(b)Lab Results and Killer Books
November 20, 2009
A couple of weeks ago I went in for my every-four month labs to see what’s cookin’ with my pet virus. Good news: my t-cells are 511 (28%) and the viral load was less than 48 copies, which is near nothing. That’s pretty much the same as they were in June, and have been in the ballpark for the last couple of years.
As has been chronicled, I do a week on HIV meds, followed by a week off. These labs were taken after 6 days off meds. With the success I’ve had keeping my numbers stable, I broached the topic of trying one week on, two weeks off meds.. but Dr. Greg wasn’t too keen on it, thinking that two weeks would be too much time for the virus to cause trouble. He said he wasn’t too worried about the short-term effects, but was thinking that down the line it could present other problems in my body.
I relented quickly, because I respect my doctor for going along with the plan that has worked like a charm. And he’s the one who reads every boring article that comes out about the intricacies of this virus.
My reason for wanting a longer break has been absent-mindedness and lethargy. Recent articles on how HIV can affect the brain and memory haven’t set me at ease, either. I don’t write much about my worries about living with HIV, but I can say that losing my wits is right up there at the top. And it’s especially frustrating on the days when things just aren’t clicking in the old nugget; like when I wake up feeling exhausted instead of rested or, in the middle of a shower, I wonder if I’ve already washed my hair or not.
This tends to happen after a couple of days on meds. But I do wonder whether I pin everything on the medications, because laying blame on the virus is too damn scary a thought.
If I haven’t been blogging much, it’s because because my terd brain is liking the Twitter format: in and out, done in less than 140 characters. I’ve been working on my second book. Printing it out and realizing it wasn’t quite up to par has made me doubt myself and my ability to focus and tell a story that’s 70,000 words as well, another reason why the two weeks off fantasy materialized. Also, 70,000 words is a substantial amount of characters… way more than Twitter allows. If I don’t get the book where I want it, maybe I’ll just release the damn thing for free on Twitter as a 500-part series?
The inner battle to continue my writing career has been fueled by the literary (sales) success of Carrie Prejean and Sarah Palin, both of whom outsold my cult classic memoir, My Pet Virus, in a matter of minutes. Palin’s book even offed Rachel Maddow, one of my favorite TV politicos.
See, I plan to outsell both Prejean and Palin together, but it’s going to take a lot of books to do it… and that’s why I’m sticking with one week on, one week off meds schedule that has worked for me. Writing isn’t fruitful at the moment, so I’m setting the book aside until the new year. There’s World AIDS Day/Week to focus on, which is taking me and Gwenn to five different states in five days. And then there’s the holidays soon after.. but when the dust settles, I will write again.
In the meantime, I will sleep with one eye open, looking out for that damn Going Rogue book of Palin’s. If you want to live to see 2010, I’d suggest that you do the same.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Shawn on: ![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
ShawnandGwenn.com Shawn’s Poz columns Shawn’s book Decker’s Daily Coffee
![]()
Share the Blog. Not the Virus.
Veteran’s Day: The Truth About Gays in the Military?
November 11, 2009
The Onion has done it again. They’ve peeled back the rhetoric to examine- in a comedic manner- why there is a ban on gays in the military. Perhaps it’s love for, and not fear of, gays that is the culprit?
Allow the fake general to explain.
Happy Veteran’s Day. Here’s to a future veteran’s day that honors all who serve our country proudly, regardless of sexual orientation. Let everyone fight for me, because thinbloods will be the last ones allowed out on the combat fields… I ain’t complainin’, I’m more cut out for Mortal Kombat than actual combat.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Shawn on: ![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
ShawnandGwenn.com Shawn’s Poz columns Shawn’s book Decker’s Daily Coffee
![]()
Share the Blog. Not the Virus.
The Breakfast Club Game
August 7, 2009
The passing of John Hughes is my Michael Jackson moment. In my opinion, three weeks of full-on news coverage of his death would be appropriate. I want to see Long Duk Dong on CNN explaining how Mr. Hughes brought attention to the slave trade/foreign exchange student situation of the 1980’s, the true agenda of the movie Sixteen Candles.
That’s my favorite of all of his work. Just watched it last night. Aside from a couple of uses of the word “fag” and “faggot” as insults, the movie is perfection. What I like most about his work is that he championed the misfit, and really made it clear that everyone feels the isolation that is usually only acknowledged/accepted in the teenage years of our existence.
I was pretty young when Hughes unleashed the Holy Trinity of the 80’s (Sixteen Candles, Pretty In Pink and The Breakfast Club, respectively), but it still resonated with me and my friends. We wanted to be John Bender from the Club so badly that we invented a neighborhood game based on the movie. If you want to play in tribute of Hughes, here’s how:
- find the friend with the biggest house
- use front porch as the library/detention
- to avoid arguments, randomly draw characters from a hat (geek, jock, criminal, principal, whatever Ally Sheedy was)
- you can only use movie quotes that involve cursing
The Principal just walks around the house aimlessly, while the others “sneak out” from the porch from time to time. It was really fun when I was 10. I bet the game holds up today. Post a Comment if you play with friends. Bonus points if you videotape it and upload to YouTube.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, I remember seeing that in the theater with friends. The movie came out about a year before I was diagnosed with HIV, and it must have influenced me to use my HIV status as a reason to stay home from school. Thank you, John Hughes, for that. Of course, I drew the line at stealing a friend’s dad’s car. But only because I was 12.
The “Save Ferris” campaign in the movie still cracks me up. I could have made so much lunch money if I’d been out about my status in junior high school.
It’s tough to make teen movies that stand the test of time, but John Hughes managed to pull it off. At 34 I enjoy them just as much- if not more so- than I did on first viewing. Sure, he made some crappy movies, but that was intentional- Hughes just wanted to show he was human. I was saddened by the news of his passing because of my sentimental connection to his work, but was happy to read that he’d spent the better part of the last decade with his family.
He took Ferris’ advice about life moving pretty fast, and slowed down to take a look around.
Good for him.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
ShawnandGwenn.com Read Shawn’s columns Buy Shawn’s book Shawn Enjoying Coffee
Dear Dave: Well Wishes From Make-A-Wisher
July 17, 2009
The storied history of my Make-A-Wish Foundation encounter with Depeche Mode at age 14 has been well documented on this blog, yet the picture is too cool not to post every time I reference this proud moment in my life.
That’s me in the white hat- you can’t see it, but it says “Surfin’ USA” on it. Yes, I regret wearing it to meet the Beatles of electronic music.

This meeting was in 1990. By the mid-90’s, lead singer Dave Gahan was battling a massive drug problem, and it looked like I was in danger of outliving my wishee. Since then, I’ve gotten more comfortable with the prospect of outliving Dave, figuring we’ll both kick the bucket from natural causes after living fruitful, happy lives. Another thing I’ve figured is that, every three or four years, Depeche Mode will be touring, and I’ll get to go see them.
On their most recent tour, however, Dave has had some health issues. Nothing drug related- he’s been clean for years now-, just a bombardment of malfunctions that included a bladder tumor and, more, recently a torn calve muscle. Needless to say, it’s been a rough tour cycle for the Depeche Mode frontman.
So it is with much sincerity that I wish Dave a speedy recovery. He was very kind in 1990, and very kind again in 2001 when I was able to get that original photo signed. From a Make-A-Wish kid, I’m sending positive healing vibes your way.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Hemo2Homo Connection: Bruno
July 14, 2009

BRUNO REVIEW
HOMO: I know why you wanted to see this. Big homosexual terrorizes the public at large! It’s because you thought it was a horror film — “Saw” for straight men.
HEMO: Actually I thought Bruno was the a wrestling biopic for Bruno Sammartino. When I found out it wasn’t, I decided not to go.
HOMO: You flaked on me again?
HEMO: I was totally busy this past weekend, playing an HIV benefit with my synthpop trio. MAC artists were there, and they totally made me up in guyliner, check it out.
HOMO: Mmmmm, hmmmm… say, what band did you meet through the Make-A-Wish Foundation back in 1990? Was that Guns N’ Roses? Motley Crue? Bananarama?
HEMO: No, Depeche Mode. What are you getting at?
HOMO: Well, I don’t want to say you look a little gay or anything, but not even Bruno wore that much eyeliner…
When I first heard that there would be this insane movie about a totally exaggerated, offensive gay stereotype running around scaring straight people, I was waiting for the scene where he asks Carrie Prejean about gay marriage and then calls her names in an insane rant equal only to “Leave Britney alone.”
HEMO: Leave Hemo alone!
HOMO: But it wasn’t Perez Hilton they were talking about- it was that fake Austrian oversexed sissy who once asked a skinhead, “Are there any of you who aren’t gay?”
HEMO: Not even Bruno Sammartino would say that to a skinhead.
HOMO: I thought, “What could Bruno do that’s worse than Perez, a guy who makes Ross the Intern look like Johnny Carson?”
HEMO: Wait- did the Latoya Jackson scene make it in? He asked her to talk like Michael because that way he could say he interviewed the legend.
HOMO: NO! See what I mean? This is Bruno Lite. They took that scene out. It doesn’t matter. After seeing the film, I realized that it has the same plot as the Kathy Griffin Show, trying to get famous every week, except Life on the D List is much, MUCH gayer.
HEMO: That’s one of my favorites. On the most recent episode, she went off on Reagan for not saying “AIDS” for so long after someone gave her a jelly bean.
HOMO: See, she’s a lot funnier than Bruno, who’s a bit of a hum ho. I mean if you’re gonna do shock comedy, does anyone really think that Bruno is even REMOTELY as outrageous as Divine…
HEMO: What does that hooker that Hugh Grant banged a decade ago have to do with this?
HOMO: Okay, maybe you’re not gay, thinblood. John Waters’ Divine, who picked up a piece of dog crap and ate it, and who had a character who chained lesbians in a basement so she could sell the babies.
My biggest problem with Bruno is that very few of the people they ridicule are showing homophobia. Most of them are just reacting to someone putting a dildo in their face in public, or someone would trade a baby for an iPod. You don’t have to be homophobic to hate that. I don’t know who he’s skewering.
Or does it matter?
HEMO: It matters. I would have been there on opening night if his MTV Movie Awards show stunt with Eminem wasn’t totally staged. I mean, it makes sense to drop your balls in a rapper’s face unexpectedly, right? Em was great, acting offended, but he and MTV were in on the whole thing.
Which means that, despite Bruno’s balls being in Eminem’s face, the entire stunt had no real balls to speak of.
HOMO: Exactly. Hell, even the big scene at the end with all the wrestlers going nuts over “a same sex kiss.” Well, no. It wasn’t a kiss. It was a full-on sex scene with a guy who wasn’t that cute. I was just as turned off by it as the so-called redneck haters.
HEMO: So, you think they were rioting because they found out they weren’t starring in Bruno Sammartino?
HOMO: I don’t know. How cute is he? Given how gay wrestling is — big sweaty guys, doing S&M sex for pay — I wouldn’t want to miss that.
HEMO: Here he is.

HOMO: Never mind.
HEMO: So, how do you rate Bruno?
HOMO: Kinda funny, but not as gay, or as edgy, as the Republican Senate.
Steve’s Pick: If you want to see the scariest movie of the year, go see “The Hurt Locker.” It’s only showing in parts of the country, but this is the movie that will have you on the edge of your seat, and should be nominated for best movie Oscar.

The Hemo2Homo Connection is Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin. Just two guys with AIDS who like to review movies.
The creators/stars of the Hemo2Homo Connection met online in 1996, and
posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV
for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones
for much longer than that.
Steve Schalchlin (”Homo”) resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker (”Hemo”) lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
A Weekend of “RedempShawn”
June 27, 2009
It’s been a full week since I got sick. Have I been to the doctor? No, but don’t worry, this isn’t a Perez Hilton situation. “God, I’m bleeding! I should call the police!” I have a viral infection, not bacterial, which means the only thing I’d get at the hospital would be a bill. (Contacted doc via email, he concurred on my viral suspicions.)
My friends get worried when I go down for the count like this. But I just got labs done, and all my numbers are great. T-cells are steady in the high 500’s, VL is detectable but under 48 copies. It’s just a bug. The real tragedy here is that I missed going to Roanoke for Gwenn and I’s annual Miss Virginia trip. We’ve been there every year since 1999, when I made it there to see Gwenn compete despite really being sick with close to 100 t-cells. This year a contestant, Chinah Helmandollar, is doing the comedic monologue similar to the one Gwenn did when she competed in 1999. Gwenn is now officially a pageant legend!
But wait, that’s not to say I haven’t carved out my own niche in the last decade. I hosted a pageant last fall, and judged a pageant where two girls were crowned. If either of them win tonight, I plan on collecting royalties. At the very least, I’ll solicit a discreet donation to Decker’s Daily Coffee. Aside from those contributions to pageantdom, my real mark has been my uncanny ability to predict the top finishers…
Every year, I make a poster that I unveil before preliminary competitions in Roanoke. Since I wasn’t able to be there this week, I emailed it to our pageant buddies. And now, for the first time, unless I’ve already done this and forgot, I am unveiling my prediction here!
(The reference on the poster to last year’s “misstep” is that neither of my two picks in 2008 made the Top 5. Probably the most embarrassing moment of my life.)
But this weekend is all about returning to my rightful glory. Not only are these two ladies going to finish at the top, my 2008 Person of the Year, Mike the Miz, has been getting a lot of heat in the WWE. Tomorrow he is wrestling the company’s biggest star, John Cena, at the Bash, a pay-per-view I am not getting because I am so confidant in a dominant Miz victory.
Nothing will help me get over this cough like a little redemption- er, redempshawn. So go get ‘em, tigers. You, too, can watch the Miss Virginia pageant, live and streaming at 9 PM EST. (The ladies pictured on the poster, by the way, are Caressa Cameron and Caitlin Uze, respectively.)
As the Miz would say, tune in, because it’s going to be AWESOME.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
See my band play in Charlottesville on July 11!
Today was National HIV Testing Day. Know your status and, positoid or negatoid, be healthy!
Michael Jackson’s History with AIDS
June 26, 2009
I didn’t mean for the title of this blog to be misleading. Michael Jackson did not have AIDS. But I didn’t want to not blog about what everyone will be talking about today. Yes, today I am a follower.
I’ve always been a consumer of pop culture. This is, by far, the biggest loss of a pop star in my lifetime. The only reason why I’m not counting John Lennon is because I was only 5 when he was murdered. In terms of Jackson’s art, I wasn’t a fan of much of anything that wasn’t on Thriller, Jacko’s shining moment. In my eyes, however, one other moment shines much brighter than that album: his stand on compassion for those with AIDS.
In particular, his public support of Ryan White.
I know, *insert boy joke here*. But really, when he and Elton John came forward to pour resources into this fight, they understood how important it was to get the public’s attention and appeal to peoples’ greater sense of good. By choosing to align themselves with Ryan’s own mission to educate and enlighten people on the issues surrounding AIDS, they raised the visibility of the injustice Ryan- and others with HIV- were faced with.
Click to watch the video and hear the song he wrote in tribute to Ryan White. Yes, I admit, it’s cheesy. But hey, I’m trying to focus on my own greater sense of good, and am thankful that he stepped forward at a very scary time in this country’s history, and advocated for the well-being of positoids everywhere.
On a different note, I have to say that “Thriller” is the greatest music video of all-time. He wasn’t kidding when he told the girl in the video that he wasn’t like all the other guys, was he?
Positively Yours,
Shawn
(Thanks, Stacia, for the Get Well Coffeeeeeez!)
Bruno’s Balls Out Performance
June 1, 2009
Bruno meets Eminem at the MTV Movie Awards.
The YouTube video may be taken down by the time you read this blog. If so search “Eminem Movie Awards” over and over again until you see the clip from the MTV Movie Awards, a 2-hour promo for the Twilight sequel in which the main actors came across as too cool for school. The highlight was Bruno (Sasha Baron Cohen of Borat fame) descending from the ceiling in an angel-winged get-up. A “mishap” occurs, and he drops down into the 69 position right on top of Eminem.
Who freaks out as his yes men/bodyguards start manhandling Bruno. It reminded of when another one of my favorite comedians, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, pissed off Eminem at the MTV Music Awards several years ago. Em is a classic bully. He can dress up as stars and make fun of them, but if someone pranks him he doesn’t handle it too well.
Yeah, he’s a rapper and a guy’s balls were in his face. But c’mon, it’s the entertainment business. And rappers need to stop pretending they are all straight anyway. They way they oversell that. Really, how many times do you have to say you bang girls - lots of girls- in one song? At first, I thought Eminem was in on it, but after watching it on TiVo several times, I think his entourage would have given it away if they knew it was going to “go down”, so to speak.
As for the Twilight co-stars, they looked a little too cool to be there. I was hoping Bruno and his family jewels would drop down a few more times to liven things up. But what do you expect with vampires? The actors kind of epitomize my issue with the whole genre: that it takes itself way too seriously.
Kind of like Eminem, I guess. I was going to order Twilight on In Demand, now that I’ve finished the vampire book, but now I’m not sure. I might wait for Bruno: The Vampire Slayer to get made, in which teabagging unsuspecting rappers is the new holy water or crucifix defense against bloodsuckers.
I could be waiting a long time. Unless I write that story myself. Hmmmmm…
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Hemo2Homo Connection: Star Trek
May 18, 2009
The Hemo2Homo Connection is Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin. Just two guys with AIDS who like to review movies.
The creators/stars of the Hemo2Homo Connection met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for much longer than that.
Steve Schalchlin (”Homo”) resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker (”Hemo”) lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
The STAR TREK Review
HEMO: Seen any good movies recently, Hemo?
HEMO2031: Why yes, I have. Star Trek. Did you see it as well, Hemo?
HEMO: I did. And, overall, I enjoyed this film. Star Trek is the best Space AIDS movie since Starship Troopers.
HOMO: Shawn, who the hell are you talking to?
HEMO: I’ll tell you- in the future. For now, just know that I’m tired of being the young, wide-eyed half of this movie duo. You and I have been working together for 10 years now, and you always get to play the part of “Wise Sage Steve”, or “Mr. Movies” as they call you on the streets of Hollywood…
HOMO: No one has ever called me that.
HEMO: Not my point. My point is- I’ve survived over twenty years with HIV. But no matter how much older I get, you age at the same rate!
HOMO: Did you learn that heady stuff from Star Trek? What the hell is HEMO2031?
HEMO: It’s me, 22 years from now. That makes HEMO2031 your current age- 55. He/me is your equal. And I brought him back from the year 2031 to review Star Trek with me.
HOMO: This will be fun to watch.
HEMO2031: Nice to meet you, Steve.
HEMO: I call him “Homo”.
HEMO2031: In the year 2031 calling a gay man “Homo” is a crime that is punishable by death. If you don’t mind, I’ll call Steve “Steve”.
HOMO: He doesn’t mean anything by it, Hemo2031. I call him “Hemo.” Is that okay?
HEMO2031: Sure- but no one will know what you’re talking about in the year 2031, because hemophilia will be cured by then.
HOMO: Ha! Hear that, Hemo? Your kind will be extinct, and my kind will rule the Earth!
HEMO: This isn’t going how I planned. Look, this is all fascinating stuff about the future, really, but can we get back to Star Trek?
HOMO: Did you see the coming attractions? Previews are starting to feel longer than twenty-two years. This time, there was a long live-action version of that puppet film, Team America, complete with a fake Eiffel Tower being destroyed by some guys dressed like Iron Man who fight some multi-colored robots from outer space who are also attacking the Vatican.
It was called G.I. Transforminator.
HEMO: The G.I. Joe guys in those suits look like the NFL robots.
HOMO: Hey, Hemo2031, if you’re from the future, then you’ve already seen this flick. Any good?
HEMO2031: It will be deemed a classic of all time and they’ll pass a law that all movies must be sequels to G.I. Transforminator.
HOMO: With nothing but robots as characters? That will be the end of the AIDS movie as we know them. Will there be a Hemo2Homo Connection in 2031? My God- I’ll be 77. Will I be… alive?
HEMO2031: Yes, and yes. But the Hemo2Homo Connection will only review Michael Bay directed G.I. Transforminator movies from the year 2012 on, when President Jeb Bush signs into Michael Bay Act into law.
HOMO: That sounds like a fate far worse than death to me.
HEMO: … so no more movies about AIDS? We should really cherish Star Trek.
HOMO: You really see this as an AIDS movie? I thought you’d see it as a horror movie! It started right at the beginning with Kirk sitting at a table with Kleenex stuffed up his bloody nose. Then came Kid Spock kicking some other Vulcan kid’s ass… just like they used to beat you up in school just to watch you bleed! Fortunately, Spock’s blood is green and not all AIDS-y like yours.
HEMO: I was too distracted by the green-skinned bimbo to notice the green blood. It wasn’t until Spock’s planet was destroyed that it all clicked for me. “There’s only 10,000 Vulcans remaining,” Spock said. An obvious reference to the 1980’s blood scandal and The Committee of Ten Thousand.
HOMO: So this isn’t just an AIDS movie? It’s a thinblooded AIDS movie? Geesh. Hey, I wonder if they have Vulcan blood clogger-upper or if AIDS can be transmitted into copper-based blood? HEMO2031, any answers?
HEMO: I have a confession to make: I made up the HEMO2031 thing.
HOMO2031: Past me forgives you.
HEMO2031: Past me accepts.
HEMO: I can’t imagine how cranky you’ll be about movies at age 77, Homo. So what did you like most about Star Trek?
HOMO: I loved how the other characters on the bridge who channeled the spirit of the originals–and not just like extras. Each of them showing motivation, strength, innocence and fortitude. Not as much as us, and our ability to survive with AIDS. But close.
HEMO: The cast is great. My only beef with Star Trek was the CGI snow creatures scene, and the hanging on by the fingernails scenes. I hate those kinds of things in any movie, especially in one where you care about the characters. I’d rather have seen young Spock having a private conversation with his lady than watch Kirk narrowly cheat death. Again.
HOMO: Yeah, note to directors out there: The word “cliffhanger” is a metaphor. Still, you gotta give it up for a Hollywood movie with actual characters. They must have hired a gay. It’s the only explanation.
HEMO: It’s the only explanation for not seeing Green Alien Bimbo’s ta-tas.
HOMO: Kirk did look good in his undies in that scene. Maybe his not-so-light saber and her green boobs will be in the extras on the DVD? But Star Trek was just like the Hemo2Homo Connection… it was funny! This movie made me laugh out loud again and again. It felt like the real Star Trek, not like that tired Wolverine farce.
As for the rest of the summer, I’m already tired of G.I. Transforminator.
HEMO2031: Just wait until the year 2017, when you’re reviewing G.I. Transforminator 29: Rise Again of the Machines Again.
HOMO: Please, AIDS, take me now?
Hemo2Homo Connection: Wolverine
May 11, 2009

The X-Men Origins: WOLVERINE Review
Hemo: Hey Homo, everyone’s all like, “Have you seen Star Trek? Have you? Huh?” It’s a recession, and I’m still counting my dollars trying to figure out if I’m going to see the Wolverine movie…
Homo: I’ve never been so disappointed in a movie in my life.
Hemo: See? Good thing I didn’t rush out to see Star Trek…
Homo: No, I’m talking about Wolverine. You know, positoid, that I am a lifelong X-Men fan. Growing up, they were the superhero gays that I couldn’t be. I even put this into a song in The Big Voice. The first two X-Men movies were so good, especially the second one, because the filmmaker knew what most comic readers know: It ain’t about the action. It’s about the characters.
Hemo: Yes! That’s why Watchmen was so good.
Homo: Exactly. Your mutant abilities are finally forming, Hemo. But in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, they manage to take all the mystery out of Wolverine, reducing him to a whiny little bitch, running around afraid of his big, bad older brother…
Hemo: Maybe in part two of Origins they reveal that Wolverine was born a Thinblood? It’s scary being a little brother with a bleeding disorder, knowing that at any time your big bro can erase you from existence.
Homo: That’s how it is for all little brothers. In this, he’s trying so hard to be a nice guy: THAT IS NOT WOLVERINE. That’s a whiny little bitch who hates being all mean and stuff. Where’s the fun? Where are the wisecracks? WHERE IS WOLVERINE??
So, having drained all the blood out of Wolverine, we’re treated to a movie that looks like it was made from stock footage from other “action movies” with Hugh Jackman’s face painted on the “hero.”
Tacky, dull, stodgy.
Not only that, but it’s the kind of movie where you are saying the cliched lines of dialogue along with the actors on the screen because there’s not a single original thought being expressed. And, but, for an origin story, we don’t really learn anything about what drives him. There’s a generic falling in love story. Bad guys kill the girl / must get revenge plot. But you don’t really know the girl and you don’t really fall in love with their relationship.
Have I mentioned how angry this makes me?
Hemo: Not to my knowledge.
Homo: Wolverine is a great character. It’s not right for him to be the SECOND BADDEST GUY in the story. And who’s the bigger, badder guy? My most unfavorite character in the Marvel Universe whose “power” is that his fingernails grow really long. I saw that on RuPaul’s Drag Race. I don’t need it in a super not-quite-villain whose motivations are also fuzzier than a homeless man’s belly button.
Shall I tell you how much I loathed this movie, Hemo?
Hemo: Be like the old Wolverine, don’t pull any punches!
Homo: I walked out during the end credits. Not because of low t-cells or anything- I just didn’t care about the extra scene.
Hemo: Sounds like this film should be sent off on the Starship Enterprise, to be reviewed in a future not so far away by the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 guys. Thanks for saving me some money, sorry your heroes let you down.
—————————————
Wanna know a hero who never let Steve of the Hemo2Homo Connection down? Dom DeLuise. This review is dedicated to the actor’s memory, who passed this month at the age of 75.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
“Jim and I are heartbroken. Dom was one of the nicest persons to me.
When we met, I think I was very ill at the time. We were invited to a
family picnic. I was just treated like one of the family. As he became
increasingly immobile, we would see Carol, but never Dom. He was a genuinely hilarious comedian.”
- Steve Schalchlin










