Hemo2Homo Connection: 21 Review
April 5, 2008
The Hemo2Homo Connection Movie Review
Homo: I know we decided to see this movie because it’s the 21st anniversary of your pet virus, but I didn’t spend my hours counting cards. I spent them counting the minutes I would never get back. I’m beginning to think that anything these days with Kevin Spacey is sure to suck.
Hemo: Damn, I haven’t bought my ticket yet- I’m thinking about folding this hand. The prequel craze is on tilt, anyway, and I for one do not need to know what happened before Jim Carrey’s 23, thank you very much.
Homo: No, bleeder. This one is based on a true story — a book I read and enjoyed. But Hollywood took out all the reality.
Hemo: Isn’t that what Hollywood’s there for?
Homo: 21 is about a numbers genius from MIT who gets co-opted into becoming a member of a gang of card counters, one of which is the sexiest girl in school…
Hemo: I bet the Crips were shaking in their boots.
Homo: This gang flies over Compton on their way to Vegas, where they enjoy weekends of winning lots of money for Kevin Spacey. You can always count on Hollywood to make something better than reality.
Hemo: So why on Earth would a gang of pale-faces make money for Kevin Spacey?
Homo: Because he needs the dead Benjamins for Harvard and, apparently, the poor genius doesn’t know how to fill out a form for a student loan.
Hemo: Well, he was probably too old to get a basketball scholarship.
Homo: What? No, nimrod: Kevin Spacey is the professor leading the gang, not a student member of the gang. It’s the boy who becomes seduced by Vegas.
Hemo: What about the sexy girl?
Homo: They have a G-Rated love scene.
Hemo: Let me guess… it happens in a hot tub at the Palms? I already saw that on the Real (Lame) World. So life is good for the pretty boy gang member, and…
Homo: Until he finally- shocker!- has a real bad night at the tables…
Hemo: …and gets obsessed with the number 21, right? He puts all of Kevin Spacey’s winnings — plus everything he owns and cares about — on the number 21 on the Roulette wheel… it spins, the ball pops around… and then… BAM! The number 23 comes up. Jim Carrey is the pit boss, you have to see the movie twenty-one times to notice him in the background, hence the name of the film.
Homo: Then Laurence Fishburn ties him to a chair and beats him up.
Hemo: The Crips to the rescue! I’m about to move All-In on this one and buy that ticket. It’s the only way I’ll understand 22 when it comes out.
Homo: No! Cash out now! Although 21 really makes me wonder what they’d do with our inspiring, real-life story of two guys with AIDS reviewing movies. And how we’d have to promote it: Did you see that Jim Carrey had to dress in an elephant outfit at American Idol to promote Horton Hears a Who?
Hemo: I missed that major step down from talking out of one’s bunghole. I bet Hollywood would call our story Homo Hears a Hemo. It would be about a world of gay men who ignore the plight of the platelet-challenged…
Homo: … until the pink homo with big ears- me!- stands by his side. Craddling the fragile hemo close to his chest.
Hemo: Yes! Brother to brother, they stand back to back, fending off the haters and counting out their life-saving HIV pills instead of cards.
Homo: And Hollywood film producers would count their cash and continue the fine tradition of turning a great book into a crappy film.
Hemo: Speaking of great books, our review of The Hours really made My Pet Virus. Now available at your local bookstore!
Homo: Sales a bit slow?
Hemo: You nailed it. So, what’s your final say on the movie 21? Do you think people without AIDS will respond the same way you did?
Homo: Yes. And I’d rather play Russian Roulette in a giant pink elephant costume then have to see this one again.
The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.
Bean Me Up, Hottie
April 3, 2008
On April Fools’ Day, the only joke that came through was from Steve of the Hemo2Homo Connection. If you missed his Comment, check this out:
“Shawn, I’m your psychiatrist and I have to inform you that you’re not actually a heterosexual.
Please come to the office so we can take care of this immediately. There’s no time to waste.”
The problem with Steve’s joke is that he’s so old, that he forget that he’d used the same joke twelve years ago when we met online. I won’t go into details about how that played out, all I will say is that this time I was ready. It probably helped that I had diabolical April Fools’ Day plans of my own.
My friend, Irvin, runs a coffee shop downtown called Java Java. His lovely baristas, Lisa and Jenny, helped me pull this gag off by letting me know where Irvin was. Gwenn (who knows the deal, since she worked as Pluto at Disney one summer during college) got all the materials, and we hired a friend to put it together when we hit our first roadblock online, discovering that these costumes sell for $900! As I stood in front of the shop, holding my sign, I felt an inner peace that I’ve never known before… have I wasted my first thirty-two years of life? A Barbara Walters Special discussed the scientific prospects of living to the age of 150. In modern times, Ric Flair just wrestled until the age of 59…
So I could spend over a century as “Bean Bean”, making children smile and forcing adults to awkwardly say hello as they make eye contact with big, white painted-on eyes. I’m taken, of course, but I get a lot of questions from positoids about dating woes. Now I can provide a simple answer: Bean Costume. (Men and women alike seem way into it.)
Positively Yours,
Shawn
A Positoid’s Guide to April Fool’s Day
April 1, 2008
Today is April Fools’ Day. A day in which the inner-prankster in all of us is awakened and universally accepted. But, if you have a friend with HIV, you really have to be careful with just how far you go.
Don’t get me wrong- positoids like to enjoy a good, hearty laugh just as much as the next Joe. But when pranking a pal with HIV today, there is one joke you should try to avoid.
“The False Positive”
Pretending to be a doctor and leaving a voicemail telling your HIV positive friend that records show that there has been a big mistake and, in fact, they were a “false positive” (meaning they tested positive for HIV, but subsequent tests reveal that they are HIV negative) is a big no-no.
If you are a positoid, watch out for this one today.
Happy pranking!
Positively Yours,
Shawn
LIFE IN PHOTOS
Face Time fun with my Goddaughter. She was digging our phone chat- even though we were about three feet away from one another.
Making the enemy quit out with @squirrel_munky and @vaineos :)
Closing out the Joe with @gwennbarringer this afternoon.
Caught in full Mocha Mode...
Speaking About Sexual Health
Since 2000, Shawn and Gwenn have been speaking about sexual health together, sharing their personal story and empowering others to be safe. If you are interested in having them speak at your event, fill out the Contact Us form.
Check out Shawn's music and buy his book, My Pet Virus, which is now available on Kindle!
It will be the funniest book you've ever read about someone having AIDS... guaranteed!