I think I rented that once already, only it was in one of those dark book stores your mama warns you about and it cost 25 cents per minute.
Hemo: The true sign of being old is having ever paid for porn.
Homo: Nic Cage is getting up there. But he retains his youth by jumping onto a speeding subway and protecting a woman from getting crushed in a big CGI crash sequence by just crouching over her. I guess this was to protest the fact that he didn’t get to play Superman?
Hemo: Why did you see this thing? I was unknowing of Knowing; never heard a thing about it.
Homo: I never miss a macho physicist movie. The plot, such as it is, is about the End of All There Is. There’s a page of numbers, which turn out to contain Big Spooky Movie Secrets that have Hidden Mysterious Meanings.
Hemo: *sleeping*
Homo: Oh, dear. And I haven’t even gotten to the stupid parts. It has one of the most asinine out of left field endings ever, complete with little kids holding bunny rabbits for some inexplicable reason… Hemo? You know what? I’ll spare you all the ending. You might be up late some night and if nothing else is on…
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The creators met online in 1996, and
posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV
for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones
for longer than that.
Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Share the Blog. Not the Virus.
Hemo2Homo Connection: The Watchmen Review
March 8, 2009
HEMO2HOMO REVIEWS WATCHMEN
Hemo: What wasn’t funny was the one thing that almost ruined this movie for me: straight dudes. Anytime a penis appeared onscreen, a few groups of twenty-something “straight guys” felt the need to audibly gasp or giggle.
Homo: I did think that for a CGI penis, Dr. Manhattan’s naughty bit did seem to have a little life in it. Oddly, though, it also seemed perfectly natural — like seeing a big blue Greek statue. This is a character who has more or less risen beyond his humanity, so little things like blue dangly bits don’t really factor into his universe of awareness.
Hemo: If I had Dr. Manhattan’s powers, my blue penis would have been the size of Manhattan. Hey, didn’t you think he was the “positoid” of the movie? Society made him feel so bad about the risk of spreading his “cancer”, that he isolates himself emotionally.
Homo: But can you be a positoid if you have no blood?
Hemo: You’re tripping me out. Hey, did your partner in crime (crime being life), Jim, see this one with you?
Hemo: Badass!
Homo: Jim saw the movie and it passed his “butt test.” And he HATES long ones…
Hemo: That’s why he’s with you.
Homo: Long movies, bleeder… anyway, Jim is not a geek like me, and he said this almost three-hour movie came and went before he realized it was over. So, he was completely engrossed. Did Gwenn see it with you?
Hemo: No, this trip to the movies was a sausage fest. And I’m with Jim- I get lost in long movies, too. People assume AIDS is the worst thing that ever happened to me, but that’s not true… it was having to sit through a long movie.
Homo: Which one?
Hemo: Meet Joe Black- part of me never left that theater back in ‘98. I thought The Dark KnightThe Dark Knight was underserved by extending the movie by twenty minutes.
Hemo: I thought his name was Horshack?
Homo: Honestly. Two lame jokes in one review? Rorschach is insane and enjoys inflicting pain, but unlike Horshack, who does it with his whiny voice, Rorschach has a raspy nihilistic tone. And unlike The Joker, he is a moralist. So, the torture only goes to those he believes deserves it.
Hemo: The blood in this film surprised me as a hemophiliac. Not since Sweeney Todd have I enjoyed such grand cinematic plasma fix!
Hemo: (somberly) You know, I’d like to think that- if I had more clotting factor- I could put together a suit and go out and fight crime…
Homo: Please let me dwell for a moment on what your costume would look like. I know! Paint your pee pee red and go naked! (It’s the homo in me. I had to go there.) But seriously, as fellow positoids, we are bound together by our blood and purpose so that others aren’t afraid of our kind. I saw Watchmen as a symbol of our abiding friendship as competitive good guys making things right in the world.
Hemo: … so, am I a super hero?
Homo: Yes, but the only thing you bomb people with is your jokes.
A warning to our readers: Watchmen is a violent, complex, adult drama. It is not a “Let’s get together and fight the bad guy” kind of movie, though they describe, in the film, that that’s how super heroes in costumes started — cops dressing up in reaction to bad guys dressing up like gangs.
Hemo: I also enjoyed the dark tone of the movie, how the lines were constantly being blurred. It’s like watching the Today show, you don’t know who the bad guy is, or if there even is one.
Homo: It plays like a novel. Dense, intelligent and captivating. In fact I went to see it a second time and liked it even more. There’s so much in this movie, you can’t get it all the first time.
Hemo: Kind of like a Hemo2Homo Connection review, right?
Homo: Only if someone reads my parts.
Hemo: Yeah, yeah. Enjoy your insults while you can, thickblood. I’m off to go work on that red pee pee suit. There are bigger things out there in the world for me to do than review movies. You haven’t seen the last of me, Rorschachlin! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Is this the end of the Hemo2Homo Connection? Will Shawn return as a masked avenger, and try to take over the Hemo2Homo Connection once and for all? Tune in next time to find out!
————————————-
Steve’s addendum: Since I really liked this movie so much, I’d like to publish some additional thoughts after having seen it again. The best review I’ve read of “Watchmen” –the one I most agree with — is here written by Andrew O’Hehir. To tell you the truth, I’m a little peeved at the negative tone of many of the reviews, dismissing this intelligent, thoughtful and complexly difficult film outright as if it were a piece of fluff. That’s just too easy. For one thing, you have Alan Moore’s full permission. (He’s the rebellious author of the source material, a comic series now available as a graphic novel, who has refused all royalties or even allow his name on the credits). And for another, no one can convert a great work into another great work. One will always be a pale imitation of the other.
More links: Alan Moore, who created and wrote the original Watchmen, talks extensively about the role of super heroes and comic books in this stimulating and tough interview. It’s well worth reading.
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV
for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that.
Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Coming Attraction…
March 6, 2009
“You know, Steve, when you told me you wanted to review Watch Men,
I thought you just wanted to watch a gay porn.” - Hemo (Shawn)
Decker. Schalchlin. Hemo. Homo.
Back together again as the most dynamic movie reviewing duo living with AIDS. Witness their dramatic return to this blog on Monday, and go see the movie so you know what the hell they are talking about.
And. most importantly, don’t forget to dare to believe again!
15 years of AIDS at the Oscars
February 26, 2009
There’s a great article on Poz.com, written by the talented Mr. Bob Ickes. It examines AIDS impact at the Oscars. Check it out!
Also, in my post-Oscar wrap blog, I mentioned that Heath Ledger wasn’t in this year’s “Death Montage” segment. That’s because he was there last year, since he passed in January of 2008.
Ooopsily Yours,
Shawn
Oscar Results
February 23, 2009
FAIL.
The Hemo2Homo Connection couldn’t have been more wrong in their predictions. Steve called it for Best Actor with Sean Penn, and the winner even gave the Connection a shout out from stage, saying “Homo” in his acceptance speech. Don’t believe me? Check it out at the :50 mark:
OK, maybe he wasn’t thinking about us in that moment.
If I’d been correct, I would have taken the high road and complimented my movie review partner for his spirited-yet-failed prediction. But Steve? Well, here’s the title of his blog post today: “Homo Wins! Hemo Walks Away in Disgrace.”
Steve also got the Best Supporting Actor award right with his brave choice of Heath Ledger. Who could have seen that one coming? What was strange was that the Academy left Heath off of the “Death Montage”, where they show a pic of everyone the film community has lost in the last year. This year, Queen Latifah sang during this part of the show. Since Heath’s family had already accepted his Best Supporting award, the Academy must have figured that everyone knew.
I really thought Marisa Tomei would win for Best Supporting Actress, but I’d totally forgotten that Penelope Cruz was in the running. And that she’d kissed Scarlett Johansson in that movie she was in. I really let down the straight movie-going public with that oversight and missed prediction. I promise this will not happen again.
Now, it’s off to find a theatre that is still playing Milk, a movie I’ve really wanted to see. Sadly, it left my town way too soon.
By the way, did anyone see Adrian Brody last night?
February 22, 2009 STEVE SAYS: The Oscars! The gayest event of the entertainment season featuring five movies no one in America actually saw all competing to win a prize so that their DVD sales will escalate (since none of the films ever played in any actual theaters where “the public” — that great unwashed mass of Paul Blart lovers — resides.) BEST ACTRESS: Kate Winslet. It takes great skill to play the stupidest woman who ever lived. (More on that later). BEST MOVIE: That’s stupid, Shawn. But not as dumb as THE READER. I hated this movie. OK, I am back now. Thanks for pitching in Steve, we’ll see how it goes tonight. Good luck to you… you’re going to need it!
One movie I won’t be missing is the biopic of Snoop Dogg, starring Brody as the rapper. Thanks to my friend Lauren for noticing the resemblance. As for Brody, he can thank my pick for Best Supporting Actor, Robert Downey Jr., for the courage to seek out and fight for the role of Snoop.
Positively Yours,
ShawnHemo2Homo… Oscar Special!
Tonight is the Oscars. It’s always a chance for me and Steve- The Hemo2Homo Connection- to match wits and predict winners. I’ll post the results tomorrow and will try not to gloat too much when I win. Oh, and I forgot to wear my suit to this blog entry, so I’m going to turn this one over to my wiser movie-going counterpart…Steve, take it away!
BEST ACTOR: Sean Penn. No actor has ever so completely captured a real figure. Ever.
(SHAWN SAYS: “No way- Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler! It’s still real to me, dammit!”)
SUPPORTING ACTOR: Heath Ledger. No actor has ever so completely captured Dick Cheney’s persona. Ever. And, amazingly, though both are dead, one manages to crawl out of the grave and appear on Fox News every once in awhile.
(SHAWN SAYS: “Robert Downey Jr. takes it running away. He’s been legally dead seven or eight times, that’s more than Heath and Cheney combined!”)
(SHAWN SAYS: “Marisa Tomei!”)
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: I’m voting for Marisa Tomei because I know she’s in this category, not the Best Actress one, unlike Thinblood. I’m also going with Tomei because of the way she stomped her foot in that movie where Herman Munster was the judge. Yes, yes, I know that performance was a different year and she already won for that movie, but I don’t care.
(SHAWN SAYS: “Give her all the awards! The best stripping performance since Showgirls!”)
MILK. MILK. MILK. MILK. And yeah, I know Slumdog is supposed to win, and I loved Slumdog even though it was a purely sentimental piece of impossibility, but then, that’s what movies are all about.
(SHAWN SAYS: “Slumdog won’t win. They would have won if the movie had centered around the gameshow The Price Is Right- a classic. Not the dated Millionaire show. Can you imagine a high stakes ending that involves Plinko?”)
Warning: Steve Spoiler Ahead!
You see, The Reader is fictional account of the stupidest woman on earth. It starts off where she (statutory) rapes a willing 15 year old naked boy (uncut!). But it’s okay because she’s a sympathetic Nazi prison guard who we’re
supposed to feel sorry for even though she was personally responsible for watching and facilitating the deaths of hundreds or thousands of human beings. Why?
Because, boo hoo, she can’t read.
So the other mean Nazi guards let her take the rap for an incident where hundreds of
Jews died in a church fire, even though she was guilty anyway. And yes, that’s the actual plot. And that piece of crap was nominated for Best Picture. Be thankful it never showed in your town, Hemo.
And the best thing you’ve ever done is turn your blog over to me, by the way.
(SHAWN SAYS: “This was a bad idea, and why am I in parenthesis? Any final statements, Steve?”)
The Dark Knight got ripped off. So did every real film lover.
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Positively Yours,
Shawn
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