Speaking Tonight
February 12, 2009
I made a big mistake. Turns out the Lauretta Braden email was a scam. Not only am I not rich, but I have many valuable relationships to rebuild.
Fortunately, I’ve already won back one loved one: my mother-in-law, who has welcomed me back into the family with open arms. But it was easier to charm her, since I was able to do so in person. See, Gwenn and I are speaking at Hiram College tonight, which is conveniently located near Cleveland where Bev (Gwenn’s mom) lives. We’ll see how everyone back home responds to my brush with riches on Saturday, when I play a Valentines show with Bella Morte.
I’m looking forward to speaking this evening, it feels like it’s been forever since we last spoke in December. Which makes me think- if I really hit the lottery, I’d like to think that I’d still educate. In fact, I’d probably speak more, as I’d be able to go to all the schools that don’t have the funds to fly us out to their school.
Anyway, speaking of Valentine’s Day and sexual health education: did you hear about the Armani Exchange store in Troy, MI? They had a display featuring condoms that were shaped as a heart, to promote HIV/AIDS awareness during the libidinous Valentines season. Well, mall authorities shut that down… Why?
To protect parents from the following interaction with their children?
“Mommy, what are those?!”
“Oh, honey… they are…. suckers….”
“I WANT SUCKERS! MOMMY, MOMMY, PLEASE!!!!!”
Positively Yours,
Shawn
I Have Been Touched… By Money!
February 11, 2009
Times are a little tighter these days for most people, and a better person than I would not take this opportunity to rub good fortune in the faces of others… but I got the following email today, and I think it’s a real game changer.
————————-
Received at 4:43 pm 2/11/09
Subject: I Have Been Touched
My name is Mrs Lauretta Braden,
I have decided to donate what I have to you. I have been touched to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for the good work of charity organisation, I decided to WILL/donate the sum of $10,000,000:00USD to you.
Contact my Physican Dr Steve Elliott with this specified email–
************@gmail.com.
Regards,
Mrs Lauretta Braden.
—————–
Now, I know what you are thinking: Shawn, why would you not post the email of the kind woman’s physician? Well, it’s tough times, and I can’t have someone else swoop in on old Dr. Elliott and Mrs. Braden’s money, squeezing me out of the action. Especially since she has obviously read or seen something here that inspired her to donate $10 million dollars to me. It could have been the latest Synthetic Division music video or maybe she came upon a copy of My Pet Virus.
I don’t know, and I don’t care. Either way, I’m not about to lose this opportunity.
I’ve seen a lot of specials on lottery winners, how their lives are ruined by large sums of money, usually because family members and friends feel entitled to a piece of the pie. Well, I definitely want to avoid those pitfalls, which is why I shot off a mass email to everyone I know.
————————
Sent: 5:14 pm, 2/11/09
Subject: ‘Bout Damn Time
Dear Friends and Family,
It has just come to my attention that I am going to be rich beyond my wildest imagination. Do not reply to this email- I am changing the address immediately after sending this. Do not stop by my house, I am staying in a hotel until I locate a mansion. And no, you can’t have any. Hence the change of email address and demeanor in general. Looks like you’ll have to find another AIDS monkey to make you laugh, because this one is about to be giggling himself to sleep in a big ol’ barrel of bananas.
Positively Nobodys,
Shawn
———
Will I continue to blog for Poz? Well, it depends on how they take the email. I think I have enough money to start my own AIDS magazine now: POZ-itoid. I got enough money to hire a lawyer who can win that gimmick infringement case, too! And I bet Dr. Steve Elliott knows just the guy.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
February 7, 2009
Is today. Check out blackaidsday.org to learn more. Also check out Poz’s interview with Kevin Fenton, director of the National Center for HIV/AIDS, Viral Hepatitis, STD and TB Prevention (NCHHSTP) at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
Should there be a “Black” AIDS Day in addition to the December 1st observation of World AIDS Day? Hell, yes. You can never have too many AIDS Days as far as I’m concerned, and with February being Black History Month, I’m all for setting aside one day to insure that this issue- and it’s devastation in the black community- becomes, well, history itself.
Sooner rather than later.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Two Great Videos for Valentine’s
February 6, 2009
I couldn’t resist.
By the way, the video posted below is one of the best videos I’ve ever seen. It’s a clip courtesy of “The Love Doctor”, who kindly visited Fox to expound upon the purity of the new president’s love for his first lady. It quickly takes a turn for the worse. This is like a Valentine’s Day present from the Gods, enjoy!
I couldn’t resist.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Your Bloody Valentine?
February 5, 2009
Once again Synthetic Division is teaming up with Bella Morte. They said it would never happen. They said the egos were too big for Charlottesville to handle… they were right. But, for the fans, we have all agreed to share the stage again.
In the spirit of love we are playing a special late-night, acoustic Valentine’s show at Gravity Lounge here in Charlottesville. Last time I played there, Synthetic Division was fully loaded with dance goodness. But this time the set is going to be stripped down a little bit- not full-on acoustic like Bella Morte- for us, “acoustic” means a few less “bleeps” and “bloops”. And replacing a robot’s voice on the iPod with a piano sound.
It’s kind of nice to fill the writing void that was left when I sent off the book with an artistic endeavor. One of my buddies in Bella Morte, Micah “The World’s Most Dangerous Keytar Player” Consylman, helped set up a recording system on my computer, which will make it easier to get new songs done. And Marshall, the keyman of Synthetic Division, and I actually having regular band practices leading up to the show. In doing so, I discovered a shocking fact that almost brought Synthetic Division down to its knees- Marshall knows how to play… guitar.
I’ll try to post some videos of the show after the fact. In the meantime, here’s a popular Synthetic Division video.
If you’re around the area, I would love to see you at the show!
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Hemo2Homo Labworks
February 4, 2009
So guess whose lab results come up on my “My Pet Virus” Google Alert? None other than Steve Schalchlin, the Ebert to my Roper. Here’s what he posted on Monday, in no way colluding with me…
“Also went to see the doc… My highest t-cell count to date: 525. And a great percentage: 21%. So, I don’t know that I’d say my immune system is strengthening since these numbers go up and down all the time, but it’s clear that my health is holding its own.”
Too cool, even in t-cells Steve shows me who the boss is, besting my latest lab results by two measly t-cells! Well, he may have two more, but mine are wittier as a whole.
Since the last post kind featured the dark side of humanity, and the randomness of opening that book to the one page (of about 400 pages total) that had the word “AIDS”, I have to acknowledge the great coincidence of our Monday blogs.
When I met Steve in 1996, he was losing his battle against his pet virus. Well, his body was at least. His sense of humor was so effervescent, I had no idea how close I was to losing my new pal.
At the time, too, I didn’t know I was 3 years away from an AIDS diagnosis. I felt kind of indestructible at the time, really, realizing just how cool it was that I’d outlived that initial prognosis. I was never able to take it in before I spoke out about HIV, because I had a deep-seeded fear that the virus would take me some day.
When I did get sick in 1999, Steve was one of the few people who knew just how dire my health was, combined with my “rebel without a cure” attitude. Unlike me at the time, he’d seen friends die before. “If you don’t take these drugs, you will DIE!”, he emailed me.
Some would say that us two oddballs defied the odds to live to meet one another. Maybe. All I know for sure is that we are here now, blogging about record high t-cell counts. We’re both doing well, and that’s the good news… the bad news? Looks like his hometown of Hollywood is going to have to deal with the Hemo2Homo Connection for many more years to come.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Heapin’ Helpin’ of Lab Results
February 2, 2009
I know the numbers on everyones’ minds are the points scored at the Super Bowl (I predicted it right!). But I got some good numbers of my own recently: my latest HIV lab results. The viral load is undetectable, and the CD4 (t-cell) count is 523… the third highest I’ve had recorded since the 1980′s!
Sweet!
For those who know about my week on/week off treatment strategy, it’s important to note that the labs were drawn after being two days into a week on the drugs.
Huh?
I take my HIV meds for seven days, then don’t take them for seven days and repeat that cycle. In the March issue of Poz- out next month- there will be a column about why and how I came to the decision to do this back in 2002. I’ll link it when it’s up.
So one of my favorite things aside from high t-cell counts is getting my coffee drink on. After getting my labs done, I left my appointment with Dr. Greg and went to a new coffee shop in town called the Calvino Cafe located at the Market Street Shops. As I am ordering, the nice young woman behind the counter tells me her daughter loved my book.
I smiled, and tried to act humble, but I always get way too excited in these situations. “No way! How cool!”
In a hilarious coincidence for the day, she told me her daughter is dating Dr. Greg’s son, giving the whole moment a very Stars Hallow, Gilmore Girls aftertaste that went down well with my fave drink, the iced mocha.
I frequent a few of the coffee shops in town. My baristo extraordinaire, Jaike, hooks it up real nice at Shenandoah Joe’s. And Toan over at C’ville Coffee offers up such a great environment to write, and is also the only shop in town that has an Adult Zone and a kids/family section. Well, just the other day I was in the adult zone, having coffee with Gwenn and a pal, and the title of a book caught my eye: “A Heaping Helping of True Grizzard”.
There was a goofy looking author, Lewis Grizzard, on the sleeve. We all had a chuckle at his mustache’s expense. Then I read the blurbs on the back of the book, and I felt like me and ol’ Griz might have a lot in common.
“A southern comedic gem!” “Like Andy Rooney- only funny!” “Clever and witty!”
All the adjectives I like to attribute to myself.
I open this 1991 book up to a random page about sex. “Sex today is just as scrambled as everything else. You can’t even talk about it without getting confused.” The Griz then presented a glossary of terms to help himself- and presumably us, too- better understand the world we live in.
“LOVER- Somebody you aren’t married to but you’re sleeping with them anyway.” He tackled “cohabitation” and “palimony”, then the next one up was kind of baffling. “GAY: Formerly “queer,” “fruit,” or “fag.” Means you and your lover can go into the same bathroom together when you stop at service stations during long trips.” How lame is that, right? I was really discovering that the Griz and I weren’t on the same page in regard to our senses of humor or our views on life. When I got to the next word, the fact that I opened the very large book to this page meant that this very blog was inevitable.
“AIDS: You and your lover can share the same hospital room together, too.”
A heaping, helping of Grizzard did not go down too well with the iced mocha.
In writing this, I Wiki’d the Griz, who passed away in 1995. I’m not going to dishonor him any further than he did himself, or the way he dishonored all of those positoids who were laying in hospital beds dying as he chuckled at his typewriter, swirling his glass of alcohol and admiring his handiwork on the word “AIDS”. I won’t comment on the fact that he died from heart failure, or make a joke about the one page of his work that I read, which didn’t show much heart (or humor) at all.
OK, so maybe I’m sticking it to the guy. But hey, he deserves it. And I didn’t know he was dead until I Wiki’d him halfway through this entry. I guess, like him, I am not beyond cracking a joke or two at the epidemic’s expense. But unlike Griz, my jokes are at my own expense.
And the intent is to make my fellow positoids laugh and feel better. Not cringe and feel worse.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Gwenn's Fashion Blog: A Latte Style
Decker's Daily On Tumblr
Help Shawn and Gwenn
Since 2000, Shawn and Gwenn have been speaking about sexual health together, sharing their personal story and empowering others to be safe. If you are interested in having them speak at your event, fill out the Contact Us form.
Check out Shawn's music and new CD! The purchase of which goes toward the purchase of his life-saving HIV medications.