Meet the new Miss Virginia
June 30, 2008
Every year, Gwenn and I travel to Roanoke to witness the crowning of Commonwealth royalty at the Miss Virginia pageant.
Miss Virginia is part of the Miss America system. It’s a scholarship program. Of course that much is true, but in reality it is a series of competitions (swimsuit, evening gown, interview and talent) to gauge the overall awesomeness of a gal.
We have a lot of friends who are involved in this world as well, and the last weekend of June in Roanoke is a family reunion of sorts- we all dork out, argue, and drink to these brave souls who put it all on the line for the crown.
This year, Miss Arlington, Tara Wheeler was crowned Miss Virginia. Here she is on Tuesday (photo by Julius Tolentino), wearing a vintage dress from 1950’s that I bought for Gwenn… Tara is wearing Gwenn’s dress because, in the world of pageants, the smart contestants beg, borrow, and steal so they can actually use the money they get from competing for their schooling.
Here are a few of my favorite moments from this year’s pageant…
Party in the front, business in the back
Aside from wardrobe choices, production choices are also up for debate at Miss Virginia week. For instance, during evening gown competition, little “princesses” greet the contestants and hand them a rose. Sweet, right?
Well, at Miss Virginia 2006, there was great controversy when eventual winner Adrianna Sgarlata hugged her Tiny Miss as she took her rose. Gwenn and I reviewed this on TiVo in slow motion, and proof that Adriana initiated this cuddle is still inconclusive. Two years ago, contestants were forbidden to hug the girls. This year, it was a free-for-all, and the first contestant to issue a hug was eventual winner, Tara Wheeler.
Some girls had more than one Princess to contend with, and here, Miss Williamsburg Brittany Gordon, proves she is up to the task.
A lot of people think the life of a Miss Virginia is glamorous. The outgoing Miss Virginia, Hannah Keifer, can tell you otherwise. For if you win, people will undoubtedly force you to wear something that is beyond the realm of good taste. Like this dress, the impact of which was magnified by the singing of “God Bless the U.S.A.”.
I’m still recovering from the excitement of Miss Virginia 2008. But if you want to read the insights of someone who actually competed this year, stop by Laura Pennington’s blog. Give her a few days, though, because as of yet Laura hasn’t posted anything about the pageant. My guess is that she too is still recovering from Miss Virginia week.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
National HIV Testing Day (and Hulk Hogan)
June 25, 2008
This Friday is National HIV Testing Day. People should know their status, but every year I fall into the same trap…
I wake up, take a shower, and head out for a test, hoping against hope for a negative result. It’s kind of like Charlie Brown trying to kick that football- it never quite goes my way. Still, somewhere in my mind I think that a year’s worth of eating Cheetos will have finally chased HIV from my system.
Of course, I am kidding. But recent HIV testing news has not been a laughing matter, especially the NY Post article on a recent, isolated rash of false positive test results from Ora-Sure tests. (The mouth swabbing one.) My friend, Nick, works at the Virginia Department of Health, and he said they give pre-counselling about the potential for a false positive, which he says is extremely rare in their experiences.
And, as a safeguard, if someone tests positive with the swabbing, they get the more accurate blood test to verify the results.
If you live in Virginia, you can get a list of testing sites here. If you’re not in Virginia, find a testing center near you by going here.
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In pop culture news, Hulk Hogan has been having a rough go lately- a divorce, his son’s car accident. Did you hear the death threat phone call he received? There was speculation that it came from the family of the victim of the car wreck, but all I could think about was this YouTube video some guy made awhile back.
All I’m saying in regard to the death threat is this: “Don’t rule out Sid Justice.”
Check out Hogan’s reference to HIV testing at the end of the YouTube clip. Classic stuff. Makes you wonder what the next episode would have been like had the guy (presuming he didn’t) told the truth and said he’d never been tested.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Walking (and rocking) Across the Country
June 23, 2008
One of the perks of speaking out about HIV is that it’s given me the opportunity to see most of the United States over the last ten years.
My friends in Bella Morte have said the same thing about being in their band. Fortunately for me, I don’t have to ride in the van to see the country. I get to fly around, albeit in coach. Sure, talking about having AIDS means I don’t get panties thrown at me or anything like that… or maybe there’s no pantie-throwing because- when I speak- Gwenn is right there speaking beside me.
Either way, I’ll take the plane over the smelly van any day.
Last Thursday, the boys in Bella Morte set off to conquer the country on a U.S./Canada tour, and I took this video with my camera:
The song playing in that video is “Party Time” by Bella Morte, a cover of the 45 Grave song, made famous for its inclusion in Return of the Living Dead. It’s the same song I used in my pretzel video in the previous blog.
And no, I didn’t steal those pretzels. And yes, I do regret it.
Since I’m in a full-disclosure frame of mind today, I have to make a confession. For months I wrote about AIDS Walking in New York, about beating Kenneth Cole and how he didn’t even show up to face my challenge… well, one thing I didn’t brag about is that I didn’t exactly complete the AIDS Walk.
Halfway through the 6-mile walk, I hitched a cab. There, I wrote it.
Last year, I was limping around for days after finishing the Walk, and I promised Gwenn I wouldn’t mess myself up again. I was doing fine until a mid-point stop, where our team lined up for the Porta-Potties. After sitting down for twenty minutes, my trick ankle was not having any more of the AIDS Walk.
“But people donated,” I told Gwenn. “Not to torture you!” She countered. Still, I did swallow a little pride there.
So when I heard that a positoid was walking from Seattle to Washington D.C., leaving at the end of this month and arriving on December 1, World AIDS to raise funds and awareness about the epidemic, I had to find out more. Were there going to rollerblades involved? Or a Segway?
All was revealed when I caught up with Michael Moore-VonGaysen to ask him a few questions about his project, Positive Steps.
How long have you been HIV positive?
Michael: Well Shawn, the fateful date would be Jan 27, 2006. That is the date that my little pet entered into my life.
What inspired you and your partner, Mark, to walk across the country?
Well, one night during a chill Spokane winter, we were out on the porch smoking a cigarette, chit chatting about the current stigma facing those living with HIV/AIDS. I shared with Mark my mother’s first reaction when i told her. She asked: ” Does this mean we can’t drink out of the same glasses as of you?”
This memory is truly the initial inspiration. Thinking that a lot of America is isolated from the true impact of this pandemic that faces our nation. And that ignorance breeds fear, and fear breeds prejudice. Most people feel that this disease is limited to metro areas and and high risk groups, but the face of HIV/AIDS has changed over the years, reaching into our heartland. We feel by walking through the heartland we will reach more people and make them to sit up and take notice.
I hope lots of folks greet you along the way. OK, I gotta know one thing: Do you have a foot masseur waiting for you in D.C. on World AIDS Day?
Unfourtunatly no masseur, but i hope a group of friends will be flying out to meet us at the White House and celebrate a job well done, raising us up and carrying us upon their shoulders.
Sounds like a good time!
I feel this will not be so much in celebration but because I don’t know if either of us will be able to walk another step after 3,000 miles.
I couldn’t walk six, so I hear ya, Michael. Thanks for taking this on, and best of luck to you guys on your journey.
Thank you. And you can keep up with our progress on our website, The Positive Steps.
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That guy rules. Oh, I met him cyberly, by the way, and you can too if you’re on MySpace. Go here to add Michael as a Friend on MySpace.
I gotta say, I’m glad I met this positoid. I plan to vicariously complete my own AIDS Walk through his journey. Plus, he makes me realize what a bunch of wusses my negatoid friends in Bella Morte are for having to ride in a van to get across the country.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Shawn’s Favorite Things: Pretzels
June 20, 2008
I was recently reminded of Oprah Winfrey’s Favorite Things episodes by Kathy Griffin’s new season of Life on the D-List- one of my favorite things, incidentally. I thought, “Why not do that on the blog? Shawn’s Favorite Things?” And what would be a better Favorite Thing than large pretzels?
Big, ballpark pretzels with grains of salt the size of Skittles. Yum, yum, yum.
Oprah, of course, gives away her Favorite Things. I would love to do the same for readers of this blog, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t have much money and I’m kind of on a tight budget this summer.
Still, I’m convinced that you like those pretzels just as much as I do… I don’t have the corporate connections that Oprah does, all I got is a savvy spirit and willingness to give. I know there’s a way to get one of my favorite things into your hands without going broke. Hmmm….
Did Shawn steal the pretzels for you? Is he currently a free man? Find out by continuing to read this blog!
New Book “Finished”
June 17, 2008
A few weeks ago I finished my second book, which means that- if it’s ever published- you’ll get to read it sometime in the future. Pretty vague, huh?
Finished, of course, is a relative term. If the publisher picks it up, it will go through editing, which is a process that can take time, but is one that I really don’t mind at all. The feedback is good, and in the end I really want to produce something that connects with the reader. As a writer, I think proof-readers and editors are essential.
As of now, the new book hasn’t even gone to the publisher, who will yay or nay the idea. With My Pet Virus, I’d written a good portion of the text before submitting to a publisher, but with fiction (the next book is a vampire story) you have to write the whole thing first, unless you are Stephen King.
For him, a text message to his publisher is probably enough to get the green light: “Got this idea about a haunted boat…” “GREAT! Let’s do it.”
In closing, I have never worked so hard on something in my life. My Pet Virus was written over the course of four years, with lots of breaks which gave clarity to some of the stories within. This time, I wrote and edited for nines months, non-stop. And I’m really happy with how the story turned out.
Of course, all updates about the journey to publication will be chronicled here. Hopefully that story, like My Pet Virus, has a happy ending.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Hemo2Homo Connection: The Sex & The City Review
June 12, 2008
The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review 
Homo:
Hemo: I’m a bad straight- I love to gossip, and watched most of this HBO series with Gwenn and two of our best (good gay) friends. So of course I was there for the movie, it was somewhat of an event in our household.
I know, I’m a bad straight.
Homo: I wouldn’t have even gone to see this thing if not for you. And you said you liked it?
Hemo: Yes, there was humor, and remember, I’d just had the Spielberg/Lucas shitbomb of Indiana dropped on me. Maybe I just got Sex more, since I knew the characters from the TV show.
Homo: You don’t understand. I watched the series. I’m not THAT bad of a homo.
Hemo: My bad, Homo.
Homo: No probleemo, Hemo. But a bad movie is a bad movie. Christ. Purses. Labels. Shoes. Shopping. More shopping. More labels. More shoes. What the hell is it with women and shoes? Those horrors cost $500?? And $500 for a damn purse??
Hemo: You have to remember: most people aren’t dumping all of their money into expensive HIV medications like we are.
Homo: Right. Which is why I’m kicking myself for dumping money into Indiana and Sex…
Hemo: Wait, what about that next-door neighbor of Samantha’s? They showed that dude’s ass like 50 times!
Homo: Okay, you got me. Being an Internet Icon, I’d heard all about Mr. Next Door Neighbor before stepping foot into the theatre. He’s the real reason I went to see it, not because you wanted me to.
Hemo: They showed that dude’s ass like 50 times. And I got nothing! I was forced to go online and look for photos of Kristen Davis giving some guy a….
Homo: Hold your horses, Hemo!
Hemo: And I’m not even sure it was her.
Homo: The straight women and gay men this movie was made for don’t care about you and your needs, thinblood. This is about us. But they did show Samantha in that sushi scene. That was kind, you know, um, fleshy?
Hemo: Kim Cattrall to the rescue again!
Kim Cattrall, modelling the latest in Gigantic Condom Headwear
That woman deserves to make five times what Sarah Jessica gets. She should have held out for more money.
Homo: There, you got Samantha. The next-door neighbor, as hot as he was, was still a straight dude. Except for the two hot guys who kissed in the first scene, what is up with the homofaguals in this series? Why is it that the only two gay men in the cast have the worst clothing and are the most repulsive looking characters on the screen?
Hemo: At least the movie had gay guys in it. Hemophiliacs have been on the cutting edge of fashion for years, and how are we rewarded? By not having one thinblood in the movie. C’mon!
The last time a hemo figured into a movie plot was the vampire film, The Thirst. The vampires fed on the thinblood, then some dude starting punching them and they all bled to death.
Homo: Wait. Is that a real movie? The vampires drank the blood of hemophiliacs and then bled to death from cuts? Genius.
Hemo: It was one thinblooded girl, but yes, it’s real. Netflix it. (Careful, there are two vampire movies called “The Thirst”, the one with the hemophiliac character in it also stars Jeremy Sisto.)
So, let’s cut to the chase: how do you rate Sex & The City?
Homo: Well, I’ll tell you the truth. It wasn’t entirely my cup of tea, and I thought the plot had holes big enough to hold Sarah Jessica Parker’s wardrobe, but I have to admit it was fun seeing the four girls together again. They’re like comic book heroes when they walk together. So, I’ll give it a very mild One Vein Up But Only For People Who Like This Kind Of Movie.
Hemo: I’m with you- the characters are interesting enough, though someone with clotting deficiencies would have added a nice dynamic. Still, I give the movie One-and-a-Half Veins Up.
Homo: I do: I also give one Special Vein Up for the guy next door.
Hemo: Gee, let me guess where that vein is located.
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
The Top 5 Balls-Hot Video Countdown
June 10, 2008
For fellow East Coasters, I’ve painstakingly compiled a countdown list of the Top 5 Balls-Hot Music Videos of All-Time. Crank it up!
Number 5
“Some Like It Hot” Power Station
Number 4
“The Heat is On” Glenn Fry
Number 3
“Hot in the City” Billy Idol
Number 2
“Hot, Hot, Hot” Buster Poindexter
Number 1
“Hot Hot Hot” The Cure
And there you have it! Stay cool. Drink lots of fluids and avoid sex. For once I’m with the abstinence folks, but only because it’s just too damn hot outside.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
Hemo2Homo Connection: The Indiana Jones review
June 9, 2008
The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review
(Two guys with AIDS reviewing movies. ‘Nuff said.)
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Homo:
This lame-ass movie was best summed up by my partner, Jim Brochu, who called it “Mr. Chips & The Temple of Doom.”
Hemo: Spielberg scored Erik Estrada? I think I missed that scene.
Homo: If you’re gonna be a movie reviewer, you should pay more attention to the film, and really should try to see a movie made before you were born.
One with, like, dialogue and stuff.
Hemo: After seeing this clunker, I may take your advice. And I’m still trying to figure out why Harrison Ford looked older to me ten years ago… does that mean I’m, getting old?
Homo: Yes, you’re getting old and he looked 20 years older. Uh oh. It sounds like we have a sad meeting of the minds. I wasn’t surprised by anything is in this movie.
Hemo: Really? You are so jaded that you weren’t shocked by the re-emergence of Marc Almond of Soft Cell, riding in as Indiana Jones’s son?
Homo: That wasn’t Marc Almond of Soft Cell, thinblood.
Hemo: Oh. No Erik Estrada, no Marc Almond. Well, at least I can hang my Indy hat on Helen Marnie of Ladytron’s star turn as the Commie S&M chick.
Homo: Helen who of what? And no, that wasn’t her, either. That was the Academy Award-winning actress, Cate Blanchett! And they are called credits, kookaid-blood.
Those letters that scroll upward at the end of the movie.
Hemo: Those credit things are always my cue to start gathering up leftover candy in the aisles. I like action, but the lame-ass sword duel atop two jeeps riding through a jungle seem improbable at best.
Homo: Just one of many pointless action sequences. And CGI ants aren’t scary anymore. Waiting for your viral load test results. Now that’s scary!
Hemo: I hate CGI- it ruined I Am Legend. They should never do CGI monsters so long as Gary Busey is still breathing.
Homo: Agreed. In previous Indy movies, Spielberg would do something in the foreground to keep us from falling asleep during this crap, like the sequence around the dining table where they’re eating giant bugs.
Hemo: Oh, yeah. That was such a cool scene. In this one, the bugs ate the people.
Homo: Actually, I think the script ate the people. And what was up with Blanchett’s random Russian accent, which veered wildly across the continents and back again? And she wants a skull that will give her the ultimate powers of the universe?
Hemo: Remember, it’s a skull made of crystals. And crystals are a girl’s best friend.
Homo: Those are diamonds, numbnuts. As for the whole premise of Indiana Jones, I think they could have saved a lot of money and just shot the whole thing in one place: a Pier 1 Imports store. That would have explained all of the old married couple banter between Indy and his once-girlfriend.
Hemo: Maybe Spielberg has long-since shot his money wads? Maybe he needs, for lack of a better metaphor, a Hollywood-esque sperm-washing procedure?
Homo: It’s not a bad idea. Hemo, in all seriousness, answer me this: Was there ever a moment in that theatre when you didn’t know what was going to happen next?
Hemo: Well, I arrived 10 minutes late. That’s why I missed Erik Estrada’s scene.
Homo: I give up.
Hemo:…And at the Carmike there are two pathways, and one was so dark I couldn’t even see what was blocking the path. I could hear the movie, but trying to figure out how to get the seats was pretty intriguing.
Homo: No! I meant a moment in the movie! But your story sounds more intriguing than the film itself… so, did you go to the other walkway? Or forge ahead into the darkness, where one wrong bump could send you to your untimely, bleeding doom?
Hemo: I went to the other one. Only to bump into a guy in a wheelchair who was blocking that path.
Homo: Ew, ew! Please tell me you tipped him! This is the best confrontation since Indy shot that dude with the sword in Raiders, or the Cripple Fight episode on South Park.
Hemo: No, I just apologized and stepped around him. Then took my seat. There was no one with a flashlight to help a thinblood out.
Homo: Your story had a lame ending, but was still better than the movie you so bravely pressed onward to see. Did you see National Treasure? Because there’s a moment in Indy that I now call the “National Treasure Idiot Moment.”
Our heroes go down into the treasure room. The girl sees a wooden rack filled with scrolls. She leans down and, without blinking, she announces, “Look! The lost scrolls from the Library of Alexandra!”
Hemo:That sounds awful.
Homo: “Crystal Skull” had one of those moments. I f you’re going to steal from the movie that stole from you, at least steal the good parts.
Hemo: Yeah. It would be like two guys with AIDS stealing our movie-review bit, but only using your parts.
Homo: Hey, , watch it: I’m the smart one here, Mr. Quips. And don’t forget who has the clotting factor, kid.
Hemo: You’re starting to sound like Indiana Jones.
Homo: I’m not that old. I was really afraid you’d buy into the hype on this one. There may be hope for you yet, thinblood.
Hemo: Hey, thanks! So what’s your final grade on Professor Jones?
Homo: I give Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull two bloodless veins down. You?
Hemo: Not enough “snapper” in Indiana’s “whipper” this go around. I give it a Highly Detectable Viral Load of Crap rating.
Homo: Oh boy. See? This is why I can never die. You’d kill this review faster than this script killed off Indiana Jones.
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Weekend Movies
June 6, 2008
OK, so I’ve been to a few movies recently. Gwenn and I saw Sex & The City, and overall we were happy. Gotta warn ya, halfway through, this thing is pretty depressing. I didn’t really fully recover, and knew that something was amiss when I found myself in the theatre again.
I’d gone to see The Strangers to cheer myself up. The Strangers is a thinly veiled commentary on the current mortgage crisis facing our nation. I heard that Ed McMahon is being foreclosed on…. Ed friggin’ McMahon!
Alright, that’s all for now. This blog is really just a teaser for Monday, when….
TWO GUYS WITH AIDS REVIEW A MOVIE.
The Hemo2Homo Connection reviews Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull… will our heroes survive? Or will they perish down not one, not two, but three waterfalls? Log on Monday to find out!
Obama Needs Some Ink
June 5, 2008
No word yet from Dunkin’ Donuts about being their spokesperson. God knows I’ve eaten enough donuts to earn the gig.
I can’t say that my intent to be their spokesperson is solely to show that people with HIV love to eat donuts. The truth is, I really need it to increase my public profile- taking nothing away from Synthetic Division and My Pet Virus, respectively. It’s just that I need more if I want to gain access to the new Democratic nominee, Barack Obama.
Come to think of it, maybe the silence from Dunkin’ Donuts is a blessing. Obama’s people would probably keep him away from a Jihad-scarf wearer, even if it meant gaining access to the coveted Donut-eater demographic. What would give them pause is that many people, including some Hillary democrats, think that Barack is Muslim.
Not that there’s anything wrong with being Muslim. It’s just that many of those frightened folks think being Muslim means you are a terrorist. And if he’s going to win in November, it’s going to take more than an American flag lapel pin to prove he’s not packing bombs under that suit.
Which is why I think he needs to be packing something else under the suit: a tattoo.
Here are my top contenders: 
1. Eagle with Flag: This shoulder tat really shows pride, and a knack for kicking ass.
2. Cross With Flag: This one should go on his hand. Every time he gestures, people would be able to rest assured that Barack drinks the Jesus Juice.
3. Made in U.S.A.: Barack comes from a bi-racial family with a weird name. This is very unsettling to some Americans. This chest tattoo would comfort those people, and could be the last image that runs through their minds in the voting booth.
Now I’m hungry for a donut.
Positively Yours,
Shawn
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