Bail Me Out?
September 29, 2008
I propose that $5 be added to the $700,000,000,000 to help me out some losses I suffered this evening at the hands of friends.
Or, I should probably say, the hands of the hands of friends. Yes, I was on the losing end of a night of low-stakes poker. I know it’s a risky move with the ecomony on a downturn, and uncertainty as to whether or not the bailout will appease the mighty appetite of the U.S. and World economies…
But desperate times call for desperate measures. And a man will go to any means to provide for his family. Sure, my family is one other person, in terms of how many people are under one roof, but still, you know what I’m talking about.
So I’m writing to my congressmen to see if an additional $5 can be tacked onto the $700,000,000,000 bailout plan to cover my losses this evening. Seriously, does $700,000,000,005 really look that much different?
If the government turns down my request, I may organize an AIDS Walk to off set my losses. Read a really cool story about a recent AIDS Walk in Louisville, where pets were invited to join in on the fun. They raised $178,000!
Go, Fido.
So just remember, if the politicians let you down, there’s always man’s best friend.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Potential Debate Subs for McCain
September 26, 2008
John McCain may not debate Barack Obama tonight. If he doesn’t, here are my Top 3 Dream Replacement Opponents for Obama.
#1 The Ultimate Warrior
#2 The Great Khali (with Jim Carrey moderating)
#3…
OK, any wrestler or wrestling manager will do.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Coming Out, Bailing Out
September 25, 2008
I started my week-on cycle of HIV meds on Tuesday night, which can be confusing enough as it is. I don’t need any help in being confused.
But that’s what happened when I got up for a bowl of cereal, only to discover that “Clay Aiken is Gay” was a national news story yesterday thanks to Friday’s People Magazine cover story.
I’m not going to pile on Aiken here. Nor am I going to mention his first solo album was called “Measure of a Man”. I can’t imagine how hard or terrifying it must be to have a country analyzing your sexual identity before you’ve figured it out for yourself.
OK, maybe I piled on a little. But while we are stating the obvious, here’s my pitch to People for next week’s cover…
As I polished off the last of the Raisin Bran, I also saw that Bono was going to be meeting with Sarah Palin, which all but sealed my decision to be Early 90’s Bono for Halloween.
I know, Bono does great things for the world. That’s why I’m thinking one night of Bono isn’t going to be enough. In these tough economic times, I’m thinking about doing Full Bono through the end of the year. If I can one club to book me as The Fly, I’ll have enough money to consider bringing a baby of my own into this world. (Spermwashing is expensive!)
Plus, if I can make enough money I won’t have to pull any dangerous publicity stunts to boost book sales, such as picking a fight with Erin Weed. Something I’m hoping that I can bail out on.
Speaking of bailouts, that seems to be a running theme lately, with the economic crisis of which I know so little that I am limiting my writing of such to the term “economic crisis”. Last night, McCain bailed on David Letterman to get to D.C. to handle the crisis- hilarity ensued when Letterman picked up a live feed of McCain sitting down with Katie Couric in the same building during Dave’s taping.
Check it out here.
I say everyone go ball’s out on bail outs this weekend. Well, everyone should go balls out except Jack Nicholson. We can all agree that we’ve seen enough there.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Eary 1990’s Bono
September 23, 2008
Was in Target tonight, and found a jacket on the ladies discount rack: I immediately thought of Bono from the early 1990’s, and am thinking he might make a good Halloween costume?
Shawno as Bono for Halloween 2008?
These were sunglasses Gwenn happened to have in her purse. I’d need a wig and someone to go as my wingman for the evening, The Edge. Oh yeah, I’d need somewhere to go on Halloween night as well, since I’m thinking Early 90’s Bono might scare off the trick or treaters.
Maybe dressing up as Early 90’s Bono is a plan better suited for Bella Morte’s CD Release party on October 4? Synthetic Division landed the opening slot, and I’d love nothing more than to steal Bella’s hard-earned thunder as “The Fly”, channeling Bono in his classic frontman prime.
Look out Andy Deane: don’t say you haven’t been warned.
As for simmering feuds with friends, no updates on the Erin Weed front, though she did appear on the NYC Weekend Today show. On the way to the program, she fended off the attack of a random stranger… Can you imagine that poor luck jackass? Of all the people he grabs, he chooses someone who has taken classes on how to hurt people the right way.
I’m waiting to hear back from my hematologist about whether I should be in one of Erin’s videos. If I get the green light, I’ll run it by the National Hemophilia Foundation. If they say it’s cool, I’m totally going to whoop Erin’s butt.
Maybe I’ll dress up as Early 1990’s Bono to surprise her?
Positively Yours,
Shawn
What If… Shawn Were a Thickblood?
September 22, 2008
Once in a while Marvel Comics will freak people out with a series called “What If”.
“Due to their nature, stories presented in the What If format were allowed to break the rules of the characters’ respective series that kept the status quo intact; major characters could be (and often were) killed off in the alternate realities, and many stories were based on the premise of a particular Marvel superhero, upon gaining/discovering his or her special abilities, choosing a life of crime instead.” - Wikipedia
For instance, a few of the What If stories tackled such mind-boggling scenarios as: What if the world knew Daredevil was blind? Or what if Spider-Man joined the Fantastic Four? Or what if Conan the Barbarian walked the Earth today?
In my last blog, Of Freegans and Flatulence, I shared the story of having been the victim of a random act of flatulence, in which I was targeted for no apparent reason. I’d written that, if I were thickblooded, I would have come to blows with the 17-year old who went out of his way to fart on me.
A reader asked, “You’d really beat up a kid for farting on you? Isn’t that a bit much?”
He was no kid- he was at least six inches taller than me and had a significant reach advantage. Still, if I were thickblooded, I’d probably have taken a swing at him. “Crom, give me the strength to get my revenge,” I’d have prayed before waging war.
Of course, I was wondering how I’d have responded if I were a thickblood, someone born without hemophilia or any other bleeding disorder. This means I would have been born thickblooded, which would have altered my destiny in many ways: would I have given up baseball at age 10 for fear of being beamed by a 12-year old? Would I have moved on to more violent sports, like football?
The thought of Thickblooded Shawn both fascinates and scares me…. WHAT IF?
Thickblooded Shawn is born in 1975 in Waynesboro, Virginia. With no fear of bleeding to death, he runs with a different crowd growing up and quickly stands out as the toughest son-of-a-bitch in the group. By the start of high school, everyone’s ass that side of Afton Mountain would have been properly whooped, leaving young Thickblood Shawn looking elsewhere for challenges.
An offer to join a traveling, underground gang of cage-fighters proves tempting. When Thickblood Shawn’s big brother, Kip, and his dad, Buddy, step in to try to talk reason, Thickblood Shawn kicks their asses and leaves home at the tender age of 14.
By his mid-20’s, Thickblood Shawn has a cage fighting record of 109-1, with 96 Knockouts and 41 Kills.
In the summer of 2008, while at Red Robin with his friends, Thickblood Shawn turns the conversation to the one thing he always does- that one loss. “Submissions shouldn’t be allowed- the only way to end a fight should be a knock out. Or a death.” It always the same, people are annoyed but no one dares to say a word to Thickblood Shawn for fear of getting their asses kicked.
While leaving Red Robin, Thickblooded Shawn is farted on by a lanky 17-year old prankster, who laughs as he walks away… would Thickblooded Shawn turn the other cheek the same way Thinblooded Shawn did?
Think about it… what if?
Since thickblooded Shawn would not have contracted HIV through blood products as a child, he would have never met Gwenn, who would surely talk reason into him. And if Thickblooded Shawn contracted HIV during an ultra-bloody cage fight in his twenties, then I doubt he would be able to charm Gwenn the way thinblooded Shawn did.
A lot of times I get asked, “Do you wish you didn’t have HIV?” Well, if not having it meant not meeting Gwenn, or being born thickblooded with my anti-authority streak intact, then no, I wouldn’t want to have any part of that particular what if.
Now Conan walking the Earth today? That is awesome. Nobody would try to fart on that guy.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Of Freegans and Flatulence
September 19, 2008
I heard the term “Freegan” for the first time tonight, and immediately pronounced myself one, falsely assuming that it meant I was a fan of Morgan Freeman.
My mistake was honest. Wikipedia says, “The lifestyle (of a freegan) involves salvaging discarded, unspoiled food from supermarket dumpsters that have passed their display date but haven’t passed their edible date. They salvage the food not because they are poor or homeless, but as a political statement.”
Apparently Oprah did an episode on this last year.
It’s intriguing, this freeganism. But I like my definition of the word better.
Last night, I was farted on. I’ll set the stage…
Was at the Red Robin, having dinner with friends, when on the way out a group of five people were walking towards the mall. The lanky, blonde guy must have been at least 16 years old. I was a few paces ahead of my pack, and Lanky began to break ranks from his group, walking towards me. As our paths crossed, he pivoted his hips and I heard the unmistakeble sound.
*brrrrrAn*
The victimization and rage I felt were immediate, and his sister?/girlfriend gave Lanky a horrified look. Being a few steps behind him, she saw that I was well aware of the besmirchment I’d suffered. He knew, too- he turned enough to see that I was staring at him menacingly, and had to know immediately that the fart was louder than he’d intended.
Off they went into the mall, and my friends laughed when I explained what had just happened to me. The scenario would have definitely played out differently had I been born with sufficient amounts of clotting factor.
As a society, we all know it is perfectly acceptable to fart on friends. It’s probably the one thing that unites all of us, regardless of socioeconomic status. Lanky had four potential victims in his own group- surely one of them had done something to warrant a little payback. But to fart on a complete stranger? And of all the people in the parking lot, why me?
Was it because I am HIV positive? Or have hemophilia? No one is supposed to be able to tell that I have HIV or hemophilia simply by looking at me… but I am getting the vibe that this was a medical condition-related hate crime.
I bet I can get Erin Weed to Charlottesville to extract revenge for me once I clear up our mistunderstandings about the video challenge… I still totally down for it, I’m just checking in with the National Hemophilia Foundation to see if it’s a good idea. If they give me the greenlight, I’ll stay true to my acceptance of her challenge.
In the meantime, I am going to search my soul to try and make sense of what happened to me tonight. As a writer and not a fighter, the best way I can handle this situation and raise awareness about this is to create a word for those who fart on strangers in public.
Any suggestions are welcomed.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Check out my memoir, My Pet Virus, and click to read a sample. Video of reviews.
Give a listen to “Sign”, one of my songs from Synthetic Division’s Get with the Programs (co-written with Kyle Wiggins):
Get the song here on iTunes!
Be sure to visit ShawnandGwenn.com, where you can see clips of our educational work at colleges and universities, as well as media clips from MTV safe sex programming and a Dr. Drew talk show. 2006 video of me and Gwenn, when I was finishing up My Pet Virus.
Haven’t seen a real blog in a day or so? Follow my cellphone micro-blogging at Twitter.com.
Video Killed the Thinblood
September 17, 2008
Since My Pet Virus has come out, I haven’t had one big, flashy media appearance… nothing!
In these troubling economic times, I sure could use any opportunity to reach the masses through the television, to not only raise awareness about HIV/AIDS but to boost book sales as well.
I never intended to embrace media whoredom back in 1996 I launched my little web site. Then I was a young buck from Waynesboro, figuring that people knew everything there was to know about HIV. For me, the site was about being breaking my cone of silence about my pet virus, and utilizing my blossoming HTML skills. (LOTS of blinking things.)
Shortly thereafter, Poz Magazine called, then MTV… and after Gwenn and I started educating together in 2000, we’ve been in numerous educational videos. But since the book came out in the fall of 2006, nothing.
Well, almost nothing.
Yesterday I was invited to be a part of an educational video. One that has nothing to do with my pet virus. More of an educational opportunity about my bleeding disorder, hemophilia. Meet my friend, Erin Weed, founder of Girls Fight Back.
In my usual smartass ways, I’ve been taunting Erin since our speaking paths crossed in 2001. Like when she posts pictures of giving self-defense seminars, I’ll be there to quip. Such as…
Shawn writes: “Never, ever, look down when Erin tells you ya got something on your shirt.”
Without fail, if I see Erin uploading pictures I’m there to comment. When she posted her impressive video, I told her to leave Daft Punk alone. She responded with an invitation:
“I’m looking for my next subject for Stick Fighting Part Two. I was thinking we could test out your latest hemophilia meds, and see if those crazy platelets of yours could stand a friendly beating. You game?”
I’ve known fear like I felt in the moment I read that Facebook Wall post… then I got to thinking- why not? If I can somehow manage to survive the attack, I could get the National Hemophilia Foundation and my buddies at American Home Federation to get this story on the wire… then maybe the Associated Press would pick it up, O’Reilly might get pissed and boom- book sales.
Desperate financial times call for desperate measures. So here, on my blog, I am responding publicly to my friend’s invitation: Erin, I accept the challenge.
(Please don’t hurt me.)
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Erin and Shawn in happier times, in the photo that will be shown on Nancy Grace ten thousand times.
Update on People of Blogs Past
September 15, 2008
Recently I reconnected with my barista babe friends, Jenny and Lisa, who spent the summer away from C’ville but are now back in town. They used to work for my buddy, Irvin, at a local coffee shop.
On April 1st, Jenny and Lisa were instrumental in helping me suprise Irvin on April Fool’s Day. That’s me in the giant bean costume. These days I’m trying to rent out my services to shops around town, but nobody’s biting on “The Bean”.
Around the same time we surprised Irvin, he surprised all of us with the news that he and his wife were expecting a baby, which arrived the day that I was reconnecting with Jenny and Lisa. We joked about Irvin ditching out on us, and then we decided to pop over and see how he was doing at the hospital.
“Oh!” Jenny said. “We should have had the Bean surprise Irvin!”
Well, when we got there and called up, Irvin came down because of a breastfeeding situation. It would have been such an Arrested Development moment if we’d planned the return of Bean and I just barged in dressed up like that, waving my hands around as Irvin tries to shield his family.
Since this is kind of an update on folks blog, I have to make a couple of points about the subjects of previous blogs.
River the Cat, who still needs to be adopted, is not a female as I stated in my previous River blog. He’s all male. Just had a little operation, no big deal, lots of animals get it done.
In June, I wrote a blog about my friends in Bella Morte and their summer touring. In the same blog, I interviewed a positoid who was set to walk across the country, from Washington state to Washington DC. I sent Michael Von Gaysen a message and haven’t heard back. I have also noticed that his site hasn’t been updated past Day 3
Michael, are you out there?
In a related story, Ethan Zohn, winner of Survivor Africa and the man too scared to bowl Shawn Decker, picked up the ball for Michael in a sense. Ethan is kicking a soccer ball from Boston to Washington DC, and like Michael, he plans to arrive in DC on December 1, World AIDS Day.
Michael was doing it to raise awareness for HIV. I think Ethan is doing it in an attempt to inherit my Campusport trophy. In fact, Campuspeak co-founder, TJ Sullivan, posted a status update that he defeated his son bowling, knowing that this could sway me come December when I have to pass the torch.
Last year, I had the honor of speaking in Beaumont, Texas, for the Triangle AIDS Network’s conference. This weekend, my thoughts have been with everyone I met last year, and I hope that anyone else who has been in the path of Hurricane Ike is safe as well.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Check out my memoir, My Pet Virus, and click to read a sample. Video of reviews.
Give a listen to "Sign", one of my songs from Synthetic Division’s Get with the Programs (co-written with Kyle Wiggins):
Get the song here on iTunes!
Be sure to visit ShawnandGwenn.com, where you can see clips of our educational work at colleges and universities, as well as media clips from MTV safe sex programming and a Dr. Drew talk show. 2006 video of me and Gwenn, when I was finishing up My Pet Virus.
Haven’t seen a real blog in a day or so? Follow my cellphone micro-blogging at Twitter.com.
True Babies
September 12, 2008
Went in to see Dr. Greg today, and my t-cell count was 483 (26%), which is pretty much the same as it has been for the last year or so: good news.
Going in to draw the labs a couple of days before was kind of a waste of time, since the viral load test hadn’t come back yet. I am curious about the results, because the blood was taken at the tail end of my week off cycle. (For newbies, I take my HIV meds on a 7/7 cycle- one week on followed by one week off, and have done so since 2002.)
On the TiVo tip, I finally watched the new HBO series, True Blood, and I wasn’t too impressed. I’ll watch the second episode just to give the series a fair shake, but unlike Six Feet Under I wasn’t drawn in by any of the characters, nor their interactions with one another. It didn’t help that the only vampire was a total wuss, either…
Perhaps True Blood lacked impact because it had the misfortune of being a follow-up act to an amazing event that involved real blood: the birth of a child.
On Wendesday night our neighbor and friend, Lauren, welcomed a healthy and happy 8 pound girl named Evelyn into the world. Here she is with her Mommy and Gwenn. Since Lauren lives a few paces from us, Gwenn and I had the duty of taking her to the hospital when it was time. Gwenn drove Lauren and I led the way in my car, using the hazzard lights sparingly. Of course, it was rush hour traffic when we got the call, but we all made it safely to the hospital, and everything went as smoothly as possible once we got there.
Tomorrow they get to come home, and I’ll have a new little baby neighbor. She will probably recognize my voice from all the times we’ve had coffee with her mother in the last few months!
Babies are a running theme these days. Just last week, I got to see my new little baby niece, Helayna. I shaved off my mini-beard before the family dinner because it really freaked her out when she was a newborn, but now, at 6 months old, I held my niece and fed her water with a straw a few drops at a time. My brother laughed and said, “She drinks like a gerbil.”
By the way, Lauren is an incredible musician. Here’s her cover of My Chemical Romance’s “Helena”, couldn’t think of a more appropriate spot to plug a friend’s talents:
This blog and all the recent activity really begs the question: Do I ever want one of my own?
No- gerbils give nothing back emotionally and living in a waterless fish tank can’t be fun for them either. As far as babies go, I’m not as hardlined as I once was on that topic. Maybe a few years down the road Gwenn and I will be ready for the most insane adventure this life can throw at you, which is to throw this insane adventure at someone else and hope to guide them through it to the best of your abilities.
Or maybe we won’t. I’m perfectly content knowing that, as long as I am here, I have an incredible partner to share this journey with. And whether or not that ever includes a third little wheel is something that only time will tell.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Jane Swiftboats Palin
September 10, 2008
While on the campaign trail in Virginia, Sen. Obama delivered one of his canned lines about the Republican ticket. “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”
McCain’s newly appointed damage/mind control operative, former Mass. Governor Jane Swift, swiftboated the vice presidential candidate, referred to the phrase, saying the words were “…disgusting comments, comparing our vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, to a pig.”
Gee, Jane, tell us what you really think of Sarah Palin?
What is disgusting is the McCain campaign’s new political attack ad. They are saying Obama voted for comprehensive sex education for kindergarteners. Does the McCain campaign really want to go there? Mr. “I’m Not Sure if Condoms Prevent the Spread of HIV”?
And will Jane Swiftboat be held accountable for calling Palin a pig? The woman just had a child in April, for God’s sake. I think she’s in fine shape, and even if she weren’t we just don’t go there. I just think the former Governor is jealous that she was overlooked in favor of Palin.
Positively Yours,
Shawn