Decker’s Daily Coffee
April 13, 2009
HIV medications get a lot of credit for my current health, which is good. They deserve it for pulling me out of the shit basket a decade ago, when I was really sick… but you know what really keeps me going now?
Iced mochas.
Just about every day I find a way to get my thinblooded hands wrapped around a tall glass of godliness. And, like the hand that clasps that iced sugar rush and brings it towards my trembling lips, I can’t imagine my life without the drink. They are so good. I can’t stand it. But lately, in these harsh economic times, I’ve been thinking: “These are really starting to add up.”
That’s where you come in.
I’ve spoken and written about my personal life for so long, but I’ve always kept one thing private: the extent of my love for coffee drinks. On Decker’s Daily Coffee, I am going to post a picture every day that I make sweet love- er, drink- a coffee drink.
And not only am I inviting you into this world, I am also offering you the distinct honor of treating me to a drink.
Yes, it’s that easy! You can even pimp something if you’d like, just keep it down to a sentence and one link. Who will see your name in the bright lights? Me- and I’ll be very thankful. Want to remain anonymous? That’s cool too. Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking.
“But Shawn, would you buy me a coffee drink?”
The answer is no.
“Why?”
Because… I have AIDS. HIV meds are expensive.
“What?!”
Are you not sponsoring me because I have AIDS?
“I have AIDS too!”
Oh.
So maybe I don’t know what you are thinking.
And I’m sure there are many other variations of that conversation I could walk through. Just know that I understand the ethical violations this solicitation presents. I did a lot of soul searching before coming to the decision to launch Decker’s Daily Coffee because, until recently, a Depression was just something I slept through in 5th grade history class.
But now it’s real. And I gotta hustle. Because I gotta have my coffee.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Share the Blog. Not the Virus. 
Hear My Tori Amos Remix
April 10, 2009
I’ve gotten back into writing some music as of late, and here’s something I did for the Subculture Shock compilation disc for the Spring fund drive.
If you’re not familiar, Subculture Shock is a radio show that plays underground alternative music, and they started playing my music back in 1999 after I moved to Charlottesville… I remember what a thrill it was to hear one of my songs on the radio.
Here’s the song I gave them. It’s a remix of a Tori Amos song, “Raspberry Swirl”, that Synthetic Division- my synthpop duo- first covered a couple of years ago. (You can buy the cover on iTunes). You can listen to the remix here.
Enjoy! And here’s the original Tori song. Which is about a lesbian love affair. Being lipsynched by Divinette, the drag queen.
I Am Not Your Senorita,
Shawn
Share the Blog. Not the Virus.
Positoid.com
April 10, 2009
Check out Positoid.com to learn about the word, “positoid”, and read some of the first columns I wrote for Poz magazine.
Pageants and Wrestlemania
April 10, 2009
After the DC trip last week I judged a pageant, in which not
one but two girls were crowned. It was the last preliminary before
Miss Virginia, and contestants had to have been a runner-up in a
previous pageant to qualify.
High stakes!
As a thinblooded judge, the baton twirling during talent made me nervous. But she nailed it, and ended up taking one of the crowns. I asked another contestant with ties to Miami if she’d watched Pedro on MTV, since he’s from there. She had not. “I highly recommend it!” I said, knowing I’d have been remiss had I not
ended Pedro Zamora Appreciation Week without plugging the movie one more time.
Having done my civic duty as a pageant judge, I kicked back on Sunday with my dad and buddy, Zach, and watched the ultimate in pageantry- Wrestlemania 25! The first Wrestlemania I ever saw was the third, back in 1987 about a month or so before I tested positive. Hulk Hogan slammed Andre the Giant, but Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat stole the show in his match with Randy “Macho Man” Savage.
Wrestlemania 3 is one of my last memories of life as a negatoid. Even though- of course- I was positive at the time, and had encountered some health problems… but, when I was watching Wrestlemania 3, I was doing so through the eyes of someone who had little sense of their own mortality. Basically, through the eyes of what I was- an 11 year old.
So, I guess this begs the question- why am I still watching wrestling now?
Because it’s awesome! Especially Wrestlemania. And especially watching it with my dad, who spends most of the time making fun of the commentators. Wrestlemania 25 also showcased the comeback of “The Dragon”, wrestling for the first time in about
15 years. And he stole the show again! And, I must say, watching Wrestlemania through the eyes of a positoid, who has lived for a long time with a healthy respect for his own mortality, is just as enjoyable as it was back in 1987.
If not more so.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Share the Blog. Not the Virus.
Sean Strub, Cable Positive and OMG Rachel Maddow
April 7, 2009
Back in November, I wrote about how President Obama should appoint Poz founder, Sean Strub, as the new White House AIDS Czar because an intelligent and thoughtful positoid in that position would be incredible.
Well, the administration didn’t follow my advice, and Cable Positive has taken advantage and snatched up Sean Strub as their new CEO. So what is Cable Positive?
They are an organization that keeps HIV/AIDS awareness on the airwaves, and have been doing so since 1992 when many in the cable industry noticed the impact of what AIDS was doing to their colleagues and friends. Realizing the potential they had to raise awareness via programming and PSAs, Cable Positive sprung into action. Learn more at their website.
Reducing stigma for those already infected is also a goal for Cable Positive, which makes Sean a natural pick. When I found out he was being unveiled in DC at the Cable Show ’09 conference, I journeyed to the event. Heavyhitters such as Larry Flynt strolled by in a gold-plated wheelchair and guys in Storm Trooper costumes told (commanded at gun point?) me to write about the new animated Star Wars show on my Facebook page.
Rumor had it that Batista from the WWE was there, too.
But the real heavyweight was Rachel Maddow, who was emcee’ing the Power Awards at the Cable Positive booth. Here’s a clip of Rachel at the conference, speaking about how HIV/AIDS has influenced her life, starting at the 3 minute mark.
Yes, I dig the glasses. No, I didn’t record this myself.
Gwenn and I have been fans of Rachel’s ever since seeing her on Al Franken’s Air America show years ago. The big thrill, of course, was being there to support the guy who basically started my writing career by giving my Positoid column a greenlight back in 1997. Meeting Rachel? That was just an added opportunity to make an ass of myself by fawning over her…
So imagine my shock when- as Sean was introducing us- Rachel said she knew who I was?
“I’ve been reading about your love life for years!”
I wasn’t prepared to be humble. Not in any way. And throwing the inner-switch from Fawning Jackass to Humble Writer/Educator was a seven notch swing, but I managed to perform the task with as much grace and poise as I could muster.
“Yer on TV!” I shouted, all buck-toothed and pointing. (Okay, that didn’t happen, thankfully.)
As mutual fawning ensued, Sean Strub proudly smiled on as I was once again reminded of just how small the HIV/AIDS universe is. Not since I slept in Sean Sasser’s pajamas had I been shown such an obvious example of that. And Rachel’s own involvement in raising awareness about HIV/AIDS isn’t surprising- one of the reasons why I like her work so much is because she is very open-minded and compassionate.
Just like the new CEO of Cable Positive.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
PS… hats off to Larry Flynt for stopping by the Cable Positive booth and shooting a PSA for HIV/AIDS awareness. He’s got a gold heart to match those gold wheels. Once “Larry the Cable Positive Guy” is on YouTube, I’ll post it on the blog.
Share the Blog. Not the Virus.
Pedro & Sean & Me
April 3, 2009
I am so relieved- MTV’s “Pedro” was a good movie. I got teary-eyed, it hit all the right notes and it was interesting to see the details portrayed in Judd Winick’s graphic novel, Pedro & Me, come to life in this film.
It didn’t hurt matters that the screenplay was written by Dustin Lance Black, either.
One of my worries is that the film would gloss over the trouble that Pedro’s partner, Sean Sasser, had in the final weeks and months of Pedro’s life. Zamora’s family held Sasser at bay, telling him that Pedro no longer needed “a lover”. I remember reading this back in 1997, when Poz did a cover story on Sean.
It really broke my heart.
Gay rights was a no-brainer, but the article really made me think about why gay
marriage needed to be- and still needs to be- legalized as well. I’d
made so many friends in the HIV/AIDS community, and couldn’t bear to
think about any one of them not being to see the other if something
happened. So kudos to the team behind Pedro for including some of what Sean went through. It was also fun to see a cameo by Judd and Pam, and their kid.
In the last blog I shared a run-in I had with Puck several years ago. Here’s a story about Sean Sasser… it’s long, so maybe read a little on Friday, then Saturday and then finish on Sunday.
———————
When I went up to New York to be interviewed for Poz magazine- the first interview I ever did about being HIV positive- I was so nervous. I thought about my positoid heroes, Ryan White and Pedro Zamora, took a deep breath, and just said. “Be yourself.” In a strange way, that was comforting. I knew my life was changing, and I felt like I had their blessing.
After the first visit to New York, I got a job offer to manage Poz’s web site; they didn’t know that I knew nothing about internet programming, but assumed I did because I had a web site. I also got a job offer at Community Prescription Services, a mail order HIV meds pharmacy run by Stephen Gendin.
WIth Sean Strub and Stephen Gendin in 1997.
I lived in New York briefly and gave it a shot, but after a month I was exhausted and a bit embarrassed by my lack of skills in web-making. On the CPS front, I was completely fearful of screwing up some positoid’s drug order. I was also lazy- I didn’t want to memorize HIV meds combos and nicknames. Also, I was still afraid of getting sick and having to someday be on them.
Spending every afternoon at CPS was like a daily reminder of that fear.
I was still thinking about quiting, but I didn’t want to let Stephen or Sean
Strub down. Then one day, a positoid was roaming around the Poz
office. We started speaking, and went to grab lunch. He’d gone to a
Mennonite school in Virginia, and was eager to get started in New York
City, but wasn’t sure about job opportunities and thought Poz would be
the only place that would hire him.
“I think I know about an opening somewhere else,” I said. He took my spot at CPS
When I told a co-worker at CPS that I was going back to Virginia, she must have been relieved. The other staffers- all positoids, a requirement at CPS- must have been relieved. They were carrying my weight for a while. “What will you do?” “I want to talk about HIV.” She wished me well, and said that it was obvious to her that this is what I should be doing.
I got home to Virginia, and immediately I came down with a nasty bronchial infection. I spent a few months laying low, getting back into my blog and figuring out what the next thing to do was. When I pitched a column to Poz, they decided to give me a shot, and soon after the magazine with my interview came out I was writing the Positoid column.
Several months later, I returned to New York- the Poz with my interview had come out, as well as my first couple of columns. I popped into CPS to see my co-workers. “You’re famous!” I was happy my identity of “office slack off” had changed and I’d found my rhythm, much more a peace making positoids life than worrying about messing up their drugs. Another thing I noticed was a picture in my old cubicle.
“Is that you with Sean Sasser?” I asked the kind positoid who took my spot at CPS.
He said yes.
After I got home, I sent a gushing email to Sean and was overjoyed when he wrote back. He knew who I was from the column in Poz, and I immediately saw just how small the positoid universe was. We met at a Poz Life Expo (pictured here) in New York City, then a year later I went to Los Angeles for another Expo. I’d never been to San Francisco before, and Sean was kind enough to invite there for a visit.
Sean gave me some advice on educating, and how important the prevention message is, that just telling an audience you’re positive is not enough. Later that night, Sean was aghast that I had not brought pajamas, and couldn’t believe I didn’t own a pair.
Years later, Gwenn would share his confusion on that particular void in my life. (I now have several pairs.)
Sean lent me a pair of his, and that night I thought for a long time before going to sleep… I couldn’t believe how far I’d come. That I was an active part of a community, raising awareness and spirits by being myself. I wasn’t the guy who ignored his status, only reminded when he watched The Real World.
Also, as I went to sleep that night I couldn’t believe that I’d gotten into Sean Sasser’s pajamas.
Watching Pedro brought back a lot of these memories, and how the Real World San Francisco played such a crucial role in planting a subconscious seed that started to change how I felt about my HIV status. That shift in attitude is what led me to meet Gwenn, discover my love for writing as well as my passion to educate others about HIV.
So thank you, Pedro Zamora. You are still with us in spirit.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Share the Blog. Not the Virus.
My April Fool’s Day Joke 2009
April 1, 2009
The general public seems none-too-impressed with this year’s joke of screaming, “I’m cured! I’m cured!” Then saying. “No, I’m just kidding- I still have AIDS. April Fool’s Day!”
Share the Blog. Not the Virus.
A Night with Puck (Pedro on MTV tonight)
April 1, 2009
Pedro Zamora Appreciation Week on this blog continues in anticipation of tonight’s movie, Pedro, on MTV, tonight at 8 pm (EST).
In terms of the Real World portion of Pedro’s life, who can forget the huge rivalry with
Puck, the snot-loving bike messenger? The bickering and drama made for good TV. So when I read an article that said there would be cameos on tonight’s Pedro movie, as well as reinactments from the television show, I wondered: will we be seeing Steve-O as Puck?
I was 19 when The Real World San Francisco aired in 1994 and I have to admit: I liked Puck.
I loved Pedro, for reasons I expounded upon in the last blog. But Puck made me laugh with the ridiculous things he did and said. Like the time he scooped a finger-full of peanut butter from Pedro’s jar, just as he was making himself a sandwich.
Classic!
In a way, I appreciated the gesture. Puck wasn’t worried about getting AIDS from peanut butter. It was probably my favorite light-hearted moment on the show, which happened before the feud got serious and Puck was kicked out of the house. After Pedro’s passing, during the Real World Reunion special, Judd grilled Puck about some horrible things he said about Pedro in the aftermath of his death.
I wasn’t so sure if I liked Puck anymore.
In 2003, I came face-to-face with the king of the snot rockets. I wasn’t looking for a confrontation, just an answer. “Hey, Puck- can I ask you a question?” Sure man, he said. “Has your opinion about Pedro changed in recent years?”
“He’s dead.” Puck said.
I stayed calm after the jarring response.
I knew Pedro had passed, I said. I explained why I was at the conference- as a positoid- and introduced him to Gwenn. That we use humor in educating about HIV. I told him their season of The Real World meant a lot to me, that Pedro was very inspiring to me as someone who never thought they’d talk about their HIV status.
He let his guard down. And told me that MTV had just done a Cribs episode on his pad. “I have a memorial in my home for Pedro,” he said. “They didn’t show that on TV.”
Later that night, in the hotel bar, he stumbled up to Gwenn and I. We were talking to someone, and Puck interrupted. With eyes closed and lips puckered, perhaps he was expecting a kiss from Gwenn? I leaned over, and planted one on him. His eyes opened, and they were as wide as saucers.
“You have supple lips!” He said, or something to that effect.
When Gwenn and I sat down, Puck joined us. He had a Trojan sponsorship for his talks, and was starting his own speakers bureau. He asked us if we’d join. Then he accidentally spilled his beer everywhere before abruptly leaving.
It was the last time I’d see Puck.
Did I get an answer? I’m not sure. Would I have rather had the opportunity to meet and plant a big ol’ peck of gratitude on the kisser of Pedro? For giving me someone to relate to and making the term “reality television” mean something that actually related to my own reality?
You betcha.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
LIFE IN PHOTOS
Face Time fun with my Goddaughter. She was digging our phone chat- even though we were about three feet away from one another.
Making the enemy quit out with @squirrel_munky and @vaineos :)
Closing out the Joe with @gwennbarringer this afternoon.
Caught in full Mocha Mode...
Speaking About Sexual Health
Since 2000, Shawn and Gwenn have been speaking about sexual health together, sharing their personal story and empowering others to be safe. If you are interested in having them speak at your event, fill out the Contact Us form.
Check out Shawn's music and buy his book, My Pet Virus, which is now available on Kindle!
It will be the funniest book you've ever read about someone having AIDS... guaranteed!