National HIV Testing Day…
June 26, 2006
It’s important for everyone to know their status and get tested: I get it. But every damn year I get all excited about National HIV Testing Day, and every damn year the test always comes back the same…
Positive.
So, on the eve of yet another National HIV Testing Day, I demand a substitute for people who are already positive. Maybe a pony ride or half off at the Golden Corral lunch buffet. Instead of testing myself for HIV, I can test the limits of my belly.
Shawn
Happy Father’s Day. Worried Mother.
June 19, 2006
I love my Dad. He is the best dad I’ve ever had. (Oh, I’ve had one if you’re keeping score at home.)
Really, the man taught me how to curse, bowl, shoot pool and, most importantly, the art laughing at yourself. And today, on Father’s Day no less, I rewarded his generous donation of time, as well as the sperm that started the mess that is now typing this blog, by taking him and my mom to go see Nacho Libre.
Before going to see Jack Black rockin’ the unitard, my wife partner, Gwenn, and I took the parents out for some ice cream. As my Dad enjoyed his chocolate ice cream cone while my mother waited for her cup of coffee to cool, I cooled the mood by saying, “So Mom, I’m going to go back onto the week on, week off meds thing.”
Stare.
I just wanted to keep her in the loop. If I’m blogging about something, I’d like to think I can share the info with her, since she was responsible for my health issues– no small feat with me– for the first twenty years of my existence. Still, I was taken aback by the stare, as it’s hard to make Mom speechless, or stop her dead in her tracks. Though it was only about four seconds, in real time that’s an eternity, and I knew what was going through her head as her mouth just sat ever-so-slightly agape.
“Are you worried?” I asked.
“Well, have you thought about this?” Then she said something about me being crazy.
Mom was thinking of my hospital stay and ITP scare after my two month drug holiday last year. I explained, “No, the week on week off worked really well. That was different.” Warming to the idea, Mom shifted gears and said, “Yeah, the doctors are trying to jack your dad and I up on every new medicine that hits the market!”
Gwenn supports the decision to give it a try and keep tabs, but is she also scared more than she’s letting on? The whole episode last year took us all by surprise, and I remember thinking as we were in the hospital. “I really fucked up this time.”
I’ve conceded that, due to the side effects of the drugs, I’ll never fully have my cognitive mind. And I do accept that trade-off for the longevity I’ve been blessed with due to the effectiveness of these drugs. But I also believe there is a middle ground, because I walked on it for over two years with no problems.
Still, no one remembers your ice skating greatness if the last memory is of you falling through the ice on a lake, do they?
Shawn
Cousin Shawn
June 9, 2006
So debuting my AIDSmeds.com blog on 6-6-06 wasn’t such a, er, hot idea, as I’ve been searching my scalp for the marking of the Beast since last Tuesday. And, though it seems like it was yesterday, three days ago that I naviely wrote this entry: “I’m looking forward to contributing to this nice little family of bloggers.”
Here are portions of some of the responses in regards to my presence here:
“… I feel this community has been violated,” “… quite unnerving…,” “I am really confused,” and my personal favorite, “who the fuck is Shawn?”
It seems that this “nice little family of bloggers” is indeed a family of sorts, and I kind of feel like a distant third cousin, reaking of alcohol, who has just stumbled upon the family reunion in the park, unexpected and unannounced. Fortunately, the negative comments weren’t so much directed at me; people were just confused as to what I’d done to earn an AIDSmeds.com Blog. Moreoever, I don’t think it helped my status that I also debuted as a “top”, with my blog being at the top of the page, one of the first ones you see when you clickity click on BLOGS.
I learned of the rucus that I’d unwittingly created on the “Comment on the HIV Blogs” section, where I explained why I was a stranger to the Forum community that comprises this Blogging Family: “…my history is with POZ, of course, not with AIDSmeds. The blog is just a continuation of that history with the magazine, as well as a chance to share one more viewpoint on living with HIV with visitors to the site.”
I have been invited to join the Forum discussions by community members and, yes, there were smooches and well-wishes in addition to the above quotage, which I appreciate. But the offer to make new friends and, in a sense, retroactively earn my place here among the regulars is somewhat daunting, I must admit.
So, for now, don’t mind ol’ Cousin Shawn. He’ll just sitting under this tree, sipping from a brown paper bag while the rest of ya’ll’s play some softball and enjoy a picnic-style lunch.
Shawn
It’s A Hard Blog Life
June 6, 2006
Welcome to my blog, positoids and negatoids!
I’m Shawn Decker, and I was diagnosed with HIV in 1987. Back in the day I was given two years to live, but I’m still here. Still watching pro wrestling and being my snarky self. It wasn’t until 1999 that I got really sick, and I’ve been on meds, for better or worse, for the last seven years.
But I’ll write more about meds soon… right now, I’m feeling nostalgic… it’s been 25 years since AIDS was reported in the media, huh? Wow. I remember the first time I heard about the topic, it was all over the news and I must have been in the fourth grade (1984). A friend of mine busted out with an AIDS joke just before class started.
“What do you call Rock Hudson on a skateboard?” (Confused expressions abound.) “Roll-AIDS!”
I thought, “AIDS is medical condition,” and that I wouldn’t have to deal with it because I have hemophilia. It’s funny that, over twenty years later many people still consider themselves safe from HIV. That it’s some other person– or country’s– issue.
I really admire Regan, the new editor-in-chief of POZ, for coming out with her status, and I understand why people stay silent, because I’ve been there. So much of not disclosing has less to do with denial, and more of a grasp of reality, the innate knowledge that it’s the dealing with of other people’s issues that is the problem one tries to avoid by keeping a muzzle on their own pet viruses.
Ten years ago I put up my first blog after a decade of silence, and I haven’t stopped writing or speaking about HIV since. POZ Magazine has been such an important part of my “coming out with HIV” experience (see this old article for details), and I’m looking forward to contributing to their nice little family of bloggers.
I hope that, by putting up my first new entry on 6.06.06, I do not fall victim to a bad omen, and that you will enjoy reading my thoughts and experiences. Even if they get a little snarky.
Your Pet Blogger,
Shawn
NOTE: This blog entry first appeared on AIDSmeds.com, not on Shawnandgwenn.com, which will make sense in subsequent entries.
life in photos
I am frightened by ceilings. A terrible phobia to have.
Today's assortment of treats: tea for Gwenn, a mocha for me and a cookie to share.
My buddy Sharanya preparing my mocha with just an extra dash of love.
Hanging on wall in our guest bedroom. Couldn't agree more!
Speaking About Sexual Health
Since 2000, Shawn and Gwenn have been speaking about sexual health together, sharing their personal story and empowering others to be safe. If you are interested in having them speak at your event, fill out the Contact Us form.
Check out Shawn's music and buy his book, My Pet Virus, which is now available on Kindle!
It will be the funniest book you've ever read about someone having AIDS... guaranteed!