A Weekend of “RedempShawn”
June 27, 2009
It’s been a full week since I got sick. Have I been to the doctor? No, but don’t worry, this isn’t a Perez Hilton situation. “God, I’m bleeding! I should call the police!” I have a viral infection, not bacterial, which means the only thing I’d get at the hospital would be a bill. (Contacted doc via email, he concurred on my viral suspicions.)
My friends get worried when I go down for the count like this. But I just got labs done, and all my numbers are great. T-cells are steady in the high 500’s, VL is detectable but under 48 copies. It’s just a bug. The real tragedy here is that I missed going to Roanoke for Gwenn and I’s annual Miss Virginia trip. We’ve been there every year since 1999, when I made it there to see Gwenn compete despite really being sick with close to 100 t-cells. This year a contestant, Chinah Helmandollar, is doing the comedic monologue similar to the one Gwenn did when she competed in 1999. Gwenn is now officially a pageant legend!
But wait, that’s not to say I haven’t carved out my own niche in the last decade. I hosted a pageant last fall, and judged a pageant where two girls were crowned. If either of them win tonight, I plan on collecting royalties. At the very least, I’ll solicit a discreet donation to Decker’s Daily Coffee. Aside from those contributions to pageantdom, my real mark has been my uncanny ability to predict the top finishers…
Every year, I make a poster that I unveil before preliminary competitions in Roanoke. Since I wasn’t able to be there this week, I emailed it to our pageant buddies. And now, for the first time, unless I’ve already done this and forgot, I am unveiling my prediction here!
(The reference on the poster to last year’s “misstep” is that neither of my two picks in 2008 made the Top 5. Probably the most embarrassing moment of my life.)
But this weekend is all about returning to my rightful glory. Not only are these two ladies going to finish at the top, my 2008 Person of the Year, Mike the Miz, has been getting a lot of heat in the WWE. Tomorrow he is wrestling the company’s biggest star, John Cena, at the Bash, a pay-per-view I am not getting because I am so confidant in a dominant Miz victory.
Nothing will help me get over this cough like a little redemption- er, redempshawn. So go get ‘em, tigers. You, too, can watch the Miss Virginia pageant, live and streaming at 9 PM EST. (The ladies pictured on the poster, by the way, are Caressa Cameron and Caitlin Uze, respectively.)
As the Miz would say, tune in, because it’s going to be AWESOME.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
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See my band play in Charlottesville on July 11!
Today was National HIV Testing Day. Know your status and, positoid or negatoid, be healthy!
Michael Jackson’s History with AIDS
June 26, 2009
I didn’t mean for the title of this blog to be misleading. Michael Jackson did not have AIDS. But I didn’t want to not blog about what everyone will be talking about today. Yes, today I am a follower.
I’ve always been a consumer of pop culture. This is, by far, the biggest loss of a pop star in my lifetime. The only reason why I’m not counting John Lennon is because I was only 5 when he was murdered. In terms of Jackson’s art, I wasn’t a fan of much of anything that wasn’t on Thriller, Jacko’s shining moment. In my eyes, however, one other moment shines much brighter than that album: his stand on compassion for those with AIDS.
In particular, his public support of Ryan White.
I know, *insert boy joke here*. But really, when he and Elton John came forward to pour resources into this fight, they understood how important it was to get the public’s attention and appeal to peoples’ greater sense of good. By choosing to align themselves with Ryan’s own mission to educate and enlighten people on the issues surrounding AIDS, they raised the visibility of the injustice Ryan- and others with HIV- were faced with.
Click to watch the video and hear the song he wrote in tribute to Ryan White. Yes, I admit, it’s cheesy. But hey, I’m trying to focus on my own greater sense of good, and am thankful that he stepped forward at a very scary time in this country’s history, and advocated for the well-being of positoids everywhere.
On a different note, I have to say that “Thriller” is the greatest music video of all-time. He wasn’t kidding when he told the girl in the video that he wasn’t like all the other guys, was he?
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Share the Blog. Not the Virus. (Thanks, Stacia, for the Get Well Coffeeeeeez!)
Bruno’s Balls Out Performance
June 1, 2009
Bruno meets Eminem at the MTV Movie Awards.
The YouTube video may be taken down by the time you read this blog. If so search “Eminem Movie Awards” over and over again until you see the clip from the MTV Movie Awards, a 2-hour promo for the Twilight sequel in which the main actors came across as too cool for school. The highlight was Bruno (Sasha Baron Cohen of Borat fame) descending from the ceiling in an angel-winged get-up. A “mishap” occurs, and he drops down into the 69 position right on top of Eminem.
Who freaks out as his yes men/bodyguards start manhandling Bruno. It reminded of when another one of my favorite comedians, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, pissed off Eminem at the MTV Music Awards several years ago. Em is a classic bully. He can dress up as stars and make fun of them, but if someone pranks him he doesn’t handle it too well.
Yeah, he’s a rapper and a guy’s balls were in his face. But c’mon, it’s the entertainment business. And rappers need to stop pretending they are all straight anyway. They way they oversell that. Really, how many times do you have to say you bang girls - lots of girls- in one song? At first, I thought Eminem was in on it, but after watching it on TiVo several times, I think his entourage would have given it away if they knew it was going to “go down”, so to speak.
As for the Twilight co-stars, they looked a little too cool to be there. I was hoping Bruno and his family jewels would drop down a few more times to liven things up. But what do you expect with vampires? The actors kind of epitomize my issue with the whole genre: that it takes itself way too seriously.
Kind of like Eminem, I guess. I was going to order Twilight on In Demand, now that I’ve finished the vampire book, but now I’m not sure. I might wait for Bruno: The Vampire Slayer to get made, in which teabagging unsuspecting rappers is the new holy water or crucifix defense against bloodsuckers.
I could be waiting a long time. Unless I write that story myself. Hmmmmm…
Positively Yours,
Shawn
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Hemo2Homo Connection: Star Trek
May 18, 2009
The Hemo2Homo Connection is Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin. Just two guys with AIDS who like to review movies.
The creators/stars of the Hemo2Homo Connection met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for much longer than that.
Steve Schalchlin (”Homo”) resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker (”Hemo”) lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
The STAR TREK Review
HEMO: Seen any good movies recently, Hemo?
HEMO2031: Why yes, I have. Star Trek. Did you see it as well, Hemo?
HEMO: I did. And, overall, I enjoyed this film. Star Trek is the best Space AIDS movie since Starship Troopers.
HOMO: Shawn, who the hell are you talking to?
HEMO: I’ll tell you- in the future. For now, just know that I’m tired of being the young, wide-eyed half of this movie duo. You and I have been working together for 10 years now, and you always get to play the part of “Wise Sage Steve”, or “Mr. Movies” as they call you on the streets of Hollywood…
HOMO: No one has ever called me that.
HEMO: Not my point. My point is- I’ve survived over twenty years with HIV. But no matter how much older I get, you age at the same rate!
HOMO: Did you learn that heady stuff from Star Trek? What the hell is HEMO2031?
HEMO: It’s me, 22 years from now. That makes HEMO2031 your current age- 55. He/me is your equal. And I brought him back from the year 2031 to review Star Trek with me.
HOMO: This will be fun to watch.
HEMO2031: Nice to meet you, Steve.
HEMO: I call him “Homo”.
HEMO2031: In the year 2031 calling a gay man “Homo” is a crime that is punishable by death. If you don’t mind, I’ll call Steve “Steve”.
HOMO: He doesn’t mean anything by it, Hemo2031. I call him “Hemo.” Is that okay?
HEMO2031: Sure- but no one will know what you’re talking about in the year 2031, because hemophilia will be cured by then.
HOMO: Ha! Hear that, Hemo? Your kind will be extinct, and my kind will rule the Earth!
HEMO: This isn’t going how I planned. Look, this is all fascinating stuff about the future, really, but can we get back to Star Trek?
HOMO: Did you see the coming attractions? Previews are starting to feel longer than twenty-two years. This time, there was a long live-action version of that puppet film, Team America, complete with a fake Eiffel Tower being destroyed by some guys dressed like Iron Man who fight some multi-colored robots from outer space who are also attacking the Vatican.
It was called G.I. Transforminator.
HEMO: The G.I. Joe guys in those suits look like the NFL robots.
HOMO: Hey, Hemo2031, if you’re from the future, then you’ve already seen this flick. Any good?
HEMO2031: It will be deemed a classic of all time and they’ll pass a law that all movies must be sequels to G.I. Transforminator.
HOMO: With nothing but robots as characters? That will be the end of the AIDS movie as we know them. Will there be a Hemo2Homo Connection in 2031? My God- I’ll be 77. Will I be… alive?
HEMO2031: Yes, and yes. But the Hemo2Homo Connection will only review Michael Bay directed G.I. Transforminator movies from the year 2012 on, when President Jeb Bush signs into Michael Bay Act into law.
HOMO: That sounds like a fate far worse than death to me.
HEMO: … so no more movies about AIDS? We should really cherish Star Trek.
HOMO: You really see this as an AIDS movie? I thought you’d see it as a horror movie! It started right at the beginning with Kirk sitting at a table with Kleenex stuffed up his bloody nose. Then came Kid Spock kicking some other Vulcan kid’s ass… just like they used to beat you up in school just to watch you bleed! Fortunately, Spock’s blood is green and not all AIDS-y like yours.
HEMO: I was too distracted by the green-skinned bimbo to notice the green blood. It wasn’t until Spock’s planet was destroyed that it all clicked for me. “There’s only 10,000 Vulcans remaining,” Spock said. An obvious reference to the 1980’s blood scandal and The Committee of Ten Thousand.
HOMO: So this isn’t just an AIDS movie? It’s a thinblooded AIDS movie? Geesh. Hey, I wonder if they have Vulcan blood clogger-upper or if AIDS can be transmitted into copper-based blood? HEMO2031, any answers?
HEMO: I have a confession to make: I made up the HEMO2031 thing.
HOMO2031: Past me forgives you.
HEMO2031: Past me accepts.
HEMO: I can’t imagine how cranky you’ll be about movies at age 77, Homo. So what did you like most about Star Trek?
HOMO: I loved how the other characters on the bridge who channeled the spirit of the originals–and not just like extras. Each of them showing motivation, strength, innocence and fortitude. Not as much as us, and our ability to survive with AIDS. But close.
HEMO: The cast is great. My only beef with Star Trek was the CGI snow creatures scene, and the hanging on by the fingernails scenes. I hate those kinds of things in any movie, especially in one where you care about the characters. I’d rather have seen young Spock having a private conversation with his lady than watch Kirk narrowly cheat death. Again.
HOMO: Yeah, note to directors out there: The word “cliffhanger” is a metaphor. Still, you gotta give it up for a Hollywood movie with actual characters. They must have hired a gay. It’s the only explanation.
HEMO: It’s the only explanation for not seeing Green Alien Bimbo’s ta-tas.
HOMO: Kirk did look good in his undies in that scene. Maybe his not-so-light saber and her green boobs will be in the extras on the DVD? But Star Trek was just like the Hemo2Homo Connection… it was funny! This movie made me laugh out loud again and again. It felt like the real Star Trek, not like that tired Wolverine farce.
As for the rest of the summer, I’m already tired of G.I. Transforminator.
HEMO2031: Just wait until the year 2017, when you’re reviewing G.I. Transforminator 29: Rise Again of the Machines Again.
HOMO: Please, AIDS, take me now?
Share the Blog. Not the Virus. Hemo2Homo Connection: Wolverine
May 11, 2009
The X-Men Origins: WOLVERINE Review
Hemo: Hey Homo, everyone’s all like, “Have you seen Star Trek? Have you? Huh?” It’s a recession, and I’m still counting my dollars trying to figure out if I’m going to see the Wolverine movie…
Homo: I’ve never been so disappointed in a movie in my life.
Hemo: See? Good thing I didn’t rush out to see Star Trek…
Homo: No, I’m talking about Wolverine. You know, positoid, that I am a lifelong X-Men fan. Growing up, they were the superhero gays that I couldn’t be. I even put this into a song in The Big Voice. The first two X-Men movies were so good, especially the second one, because the filmmaker knew what most comic readers know: It ain’t about the action. It’s about the characters.
Hemo: Yes! That’s why Watchmen was so good.
Homo: Exactly. Your mutant abilities are finally forming, Hemo. But in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, they manage to take all the mystery out of Wolverine, reducing him to a whiny little bitch, running around afraid of his big, bad older brother…
Hemo: Maybe in part two of Origins they reveal that Wolverine was born a Thinblood? It’s scary being a little brother with a bleeding disorder, knowing that at any time your big bro can erase you from existence.
Homo: That’s how it is for all little brothers. In this, he’s trying so hard to be a nice guy: THAT IS NOT WOLVERINE. That’s a whiny little bitch who hates being all mean and stuff. Where’s the fun? Where are the wisecracks? WHERE IS WOLVERINE??
So, having drained all the blood out of Wolverine, we’re treated to a movie that looks like it was made from stock footage from other “action movies” with Hugh Jackman’s face painted on the “hero.”
Tacky, dull, stodgy.
Not only that, but it’s the kind of movie where you are saying the cliched lines of dialogue along with the actors on the screen because there’s not a single original thought being expressed. And, but, for an origin story, we don’t really learn anything about what drives him. There’s a generic falling in love story. Bad guys kill the girl / must get revenge plot. But you don’t really know the girl and you don’t really fall in love with their relationship.
Have I mentioned how angry this makes me?
Hemo: Not to my knowledge.
Homo: Wolverine is a great character. It’s not right for him to be the SECOND BADDEST GUY in the story. And who’s the bigger, badder guy? My most unfavorite character in the Marvel Universe whose “power” is that his fingernails grow really long. I saw that on RuPaul’s Drag Race. I don’t need it in a super not-quite-villain whose motivations are also fuzzier than a homeless man’s belly button.
Shall I tell you how much I loathed this movie, Hemo?
Hemo: Be like the old Wolverine, don’t pull any punches!
Homo: I walked out during the end credits. Not because of low t-cells or anything- I just didn’t care about the extra scene.
Hemo: Sounds like this film should be sent off on the Starship Enterprise, to be reviewed in a future not so far away by the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 guys. Thanks for saving me some money, sorry your heroes let you down.
—————————————
Wanna know a hero who never let Steve of the Hemo2Homo Connection down? Dom DeLuise. This review is dedicated to the actor’s memory, who passed this month at the age of 75.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
“Jim and I are heartbroken. Dom was one of the nicest persons to me.
When we met, I think I was very ill at the time. We were invited to a
family picnic. I was just treated like one of the family. As he became
increasingly immobile, we would see Carol, but never Dom. He was a genuinely hilarious comedian.”
- Steve Schalchlin
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Swine Flu’s Patient Zero?
May 1, 2009
In the HIV epidemic there was “Patient Zero”, a handsome blonde flight attendant who is “credited” for spreading HIV to a large number of people. Well, now that the panic surrounding the Swine Flu has rendered the AIDS epidemic obsolete, I’m proposing a “Patient Zero” theory for this emerging crisis.
This is hard for me to write, because I swore I’d never blog this person’s name. But just yesterday the news broke that two Virginians had tested positive for Swine Flu, and Gwenn came down with a 24-hour bug. She is fine, the Virginians have already been treated and are totally fine, too… but the clock is ticking.
And I can no longer keep vital information to myself.
The Patient Zero of the Swine Flu pandemic is Spencer Pratt.
I don’t want to know anything about Spencer, I don’t watch his show, I don’t even watch his co-star/girlfriend’s attempts to make it in the music industry. But all the Swine signs point to fame-hungry Spencer. And here’s the indisputable evidence that proves Spencer is the new Patient Zero.
- November 2008- Spencer Pratt goes to Mexico to fake marry Heidi.
- FACT- Like HIV’s Patient Zero, Spencer is blonde.
- April 2009 - Spencer and Heidi get married for real… why the rush?
- FACT- During their honeymoon, “Speidi” were quarantined.
There you have it. This is all his fault. Authorities have already allowed Spencer back into the country- we need to get him out, before it’s too late. So, if you care about your statesfolk the way I do, please let friends and loved ones know that they need to stay away from Spencer Pratt. Forward this to your local representative and demand action.
Of course, if you don’t want to give this douche anymore coverage, I respect that. If Swine Flu takes us all down, we can take comfort in knowing that we no longer have to see Spencer and, as the Soup puts it, his “creepy flesh-colored beard.”
Or, as I call her, Heidi.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
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Interview with the Werewolf: Andy Deane
April 26, 2009
Check out my interview with Andy Deane, we discuss his debut book, The Sticks: Could a werewolf eat a positoid and survive the meal?. Find out!
New Depeche Mode Album, Old Synthetic Division Tale
April 21, 2009
Today, Depeche Mode’s new album, Sounds of the Universe, comes out. As many know, they are my favorite band, and I got to meet them at 14 through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, the highlight of my existence until I got laid.
Today’s date is a triumph for the band, but the date of April 21st conjures up bad memories in my own musicial career as Synthetic Division…
Eight years ago to the day, local, conquering legends, The Dave Matthews Band, were returning to town to play UVA’s football’s home, Scott Stadium. I
was starting to get some momentum as a one-piece synth act in
Charlottesville, and figured it was time for a big move, something that
would really get folks talking. I booked a show at the Tokyo Rose’s “The Dawning” Goth night, a 150-or-so person capacity room.
Then I made up these flyers, which were posted around town.
This flyer was REALLY postedi n Charlottesville, VA, likely to the horror of the public.
Things were looking good for the upset, but Matthews has people in town. The word must have gotten back to them because at the last minute, Neil Young was brought in to open for DMB, outdrawing me by about 49,850 people. Without Young tapping into my fanbase, who knows what would have happened on April 21, 2001?
Their spot secured, Dave Matthews and his band left town victorious. All I was left with was a Purple Heart Award in the C’ville Weekly’s post-Dave show coverage. I wanted the cover and one word: TRIUMPH.
This past weekend, DMB returned to play two shows, picking at the unhealed, bloody scab of a hemophiliac trying to clot. Trying to forget what could have been. As I look back at that ill-fated Battle of the Bands, my old buddies in the Mode are here once again, just like they were in those early teen years when I discovered them.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
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Pageants and Wrestlemania
April 10, 2009
After the DC trip last week I judged a pageant, in which not
one but two girls were crowned. It was the last preliminary before
Miss Virginia, and contestants had to have been a runner-up in a
previous pageant to qualify.
High stakes!
As a thinblooded judge, the baton twirling during talent made me nervous. But she nailed it, and ended up taking one of the crowns. I asked another contestant with ties to Miami if she’d watched Pedro on MTV, since he’s from there. She had not. “I highly recommend it!” I said, knowing I’d have been remiss had I not
ended Pedro Zamora Appreciation Week without plugging the movie one more time.
Having done my civic duty as a pageant judge, I kicked back on Sunday with my dad and buddy, Zach, and watched the ultimate in pageantry- Wrestlemania 25! The first Wrestlemania I ever saw was the third, back in 1987 about a month or so before I tested positive. Hulk Hogan slammed Andre the Giant, but Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat stole the show in his match with Randy “Macho Man” Savage.
Wrestlemania 3 is one of my last memories of life as a negatoid. Even though- of course- I was positive at the time, and had encountered some health problems… but, when I was watching Wrestlemania 3, I was doing so through the eyes of someone who had little sense of their own mortality. Basically, through the eyes of what I was- an 11 year old.
So, I guess this begs the question- why am I still watching wrestling now?
Because it’s awesome! Especially Wrestlemania. And especially watching it with my dad, who spends most of the time making fun of the commentators. Wrestlemania 25 also showcased the comeback of “The Dragon”, wrestling for the first time in about
15 years. And he stole the show again! And, I must say, watching Wrestlemania through the eyes of a positoid, who has lived for a long time with a healthy respect for his own mortality, is just as enjoyable as it was back in 1987.
If not more so.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
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Sean Strub, Cable Positive and OMG Rachel Maddow
April 7, 2009
Back in November, I wrote about how President Obama should appoint Poz founder, Sean Strub, as the new White House AIDS Czar because an intelligent and thoughtful positoid in that position would be incredible.
Well, the administration didn’t follow my advice, and Cable Positive has taken advantage and snatched up Sean Strub as their new CEO. So what is Cable Positive?
They are an organization that keeps HIV/AIDS awareness on the airwaves, and have been doing so since 1992 when many in the cable industry noticed the impact of what AIDS was doing to their colleagues and friends. Realizing the potential they had to raise awareness via programming and PSAs, Cable Positive sprung into action. Learn more at their website.
Reducing stigma for those already infected is also a goal for Cable Positive, which makes Sean a natural pick. When I found out he was being unveiled in DC at the Cable Show ‘09 conference, I journeyed to the event. Heavyhitters such as Larry Flynt strolled by in a gold-plated wheelchair and guys in Storm Trooper costumes told (commanded at gun point?) me to write about the new animated Star Wars show on my Facebook page.
Rumor had it that Batista from the WWE was there, too.
But the real heavyweight was Rachel Maddow, who was emcee’ing the Power Awards at the Cable Positive booth. Here’s a clip of Rachel at the conference, speaking about how HIV/AIDS has influenced her life, starting at the 3 minute mark.
Yes, I dig the glasses. No, I didn’t record this myself.
Gwenn and I have been fans of Rachel’s ever since seeing her on Al Franken’s Air America show years ago. The big thrill, of course, was being there to support the guy who basically started my writing career by giving my Positoid column a greenlight back in 1997. Meeting Rachel? That was just an added opportunity to make an ass of myself by fawning over her…
So imagine my shock when- as Sean was introducing us- Rachel said she knew who I was?
“I’ve been reading about your love life for years!”
I wasn’t prepared to be humble. Not in any way. And throwing the inner-switch from Fawning Jackass to Humble Writer/Educator was a seven notch swing, but I managed to perform the task with as much grace and poise as I could muster.
“Yer on TV!” I shouted, all buck-toothed and pointing. (Okay, that didn’t happen, thankfully.)
As mutual fawning ensued, Sean Strub proudly smiled on as I was once again reminded of just how small the HIV/AIDS universe is. Not since I slept in Sean Sasser’s pajamas had I been shown such an obvious example of that. And Rachel’s own involvement in raising awareness about HIV/AIDS isn’t surprising- one of the reasons why I like her work so much is because she is very open-minded and compassionate.
Just like the new CEO of Cable Positive.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
PS… hats off to Larry Flynt for stopping by the Cable Positive booth and shooting a PSA for HIV/AIDS awareness. He’s got a gold heart to match those gold wheels. Once “Larry the Cable Positive Guy” is on YouTube, I’ll post it on the blog.
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